Reality shows? I doubt it.
I’d make a great psychiatrist. I can talk to someone for five minutes and know exactly what’s wrong with them and what they need to do to fix their miserable lives. And I wouldn’t be afraid to tell them.
But perhaps it’s for the best that I’m not. I could see my treatment methods quickly devolving.
A Hollywood script doctor.
I’m not about to write a whole script. Too much work, and I don’t think I have that many stories to tell.
But whenever I watch a movie or TV show, I can’t help myself. I’m constantly thinking things like, “That was an awkwardly worded line; he should have said it this way,” or “They missed a great joke opportunity there,” or “I thought they were going to call back that line from the first act.”
Yep, hire me and your movie or TV episode will be a solid 4.5% better, I guarantee it.
Supreme court justice. True I don’t know any law (that’s what clerks are for) but on the evidence, neither do they.
Male porn star. Sure I’m not in great shape but neither was Ron Jeremy. And I could practice, practice, practice . . .
The Godfather…
I feel the same way except about books. I also don’t have enough stories to tell to write enough words to make myself rich. But a lot of the time when I’m reading a book I’ll think to myself “that sentence sounded horrible! Just a little rewording will make it sound totally poetic!” I’m convinced I could make any novel 4.5% better-sounding.
Writer ( or Asst Writer ) at LSSC (Colbert on CBS).
Actually, I’m cheating a little bit because some of the comedy I wrote for his FB fan site has appeared in his monologues, just with no accreditation or acknowledgement ( or paycheck). It’s been pretty well documented on FB for the site with posts by me showing my joke time stamped posted on a Tuesday listed under a vid of that joke being used on a Wed/Thurs. Hey, I’d love the money, but that’s not the point. You can’t exactly staple screen-shots to a resume, can you? Yes, I’m funny. Yes I have the chops.
No, that door is not opening. ( My sister says, “why buy the cow when you’re getting the milk for free”? ) I’m guessing that they must be severely under-budgeted or something similar.
I think I would have actually done pretty well in the military. I’m good at accepting adverse environments and situations without complaining, accepting things how they are, rather than how I think they should be. I’m happy to follow orders, when I actually exercised on a regular basis I was pretty fit. I’m also really, really glad I didn’t have to follow this career path.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, I also think I could’ve been a google coder back in the day. I’m quite smart, am good at finding creative solutions to problems, and love coding. I’ve often wondered where I would have ended up if I pursued CS rather than statistics.
Oh, you’re funny? Let’s see it. Make us laugh. 3…2…1…Go…
Just a gigilo. Dime a dance, offering romance, that’s me. Buy me a steak and a bottle of good wine, I’m yours.
I was told I should be a voice actor or voiceover actor by a guy “in the know”. I have grave doubts.
I was asked to do a intro for a friend for his standup (Open mike nite). I got some laughs. So the MC asked me to intro the next guy, as he didnt bring a buddy to intro him. Got a few more laughs. Not bring down the house, but a solid warm up laugh.
After my buddy bombed disastrously, full on deer in headlights*, the MC asked me why I didnt try. I told him, that unlike others, I knew my limitations. Sure, for a few lines, 2 minutes, I could be funny. But not for a full routine.
- My buddy is a really funny guy, but stage fright is very real.
Kid, I made the Priest at my First Confession laugh before I was 10.
And no, I never touched my (or anyone elses pants).
Was the punchline, “I"m telling everybody!!”
Ok… I admit it. When I was 10, there was a truly Horrible family down the block. They did things like drop their dogs dropping on the public sidewalk so you couldn’t walk down the street. When I was eight, I wanted to get even. They were out of town, so I decided to light a pack of firecrackers and throw it through the old milk door in their kitchen, Fie in them, they could clean up firecracker paper when they got back!
Little did I know that they left their dog in the house alone for the whole long weekend. I had nothing against the dog really; everything on earth eats at one end and shits out the other. But… dogs? Firecrackers? Evidently… I scared the shit out of it. Literally.
Yes, I was told through sources later that it ran and shat in one long brown stream… from their kitchen… through the carpet of their dining room… in a loop around the Persian Rugs in their living-room, up the white carpeted steps to the second floor, around their bedroom carpet, and finally… under the bed. I was told that it was like a brown-and-yellow treasure map.
I always felt badly for that dog.
Saw Jerry Seinfeld live. He mentioned that the luge is the only sport where you could inadvertently win an Olympic medal. “Oops, sorry” [bump] “Ahhhhh…” “Wow, great luge! Especially the screaming.”
Me? Continuity guy on a movie: “No, in the last scene this guy had his hat cocked to the right.… and that coffee cup was made by a pottery place that didn’t exist in 1964…”
But I’d go beyond mere props: “Cut, cut! You’ve already established that she’s tough as nails. So don’t have her fall into the hero’s arms…”
Go and sin no more. 
Padre…? Sadly that is several… Several… decades too late.
Besides, some of those stories I’m actually saving for Stephen… ( Should he ever get up off of his ass and connect with me*.
*Bourbon consumed separately. )
Mundane Super Hero- have you read the OP? 
What job do you think you’d be great at despite no supporting evidence?