[tune: The Yellow Rose of Texas]
"Oh, we are the MidRealm Laurels, and there’s been a lot of fuss
Over how our rules define who is and isn’t one of us.
Our Charter says we honour just the brightest and the best,
But WE decide what THAT means, and – well – you can guess the rest.
"Gwynfreya of Caer Anterth has done artwork by the ton,
And we’ve given out two Laurels for the contests that she’s won.
What if neither of them went to her? No cause for you to cuss:
She’s creative but not cute – that’s why she ISN’T one of us!
"Now, Fey began a Pages’ School, a MidRealm-wide affair,
And wrote a Handbook for the School, to train kids everywhere.
But when it was reprinted, for S.C.A.-wide fame,
It did not say ‘By Lady Fey’ – it bore another’s name.
"A wench from far-off An Tir had submitted to the West,
Fey’s text and illustrations, retraced and readdressed.
We’ve given Laurels for such work – the wench sought the award;
It took a threat of suit to get Fey’s credit-line restored.
"The wench from far-off An Tir has left the S.C.A.;
She never got the Laurel – but nor did Lady Fey.
And if you ask our Order why we left her out, we’ll go:
‘Why, Fey is too inclined to sue – political, y’know!’ *
"You can take that basic plot, and multiply by all the years
The MidRealm has subsisted on the blood and sweat and tears
Of the artisans and craftsmen who believe in our mystique;
But the Order of the Laurel goes to members of our clique!
"It’s just the same old con game, dressed up in ermine pelts:
The work went to the suckers, the award to someone else;
It isn’t worth a penny, so the marks gave up and left,
But if credit were worth money, we would be in jail for theft!
"We make it hard to join us for those plain hard-working fools,
But it’s really very easy if you understand the rules:
Be the crony of a member, or the crony of a King,
You can join our noble Order if you’ve never done a thing!
“We have an honour system, just like the MidRealm Knights,
And that’s enough to tell you how we always win the fights:
Let one hand wash the other, we have no outside review;
Just ignore my breach of ethics, and I’ll do the same for you!”
(Now that’s the seamy story, let it put you on your guard:
You can search for golden glory in a play-pretend award;
But I lay it out before you, oh my Masters, Queens, and Kings –
Like a nettle crossed with kudzu, how the Laurel spreads and stings!)
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(With my thanks to all those Laurels who made writing this song so very easy.
Small though their proportion in the nationwide membership of Laurels, and few
though their numbers may be, they have made the MK’s Order what it is today.)
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- Alternate justification: that this did not qualify as an art or science.
Researching articles, writing poems or songs, and teaching a guild one art
have qualified. Researching and writing an entire handbook as part of a school
teaching all S.C.A. children how to fill useful roles in the Society – does not?