I can will myself not to sneeze. I only recently developed this amazing skill. It doesn’t work for the big bastardy old honkers involving cat hair/dust balls/mucous torrents, but it works handily on those smaller, out-of-nowhere sneezes. I feel it coming, and say to myself, “I don’t want to sneeze.” I don’t try to suppress it at all–if it must come out then I let it–but just calmly tell myself I don’t want to sneeze. So the sneeze comes all the way up to just before the penultimate shudder–then I give off this little squeal and the urge to sneeze disappears. Awesomeness!
I can also tickle myself, and sometimes playing with my cats, I’ll jerk the toy suddenly in a direction to throw the cats off, and end up startling myself.
I suspect I’m starting to sound more pathetic than awesome now though. ahem.
So many I should form my own Justice League. Some examples I am allowed to reveal.
Sporadic invisibility: Sometimes clerks will be unable to see me and people will bump into me as if I wasn’t there. If only I could control the power.
De-cooling power: As a white male over 50 years of age I can suck the coolness out of any fashion or activity. Want to see me do the latest dance or use the newest slang? Sorry, I can’t use my power for evil.
My farts also smell like roses. What has surprised me about this power is how many people are put off by the scent of roses … not everybody but some of my family members are so bad I don’t even buy roses for my wife anymore.
My son can open doors with his mind. Not all doors but a lot of the major grocery stores, places like Walmart, some malls. He just has to approach the door and concentrate and they slide open. It’s creepy at first and people sometimes stare but I tell him it is important to practice.
I can completely cancel out my aura, in effect making myself invisible. I am constantly saying to the people who are constantly apologizing for constantly bumping into me “That’s okay. I know I’m fucking invisible.”
I can name that tune for almost any 80s-era pop or rock song, no matter how obscure. I can often name the band and the name of the album as well. This superpower extends to musical trivia knowledge of other eras, but I’m especially good at obscure 80s schlock.
I apparently have the ability to look like I know where I’m going, because I get asked for directions freaking constantly. Even in cities I’ve never been to before, no matter how I’m dressed or what I’m doing, people are always asking me how to get places. My husband and family think it’s hilarious.
The reason they think it’s hilarious is that I have absolutely no sense of direction whatsoever. I got lost literally (actually literally) three blocks from my house once, because I was unused to finding my way home by bike. It’s pathetic. If I actually ever knew where I was, I could be really helpful, too!
Elderly loonies are drawn to me like a magnet, and must tell me their life stories, or at least their current problems. Not young loonies, just ones 70/80ish. My daughter has inherited this amazing power.
My second power is actually useful. I have The Throat-Clear of Doom. I can be in a class of thirty kids, and when I clear my throat, I can immediately snap evil-doers and goofer-offers back into shape. It’s like verbally reaching across and thumping them in the back of the head.
Actually, I think I have the ability too look trustworthy, because people are constantly handing me their digital cameras and getting me to take their picture in front of tourist attractions. Seriously, in a crown of thousands, I *will *be the guy they ask.
Maybe I should cultivate super speed to go with it and start taking off with the cameras. But I guess that would make me a super villain. An extremely pathetic super villain.
I’m very good at pouring equal amounts of wine into wine glasses for SpouseO and me. I don’t even think about it very much, just bam! I am…The Drink Equalizer.
I have the ability to predict songs that are going to be played on the radio in the very near future. My GF really gets freaked out about this and on our road trips that she frequently insists on playing CDs most of the time.
I have the damnedest sense of direction. It’s rare that I get lost, or even don’t know which way the cardinal directions are. If I have a reasonably accurate map, I just about can’t get lost.
I also remember how to get places, years and years later. I haven’t been to Edinburgh in 12 years or so, but if you dropped me at the Castle, I could find every single place I went while there without a map, barring construction or demolition.
I have the ability to clear a room in under 7 seconds. It does not involve odors, or even speaking. I only need to enter the room and everyone immediately must leave!
I have rock-star parking mojo and my husband has the ability to beat a crowd by five minutes. We roll into restaurants, park out front, and get a table right as people start lining up out the door to wait. Together we shall rule the world.
I can always open jars. I’m kind of a small woman, so it’s always a surprise when nobody can get a jar open and I just sigh and say “pass it over…” I am THE JAR OPENER.
I also have an ability that frankly freaks me out. Now, lots of people have the ability to wake up at a certain time. What I do is a step further- I quite often wake up and think “Naw, I’ll just lay in bed for a bit.” I’ll sit around with my eyes closed just kind of lolling for a bit. Then, at some point, I’ll decide I’d had enough and go on with my day.
That time is always on the hour, to the minute. If I wake up at 6:48, I’ll lay around with my eyes closed until 7:00.
When I worked as a mechanic, I could play the Star Spangled Banner on my air powered impact wrench; no other mechanic I ever knew could duplicate that feat. I could also play several other musical compositions but our national anthem was the one I did best. It moved the other guys to tears; they would sometimes have to go out into the parking lot to conceal their emotions.
If any electronics stops working for another person, if I touch it with my magic finger, it starts working again.
I first learned I had this power when I started helping really stupid people with computers. Stupid people will always ask you “why” when a computer they thought was broken starts working again when you get them logged into the right account or return their screen from being accidentally set to being upside down. Of course, explaining it to them is useless, so I just gave up and replied, “magic finger.”
As time went on, my magic finger actually became magic. It seems to work the best on Xerox copiers. I don’t even have to touch any buttons. Just touching the surface with my magic finger will cause the copier to start working again. I have also fixed laptops, phones, etc. with my magic finger.