What makes a good mother to a 26 year old?

In My Humble Opinion
21

Your mother is not a good mother to you and will never be barring some sort of epiphany from a higher power.

Most parents don’t cut their kids off at 18 but slowly push them into more independence until at around 23-25 they offer mostly emotional and babysitting support and financial help in emergencies only. At 26 you should be able to get along without a lot of help from your parents. But your mom has never treated you as her child and you can’t expect her to now. I understand that a lot of this gets harder to take as you become an older adult as you see what type of parents other people have. I come from a family where there were two favorite children and two children who got very little to no emotional or other support. She actively and openly disliked two of us.

Drop your mom, you’ll feel better. Interact with her only in regards to your sister. Build a group of friends who will support you and whom you support. Make getting a group of friends a job until you settle into some relationships: write on your calender reminders to call people, schedule lunches and get togethers. Even if she was a great mom and you could count on her she could die and leave you with nobody. I have no family nearby and even with very few friends here when I first moved I reached out to neighbors for help. People love if you ask for help and they can feel like they can ask you for help in return. The best friends I have are from weekly or biweekly activities because you get closer to people you have to interact with.

Good luck. Don’t call your mom for anything.

22

Rogerbox, this made me cry. Both in how sweet and how sad it was.

You’re not wrong in your expectations of your mother, though I fear (from what you’ve written) that she will never meet them. I’m “spoiled”, myself, in that my parents have been better to me than I deserve since day zero to today (and I’m 30.)

Build a relationship with your sister. From what you’ve posted, I fear that a healthy relationship with your mother simply isn’t gonna happen (her fault, not yours.) The one thing I would add to give you a bit of encouragement is this: My mother had an absolutely miserable childhood with an abusive, alcoholic father. Her mother, my grandmother, was a good person but unable to protect her nor shield her from a truly toxic family. My mother got kicked out of the house at 18.

She never really bonded with her sisters until she was in her 30s. They outright hated each other for years. And now they are her closest relations (other than my dad, who is a saint, for reasons unrelated to this thread.) I guess I’m just trying to say, “family” has lots of different forms. You’re not wrong in wanting or needing support from family, but It sounds like your mother isn’t going to be there for you. Look to your sister.

23

Bless your heart. You’re fine. She’s not. So sorry that she’s the only elder you have to rely on.
Some people shouldn’t have children. They can’t relate. Their loss.
Of course the people in your origin of birth circle should be your soft place to fall. You’re not asking too much.
Tonight I called my (30 year old) younger son at his apartment and told him, “There’s a pork chop here with your name on it.” He lives close.
I didn’t get that from my mothering, tho. My mother didn’t have a maternal bone in her body. I developed that, over years, just from loving my kids.
My sons are grown men, and we help them financially and emotionally whenever needed. (Along with drawn-out harrangs on how they could be spending their money more wisely.) I’ll stop being a parent the day I die. And no matter how old they are, I’ll still be whispering Tips (you need to know this just in case of…) Do what I did. Learn to parent yourself. It actually works, feels good, and you can spread it around.

24

I get teary eyed when I think of it because it’s one of the sweetest things anyone has ever done for me…actually now that I think of it, she couldn’t have been even 2 years old, because she was still in diapers. I was astonished she was even able to do it, she had trouble with the stairs WITHOUT dragging a big blanket up. I heard her grunt, pause and rest, and grunt each step without realizing what it was until she was at my door with it.

I know she doesn’t remember anything from that time because she was too young, but I will tell her about it one day. (And I still owe her from when the TV fell on her when I was baby sitting :o )

25

Moved MPSIMS --> IMHO.

26

Actually, I don’t think that’s ironic, I think it is a big honkin’ clue as to why your mother has the relationship with you that she does.

If I am understanding correctly, it sounds like she herself feels a need for her mother that was never met as she was growing up. You also mentioned how her mother stopped your mother from breastfeeding you (and regarded it as low class). It sounds like there is/was a lot of dysfunction in that relationship.

If your grandmother was a bad mom to your mom, your mom never had a really good role model for what a mom is. It is really hard to be a good parent when you did not have one yourself. Not impossible, but hard.

That is not to excuse your mom, just to give you something to think about, if you feel it might be accurate in regards to your family.

Hopefully, if you ever have children, you will be able to break the cycle and learn from your mom’s mistakes, and be a much better and caring parent to your children than she was to you.

Alas, she doesn’t owe you anything. You are an adult and it is up to you to take responsibility for yourself and your future. In a better relationship, an adult child can ask for help or whatever from a parent and have a reasonable possibility of receiving some sort of assistance or comfort or what have you, if it is within the parent’s power to provide it. But that’s ultimately the parent’s choice, not an obligation. Some may feel it to be an obligation, but there is no social or legal framework that compels a parent to assist an adult child under normal circumstances.

From what you describe I would say you should not expect anything from her. It’s just not realistic.

Even though you are asking little from her, she is not willing or able to give you even that. You might as well ask for a billion dollars, the end result will be the same. Nothing.

It sucks, but everyone has crappy stuff in their upbringing or in their present circumstances that causes diffiulties, worries, unhappiness. I hope you find the strength to come to grips with this particular problem, and work past it.

You didn’t do anything wrong, you deserved to have a good mother just like every kid deserves one, but not everyone gets one. Don’t let her failings and the pain or emptiness you may feel frame your future.

27

You sound a little like me. I’m the same age. My mom and I never “bonded” and she’s 10x more “mom-like” to my brothers. <sigh>

I think that no matter where you are in life, you should be able to count on your mom. Moms never stop being a parent or stop looking out for you. Or rather, they shouldn’t. I’m 26 and I still need my mommy at times.

Being a parent shouldn’t have an expiration date.

edit: I also know how it feels to have a mom go off the radar for weeks. It sucks. Just…it’s not you. It’s her. I hope you find that mom-like figure to stand in at times. No one deserves what she does to you. :frowning:

28

Your mother has heavy duty issues and is not (per your description) anything approaching a normal nurturing parent. However, at the same time, you seem to have a somewhat skewed and (to be frank) childish view of what normal parents “owe” their 26 year old adult children.

Some families are closer than others, but for a 26 year old to have the notion that their parents have a constructive duty to owe them anything in the way of care taking is odd. Yes, it’s completely normal for families to care for each other and extend hands when necessary. I do it all the time (and how) for my adult kids via personal effort and financial assistance, but it’s my choice. Neither of my kids has the notion that I “owe” them anything.

You are a 26 year old adult whose not so great parent has effectively told you that they will not help you. Bellyaching about it is like yelling at the ocean. You need to make plans that do not involve her contribution to your welfare. She should not be your “go to” for emergencies. Expecting her to be there is an asinine expectation given the history you have outlined. She’s quite correct in telling you that you need to rely on AAA not her if emergencies arise. Take that as gospel.

You need to grow up and start acting like an adult who deals with the world the way it is, and not the way you would like it to be. My mother loved me dearly, but she was a chronic alcoholic. I battled with her for years. Epic yelling and screaming matches. Once, when I was 18 years old, my uncle, who was visiting witnessed one of these battles, drew me aside and gave me this counsel.

“Your mother is an alcoholic, just as I am an alcoholic (he was, but he acknowledged it unlike my mother). There is nothing you can do to change that. You have absolutely no power to change her. You can rail and fight but nothing will ever change. Your rage will consume and damage you, and still nothing will change in her behavior.”

I had an epiphany that day, and while I won’t say my relationship with my mother was healed. it gave me new (and adult) perspective on the limits of what I would expect in my interactions with her. My life was better after I accepted those limits.

You need to have that epiphany about the limits of what you can expect with you mother and act accordingly. Meowing about how she’s not a nice mom at 26 years old is not going to get you anywhere. You need to put on your big girl underwear WRT your lack of a nuturing relationship with your mother and get on with life.

29

I think it’s much simpler than most people make it. Yes, a LOVING mother does have an obligation to show that love, and yes, the ways you indicate are the most common ways this is done. It’s possible for her still to be a loving mother and do each of the individual things you mention, but the general attitude, combined with information before you left home, does indicate that she is a bad mother.

And my experience with human beings tell me that she isn’t going to get any better–at least, not until some major thing happens in her life and she reconsiders the bad choices she’s made.

BTW, I’m 26 myself. And while my own parents go above and beyond, I know several people whose parents are like your mom, and every single last one of them regards their parents as being poor parents. It’s hard, since they still love them, but they can’t keep lying to themselves.

And, yes, I know some older people who have reconnected with their parents. But it happened naturally, not because the kid kept on trying.

30

You’re not looking, really, for financial support, right? Just emotional support mostly?

You won’t get it from mom. She’s already demonstrated that she’s not that mom.

I’m 42 and my parents have never been the kind of parents you and I both wish we had. One small example: My 15-year-old dog died in April. She was my first dog and I was devastated. I told my dad via email. He never acknowledged my loss. Just this weekend, I sent him an email to tell him I got a new dog. He hasn’t acknowledged that one either. I have no idea if he read them or just doesn’t give a damn. I imagine it’s the latter. My mom was a tad more sympathetic about losing the old dog and was excited for me about the new one. Except she just called me a few minutes ago to ask if I wanted my old vinyl albums from the 80s because if not, she was selling them to some vinyl dealer. I told her they were scratched and warped, but if she could get anything for them to go for it. Then I reminded her that I’d gotten the dog. She wasn’t going to ask. She’s so selfishly wrapped up in her own shit that she doesn’t even notice anyone else’s. So I didn’t bother trying to tell her how the adoption went or any of the details. She was on about the old records. We hung up and both went about our lives.

Once, I tried an experiment. I stopped calling them and whenever they called me, I did not volunteer any information about myself or my life. I wanted to see how long it would take before they’d even inquire after my wellbeing. It took my mom three months – and I talk to her about once a week – to finally stop blathering on about her shit and ask about my life. That was about five years ago. I am still waiting for my dad (well, not anymore actually) to pull his own head out of his ass and ask “So. How are you?” Probably not gonna happen, so you might as well set about making your peace with it as I have.

Two books may be useful to you – they were very helpful to me when I was learning how to make my peace with them and decide – on my own terms – what kind of relationship we were going to have.

They are:
Drama of the Gifted Child and
Children of The Self-Absorbed

31

Thanks for advice all. I got an invitation to thanksgiving dinner which I declined. After two weeks of emotional misery I’m definitely ready to cut ties for good. I’ve done it so many times before for a few months at a time, but keep changing my mind and thinking this time, she will will start being someone she is not and cannot be. I feel like a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

32

I cut ties with my father long ago. He made me miserable for a good part of my life. I was amazed how much better I felt after I learned not to expect any kind of ‘nurturing’ behavior for him.

I am blessed that I have a best friend whose family has’invited’ me in. Her mother and father are loving, accepting people and treat me and my family as their own. I have spent most of my holidays with them and each time I am with them I feel so loved and grateful to have them in my life.

Choose others who make you feel loved and wanted. Toxic relationships offer you nothing. Genetic connection or familial titles are empty.

33

I am very sorry for your hurt. My son is a little younger than you and I get pissy when he doesn’t call or send a text at least every other day. I am his “ICE” for all things just as my parents are to me (at 46). It is easy to take for granted the dependence on family. Knowing with all certainty that a phone call will bring everyone running with a helping hand or their check books out. We’ll be happy to adopt you if you need a place to come for Thanksgiving. :slight_smile:

34

Is she your step-mother or did something else happen for the first six or seven years? If she kicked you out at 14, I think it’s a good indication that she didn’t bond with you. It’s tough, but I think it may be possible you are trying to create a relationship that may never have been there. I’m sorry.

I’d consider counseling again. Having to give up hope of things like this is not easy.

35

What he said.

rogerbox, it sounds like your mother was not a good parent to you growing up and that is not your fault. Sadly, she is unlikely to suddenly turn into a good parent now that you’re an adult. But as for the actual question of your OP, I don’t think you have a realistic idea of what the relationship between a parent and adult child should be like, and it sounds like your mother has (perhaps unwittingly) actually given you some fairly good advice.

You should have some sort of plan for managing your finances, dealing with illnesses and car accidents, etc., that does not involve your mother. You would need to do that even if she were a better mother, because you are an adult now. A good mother would be willing to listen to your problems and offer advice and sympathy, and I am very sorry that your mother isn’t that kind of person. But grown ups do not expect mommy to come running whenever they’re sick or to pay their bills for them. It sounds to me like you want your mother to do the things for you now that she should have done for you as a child, but while this is understandable on an emotional level it isn’t healthy or reasonable.