What I've never dared to say in an Eve thread:

Well howdy Mizz Drysdale! Why don’t y’all come on over to the ceement pond fer a swim! Granny’s gone russle us up a mess of grits 'n gravy and mebbe sum possum with sweet ‘taters! We’s gone do it up raht in the fancy eatin’ room. We gone use the pot passers and everthang! Ellie May wants ta show yew her new pet. He’s an Orangatang named Ewlesseys. Yer shore to take a lakin to him!

Things I would never say in an Eve thread. “Sure the Alqonquin is a nice hotel but the Best Western down the street serves a hot breakfast free.”

Ooh! I got one!

“Kenneth Anger and Irv Shulman are the greatest biographers ever.”

I’m curious, did you set out with the intention of being the Official SDMB Poop and Terlet Guy, or did it just sort of happen? This is just another exaple of how you guys are clever and I’m just an idiot. I never would have made the beans -> can -> toilet connection.

I don’t understand half of these jokes either.

Got milk?

Yeah…lorgnettes and pearls…kind of like the Swiss Army Knife of fashion.

I wouldn’t have made the connection a year or so ago…but now the whole Terlet thing as sort of seeped into my very being. It’s kind of a drag, but at least I get stuff on the SDMB.

Kalhoun? Seems your voice suddenly got a lot deeper.

Shit happens.

I have no idea how that happened. For some reason poop behaves very strangely around me and I, for better or worse, chose to document it. I think lots of people read the stories and think “Yeah, my butt did that once too.”

Things not to say in an Eve thread: Those headstones would be much prettier if they were made of plastic.

Ah, a fortunate coincidence then.

Of course I would never say “General Slocum? Who the heck was he?” in an Eve thread.

Silly! Lorgnettes are the cheerleaders for the Lakside Lorgs. (where Eve went to High School)
I would never say I enjoy eating lima beans in an Eve thread.

Not because she loves lima beans but because I hate them.

You know what would make those old silent movies better? Get rid of that boring old piano music and replace it with some serious heavy metal!! While you’re at it, get rid of all those boooooring placards and just dub everyone’s voice. And colorize the damn things already!

I like extra peas in my fried rice. The more the better.

That’s low, man. Really low.

Evidently, I have to expand my horizons. Now I can’t post in threads about Eve threads for fear of coming off like an idiot.

I also just realized that my question for lieu could be taken as an insult, and I’m damned glad he read it in the spirit in which it was intended.

Maybe I should just go lurk in GQ.

That’s what I love about this jernt–half the people quaking in fear of my Social Disapproval, and the other half racking their brains for things to say to piss me off.

What could be better?

Jeeze, I dunno Eve.

Would all the people here racking their brains to think of ways to make you happy be a little better?

I recently dreamt I was teaching English at the General Slocum Middle School. All through the dream, I was mildly worried, because I knew the name meant something. I just couldn’t remember what.

Ben & Jerry’s is overrated. The store brand imitation ice cream is just as good.

What I wouldn’t say in an Eve thread:

Katherine Hepburn

Betty Gable

Marilyn Manson, I mean Monroe

Brigitte Bardo

“Excuse me, but your lorgnette is in my eye.”

Thank god CGI is getting better. The sooner we can get “real people” out of the movies and have more stuff blowing up the better.