Have you ever said something and immediately regret it?
I’ve been having bouts of insomnia. A lack of sleep has lead to diarrhea of the mouth and constipation of the mind.
Mouse_Spouse was watching TV and saw a busty young woman on the screen. “Honey, would you ever get you’re breasts enlarged?”
“Only if they develop a way to suck the fat out of your gut and pump it into my chest,” I responded.
:smack: Oh boy. That took a while to patch up.
My mother has a boyfriend, Stan. They have been together for a couple of years. Actually, she’s been talking about him for a few years. No one in the family has ever met this guy, or even seen a picture of him. Mouse_bro and I sometimes joke that he may not exist at all.
Last night, I managed to go to bed early. Mother_Maven called me. “Stan and I had a huge fight!”
“Stan?” I yawned, “Imaginary Stan?”
If Stan is real, he owes me for taking the heat off of him!
Background: I’ve got a pet peeve about pregnancy being described as a baby “in the mommy’s tummy” as “tummy”, to me, is a diminutive of “stomach”, where the baby most assuredly isn’t.
Maggie and I are sitting around a campfire, rather late, when a little 3 year oldish girl we don’t know comes wandering by. She stares at Maggie’s 8 month pregnant bump. Looks at Maggie. Looks at me. I look around for parental units. Nothing. She stares at the pregnant bump again.
Finally Maggie offers, “There’s a baby in my tummy.”
Kid looks at me again.
“That’s because she ate it,” I said in my best Vincent Price horror show whisper.
Kid gets big round eyes, backs away and then RUNS back to her parents, wherever they were. Never saw her again.
I have no idea what possessed me. I have kids, I babysit kids, I GET kids. And yet…somehow the inside voice got out. :smack:
I occasionally do consulting for this company and the main guy we work with is a super-nice, super-fun African American dude. He stands out because he’s so much nicer and less run-down than all the other poor office drones that work there.
Anyway, one morning I come in and he’s telling me and my partner how his son is off to start school at Ohio State in a week. For me, being an Ohioan, the things I know most about OSU are football and band. Parents indeed get quite excited to be huge football or band supporters. I completely forgot that OSU is one of the top ACADEMIC schools in the state in many areas.
So, it being early and me being a dumbass, my reply to his son going to OSU was “oh! Will he be in football or band?” which, to me, sounded like “great! black kids can only get into OSU through football or band scholarships!” which is not what I meant at all but to me it sounded just nasty.
Turns out the kid was going on a scholarship - for opthalmology. I was able to quickly recover and congratulate him for that but I still feel horrible about it.
This is why I should probably start drinking coffee in the morning.
Years ago, I worked as an assistant to the associate general counsel in the employment law division of a Fortune 500 Company. I and some colleagues, who were kind of on my level hierarchy-wise, got into a conversation about the way young teenage males were wearing their pants hanging so far down on their waist.
One of the senior counsel on staff, a woman who was a few years older, known to be a bit prim and proper and definitely not at “our level” or a cohort, wandered in and stopped to observe us in conversation.
I knew she was there, but somehow couldn’t stop myself from saying, “I’ve heard they wear them like that for easy access.”
Oh boy, did I ever. A girlfriend of mine was training upcoming race. She said something about getting “consistency” in her workouts. This was at the same time that a TV commercial had the tagline “consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds”. Without a moment’s thought, I uttered said tagline. I resided in the doghouse for several weeks after that.
I work in retail. My co-workers told me a story about some cleaner that we had. They said the traveling all-purpose cleaner salesman came in and he was a midget. He told them to tell the manager to come and see what a great product he had. Had sprayed some on the counter and said they could tell people the counters were only cleaned so high because a midget had cleaned them. Well the manager enjoyed his act so she bought some. From that day forward we called the cleaner “Midget Cleaner”
Fast forward to a year later. I am now employed. In comes the same salesman. We don’t really need and more of the cleaner yet, but my manager asks me if I want to go in on a bottle with her.
Her: Hey, Shera, you want to go in on a bottle with me?
Me:Oh, on Midget Cleaner? :smack:
Salesman: Why you gotta be like that?
That was two years ago and my co-workers still make fun of me for it. The salesman hasn’t come back either.
As it turns out I did something similar twice today. Whilst driving the truck (a large part of my job) with a coworker acting as a navigator in the passengers seat (I say acting as a navigator because this particular man couldn’t navigate his way out of a paper bag) I just started talking. To myself. It actually took me a sentence or two to realize it, as what I was saying is the sort of thing that ordinarily goes through my mind and just never makes it to my lips. Apparently, my (supposed) navigator didn’t notice. Or maybe he just didn’t care to comment on it.
The kicker: I did this twice. Mayhap it’s just stress caused by getting my hours cut. But, maybe I’m finally going insane… eh, whatever. Somebody pass me the scotch.
My brother-in-law gave a national video chain a risque name, and he always referred to them by it. I didn’t even know I had picked it up until I was on a first date with a guy.
Him: Hey, next time we should get a video and I’ll make dinner.
Me: Cocksucker Video!
Him: Um, I was thinking more toward a comedy…
Yeah one incident I really regretted I was on the phone and a female friend of mine asked me a question and I don’t know why but it bothered me so much because I was on the phone and I just exploded and said “Could you please shut the fuck up you stupid bitch” and everyone just sort of got a :eek: look on their faces. I called her later and said I was sorry and she accepted.
Also the woman on the phone thought I was talking to her so it was twice the embarassment.
When I was a Senior in college I had a boyfriend in another state. During Spring break I went to visit him, staying at his house where he lived with 5 or 6 other students. I didn’t know most of the housemates very well.
So, one afternoon I’m sitting down at the kitchen table, waiting for BF to find his wallet or whatever and come downstairs. A female Housemate that I didn’t know very well, let’s call her Sue, sits down at the table to eat some lunch.
“Hi, Sue,” I say, “what’s up?” and begin a round of smalltalk.
At some point there is a lull in the conversation (BF was really taking longer than I thought he would), and I can’t stand lulls, so I fall back on the ol’ college standby, “What’s your major.”
“General studies,” replies Sue.
“General studies?” I inquire, “What’s that?” (I went to a small lib arts school, BF to a Big 10).
“Oh,” says Sue, waving her arms about “a ittle of this, a little of that, you know… General Studies.”
There is a pause while I let this sink in. But not enough of a pause, apparently, because then I say the most outrageously rude thing I have ever uttered:
(increcdulously) “Nothing!? You’re majoring in Nothing!? Hell I could graduate today if I was majoring in Nothing! bwahahahahaha.”
Sue looks at me in confusion (she wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed) and my BF appears as if by magic and whisks me away hissing “I can’t believe you said that!!!?” It took me a while to even realize the appalling rudeness of what I’d said; for a few hours I was just too caught up in the mystery of majoring in Nothing.
Wow - that’s not so much a little faux pas as it is grounds for never, ever talking to you again because you just don’t talk to friends like that. I guess her mileage is varying.
