Solving murders is a popular hobby for American senior citizens who would in less enlightened cultures be considered much too old and untrained to deal with violent criminals.
It is a common rite of passage for white suburban teenage ladies to participate in potentially dangerous activities like drug abuse, touring with a rock band, or joining a roller derby team. The young woman will emerge from the experience no worse for wear, but wiser for the experience, and will digest the events by gazing off into the distance in a secluded location such as the roof of a shop or a strangely deserted public park.
It is an equally common rite of passage for pre-pubescent Americans to join a rag-tag multicultural sports team, suffer a string of humiliating losses, but ultimately win against all odds in a dramatic confrontation with a team of evil children. You can tell they are evil because they don’t suck and appear to have practised and have natural talent. Blow-dried hair and other signs of attention to personal grooming is another give away.
Everybody is quick witted and able to come up with great zingers. However, nobody laughs at these lines.
Nobody but nobody has two friends with the same first name.
It’s no problem getting the same table in a New York restaurant every night, and the same for that comfy sofa in the middle of a coffee shop.
Every person in a high school is secretly in their twenties.
High school gymnasiums will never have more than four rows of bleachers.
Nobody pours booze out of a bottle, it’s always poured from glass decanters with glass stoppers. Ditto for milk in plastic jugs, it’s always poured from a pitcher.
Nobody places their couch against a wall.
American teens never get acne.
Americans always fly on planes with about six feet of headroom and aisles five feet across.
Americans all know how to fly helicopters and how to hotwire cars.
If a child runs away, causes some vandalism, or steals from a store the nice police officer(s) will give them a stern talking-to and take them home where the parents will give them a “what have you learned” talk (also known as a “youseetimmy”) before hugging them. If there is a punishment it will be in the realm of extra chores.
All American teenagers lack parental supervision
They all try drugs, alcohol, and sex
All American teenagers place great importance on prom and football. Life as they know it would end if they do not make it to prom. And apparently prom dresses have all shrunk by a foot or more, and you will no longer find a full length ball gown in any formal store or boutique so everyone wears mini cocktail dresses to school dances.
All American couples own our unique L-shaped sheets, and they always use them to cover the male to his waist and the woman to just over her boobs. Even when nobody else is in the bedroom.
Similarly the very first thing people do when they get out of the shower is wrap themselves very securely with a towel. Also people rarely go nude in their own homes, and when they do there are items set up to perfectly cover all the naughty bits from nearly every angle.
Actually, this one is truer than you’d think. Pretty much all teenage and pre-teen girl clothes in stores these days are super-short and super-tight. It’s infuriating if you don’t want your daughter to look like a whore and she doesn’t want to wear anything her friends aren’t wearing.