My boyfriend is going through a rough patch of depression. I’m doing pretty good with talking him through this, but I also want to send him things to make him laugh. So I turn to you to help me out. I want to hear your funniest jokes, see the funniest websites, pictures and cartoons, funniest songs…Anything that makes you laugh, I’d love to pass it on.
I think I’ve posted this before, but I’ll put it up again, as it’s one of my favorite jokes:
Little Johnny is in the 1st grade. He’s bored. Every day he tells the teacher he should be in the third grade. “My sister’s in the third grade and I’m smarter than she is!” he insists.
One day the teacher gets tired of this and takes him to the principal’s office. She explains the problem. The principal says, “Well, son, you want to be in the third grade Let’s do a few tests. What is 3 x 3?”
“Nine!” says little Johnny.
“And what is 6 x 6” asks the principal.
“Thirty six,” says Johnny.
“And what is 9 x 9?” asks the principal.
“Eighty one,” Johnny tells him.
“You’re a smart boy,” says the principal. “I think you can go to the third grade.”
“Just a minute,” interrupts the teacher, “I have a few questions to ask him. Hey kid, what does a cow have four of that I only have two of?”
The principal yells “You can’t ask a question like that!” but little Johnny just says “Legs.”
“And what do you have in your pants that I don’t have under my dress?” asks the teacher.
The principal turns red and yells “You can’t ask a kid a question like that,” but Johnny just says “Pockets.”
Then the teacher asks “What begins with an F and ends with a UCK and involves a whole lot of excitement?”
The principal is about ready to have a stroke. “You can’t ask a kid a question like that! I’ll make sure you lose your job!” he rails.
Johnny just says, “Fire truck.”
So the principal says “Kid, I’m sending you to the sixth grade. Even I didn’t know the answer to those last three questions.”
Here’s a Straight Dope thread about things that are always funny. The last thing that made me crack up was my little brother saying “I’ll be right back,” walking downstairs, and then a huge clang coming from the kitchen. That’s always funny- you might want want to try something like that.
I recommend SomethingAwful (not work-safe).
Very nihilistic, but funny as all hell, especially the movie, video game and “ROM pit” reviews.
Also, Seanbaby is one of the best comedic writers ever.
Stay with me on this…
In December, my mom died. She’d been living in a nursing home in Virginia for the better part of a year and was on “comfort-measures” during the last few weeks of her life. When I got the news that she’d passed-on, I packed up my family immediately and drove down.
Hugged and cried with friends and family. Funeral was a drag and the gravesite service was held in a cold rain. She was buried beside my dad (he died in 1978).
Two days after the funeral, we were getting ready to drive back home and decided to make a stop at the gravesite.
You all know the scene. Fresh earth in a heap, the sod that was cut away was laid back down on top of the site and the flowers lay in a pile on top of that.
I’m physially standing ON my father’s grave.
My wife to my left.
My five-yeard old son right in front of me.
It was still chilly. The ground still wet from the rains of the week.
and then…
my son started SCREAMING! “DADDY! HELP ME! AAAAUUGGHHHH!! HELLLL-LLLPP!”
Seems he stepped right at the edge of my dad’s grave into the soft earth covering my mom’s grave and sunk in up to his knees!
I grabbed him under the arms and pulled him up <SLUUU-UUUURP!> praying all the while that his shoes were still on his feet… 'cuz I sure WASN’T going after them!
Then I realized that, if it was ME, I’d have sunk in up to my hips and probably would have only stopped when my feet hit the top of the vault!
Oh man…
My wife and I laughed for the next hundred miles.
oh, the joy.
My video contribution: How to Kill a Mockingbird
(long, but worth it.)
Cracks me up every time.
Amature Christopher Walken impersonations.
mm
This one always cheers me up :