Do any of you enjoy talking to spammers and scammers on the telephone as much as I do? If so, have you created a telephone persona just for such purposes? If so, I would like to hear about yours.
This here’s C.J. [Mod note - removed to prevent scammers from searching]. How do you spell that, you ask ? It’s spelt just like it sounds. B-O-U- D-R-E- A-U-X. My first name? That would be Charles James, but please call me C.J. Only my momma ever called me Charles James. My address is 416 Old Cutthroat Road in San Pendejo, Colorado. But the postman don’t deliver mail here no more, not since the bridge washed out. The county won’t fix it. I have to get my mail at my Aunt Josephine’s post office box. The zip code? That’d be 81424. You know what’s funny? It says Nucla, Colorado on the post office building. But don’t nobody call it that. Everybody around here calls it San Pendejo, Colorado. Even those boys that work in the post office call it San Pendejo. Shoot, I can’t remember Aunt Josephine’s post office box number . I’ll ask her next time I see her. Her last name? It’s Tuputamadre. My bank is the Bank of the San Juans. It’s on Main Street over in Durango. I don’t know the account number. Aunt Josephine takes care of all that for me. She ain’t got no telephone. Yeah, I’m married. My wife’s name is Principe. We have one daughter, Victoria. Did you know little Victoria is mentally retarded? She sure is. Just like her momma. My social security number? Sure, I got it wrote down around here somewhere. Hold on a minute, those Mexican kids next door are throwing rocks at the dog again. YOU BOYS STOP THAT! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT! Sorry, I gotta go now. Can you call me back later?
Sorry, don’t have time for that. I always hang up as soon as possible. It’s a successful strategy, I don’t remember the last time I got a spam call. I think you land on a “don’t call that guy, it’s useless” list.
What I used to say is probably not legal, but since I shit-canned the landline, I just don’t answer my phone. Nobody calls me, so I know it’s bullshit.
When they ask for Mr or Mrs Surname I say there’s no Mr. Surname here, then hangup. When the caller with a pronounced Indian accent calls themself “Peter” I hang up. When the same sounding caller asks for me and mispronounces my extremely common sounding given name, I tell them that’s not how it’s said. Sometimes I ask what they are selling and when they say they aren’t selling anything I make a comment about it’s good to not deviate from their script, and hang up. I never cuss at them, but it is fun to try and make them stutter when they realize they aren’t getting anywhere.
A couple weeks ago I told one of the extended auto warranty people the truth, “My newer car is old enough to vote this year. What can you do for me?” The answer was a hang-up.
I don’t get enough calls to develop and practice a character. No matter what computer infection, legal mess or fraudulent activity is occurring, I’m calm, almost bored. The scammers are usually so focused on reading through their script that they don’t notice.
I do have a character on paper as far as address, phone #, credit cards, etc. is concerned.
I have found that the hotel/cruise and auto warranty scammers are the quickest to hang up at the slightest pushback or even legitimate questions.
I advise against that. If you answer, you become a more frequent target. They can also record your voice and manipulate the recording so that “you” say things that the real you never said at all.
I hate spam calls and don’t enjoy talking to them, so I try to be as verbally abusive as possible to them. I don’t actually threaten them but I do call them every four letter word I can think of.
It seems to work. I get a lot fewer spam calls than any of my friends.
I use a vague mumbly voice that sort of sounds like Pete The Puma. Generally, I act confused and keep making them repeat stuff until they give up and hang up.
When asked for Mr or Mrs Surname. BiL would respond in his most somber voice, “Oh haven’t you heard, Mr. Surname is no longer with us” before hanging up on the premise it would end calls for (the now-deceased) Mr. Surname.
For some reason, Thomas and Laura are two common asks. “May I speak to Thomas?”
I usually answer, “There is no such thing as Thomas, it is a figment of your imagination.”
For other calls, I refuse to speak English, mixing a number of phrases from other languages that I picked up here and there. “Arigato fröhliche weihnachten.” is one of my favorite go tos.
ETA: That’s Japanese for “Thank you” and German for “Happy Christmas”
