Little Johnny jokes

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

It seems we all know at least one little Johnny joke. It’s time to pool our knowledge.

I’ll start.

Little Johnny is in school and the teacher says, “Every Friday morning, I’ll give a pop quiz. If anyone can answer the question, you get to go home at noon and have a long weekend. If no one can answer, there will be extra homework over the weekend.”

Everyone thinks this is a good deal, but the teacher starts asking questions like “How deep is the Gulf of Mexico, in centimeters?” and “If someone drives from New York to Los Angeles and it takes him 96 hours, how fast was he going? Give the answer in furlongs per fortnight.”

Johnny gets pissed, so that Friday he puts some ball bearings in his pocket. Just as the teacher is getting ready to give the question of the day, he throws the bearings across the floor and they make a gawdawful racket. The teacher jumps and says, “All right - who’s the character with the steel balls?”

Johnny yells, “Superman, Teach - see ya Monday!!!” :D:D

What’s your favorite?

2

The teacher is teaching her class about the alphabet and asks the class “Who can tell us a word that begins with the letter ‘A’?” Little Johnny raises his hand first, but the teacher thinks “I can’t call on him, he’ll say 'ass,” so she calls on little Mary instead. Little Mary says “A stands for apple! A big bright red apple!” “Very good, little Mary,” says the teacher. "

“Now, who knows a word that begins with the letter ‘B’?” Little Johnny raises his hand first, but the teacher doesn’t call on him for fear that his word will be “Bitch.” Instead, she calls on little Joey. “Bike,” says Joey, “A bright blue bike!” “Very good, Joey,” says the teacher.

Thinking better before moving on to ‘C’ and ‘D’, the teacher instead asks, “What word begins with the letter ‘R’?” Little Johnny is fit to burst. He is waving his hand wildly, and the teacher thinks to herself “I can’t think of a single dirty word that begins with the letter ‘R’! Maybe it is safe to let him have this one!” So, the teacher says “OK, Little Johnny you can give us a word that begins with the letter ‘R’.” Little Johnny responds…

“R is for Rats! Big fuckin’ rats! With nuts THIS BIG!”

3

Little Johnny walks past his mother’s room on the way to his room. Her door is ajar, and he sees her in there lying on her bed, rubbing her chest, and saying “I need a man! I need a man!”

He doesn’t think about it too much.

The next day Little Johnny again walks past his mother’s room on the way to his room. Again, she is in there lying on her bed, rubbing her chest, and saying “I need a man! I need a man!”

“Whatever”, thinks Johnny.

The next day, we walks past her room and she’s in there with a man. Johnny walks into his own room, lays down on his bed, rubs his chest, and says “I need a bicycle! I need a bicycle!”

4

Not a Little Johnny joke, but one that fits the general concept, and hilarious enough I needed to share it:

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”

“No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the I.R.S.”

:smiley:

5

Little Johnny and his friend Bobby were running to school through a cornfield. Bobby fell and met with an unfortunate accident. Johnny ran up to the teacher shouting “Teacher! Teacher! Bobby fell and got a piece of corn up his ass!” The teacher replied primly “You mean rectum.”

“Rectum? Damn near killed him!”

6

Aw, I just realized my best one can’t be typed out - it’s got hand motions. So, second best:

Little Johnny’s grandad calls him over to the window after it rains. He points out to the worms that have come up to keep from being drowned and are wiggling on the sidewalk. “Do you see those worms out there,” he asks. Little Johnny says sure, he sees 'em. “I’ll give you a shiny quarter if you can find a way to get those worms back in their holes.” Little Johnny thinks on it a minute, then goes and gets the bottle of spray starch out of the laundry room. Goes outside, sprays a worm, pulls it straight, and ZIP, right back in the hole. Granpa is pleased as punch, takes the starch, and gives him the quarter.

An hour later, Granpa finds little Johnny and gives him a second quarter. “Hey,” says Little Johnny, “You already paid me!” Granpa says, “I know, but that one’s from Gramma.”

7

The family is just finishing dinner, and Mom asks little Joey, “What do you want for dessert tomorrow?”

Joey says, “I want some fuckin’ ice cream!”

Dad reaches across the tables and smacks Joey right out of his chair, and says, “How dare you?!”

The he turns to little Johnny and says, “What do you want for dessert tomorrow?”

Johnny says, “Well I sure don’t want any fuckin’ ice cream.”

8

The variation I heard was…

They made it to U following the same pattern. Teacher can’t think of any naughty words that start with U so finally calls on Johnny.

Johnny says “Urinate.”

Teacher thought to herself, “Well, that’s not so bad, being medical and all” She says, “Very good, Johnny. Can you use that word in a sentence?”

Johnny smiles, “Teacher, urinate - but you’d be a 10 if you had bigger tits.”

9

Little Johnny was in Sunday School. The Sunday School teacher had become concerned that her students weren’t clear on the concept of Jesus, so she asks the class: “Who here knows where Jesus lives?”
Little Mary raises her hand.
“Yes, Mary,” says the teacher. Mary replies “Jesus lives in Heaven with God”
“Very good, Mary” says the teacher, “Anyone else?”
Little Billy raises his hand.
“Yes, Billy”
“Jesus lives in my heart”
“Very good, Billy”
Little Johnny raises his hand. The teacher sighs, but finally says, “Yes, Johnny”
“Jesus lives in my bathroom”
“Johnny, I’m not quite sure I understand that answer; can you explain it?”
“Well,” says Johnny, "Every morning, my Dad gets out of bed, walks down the hall to the bathroom, knocks on the door and says ‘Jesus Christ! Are you still in there?!?’ "

10

(you stole mine)
Johnny, use the word “beautiful” twice in one sentence.
Johnny: Last week my sister told my dad she was pregnant and my dad said “Beautiful, just fucking beautiful”

11

Little Johnny’s teacher asks the students to come up to the board to draw a picture that represents the word “panic.”

First Susie comes up and draws a burning building and a person hanging out the window. “That’s panic”, Susie says with authority.

Then Mikey draws a picture of a guy going over the falls in a canoe. “Now THAT’S panic” says Mikey.

Finally Little Johnny goes up to the board and draws a single dot. He stands back with a self-assured smile on his face.

The teacher asks, “Johnny, I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to explain why that dot represents panic.”

Little Johnny says, “That’s a period. And when my sister doesn’t get hers, THAT’S panic.”

12

Little Johnny has a newspaper route. It’s collection time, so he’s going around getting the subscription money. He gets to one house, and there’s a middle aged woman wearing nothing but a bra and panties.

"Collection time, ma’am,’ Johnny says. “That’ll be $5.00.”

“I don’t have any money,” the lady purrs, “but I can give you sex instead if you like.”

Johnny likes this idea, so he walks inside and drops his pants. The lady stares in awe, as this kid is huge. Like a baby’s arm holding an apple.

Johnny reaches into his pocket and pulls out a handful of huge washers, and starts sliding them onto his penis.

“What are you doing?” she asks. “I can take it all.”

“Not for $5.00, you can’t.”

13

When I heard this in the sixties, Johnny (who we called Dirty Ernie) had painted a couple of golf balls black and rolled them to the front of the room. When the teacher shouts “Ok, who’s the comedian with the black balls?” Johnny yells out “Bill Cosby! See you Monday, Teach!”

Even Little Johnny jokes have gotten more PC. :smiley:

14

A priest is out for an afternoon stroll and turned the corner to find a Lil’ Johnny with a hammer, smashing the tar out of a bunch of ants. Johnny was saying to himself, “I hate these fucking ants… I hate these fucking ants.” The priest is taken back by the little boy’s language and told him basically that God doesn’t make junk. Tomorrow I will be coming by again and if you can tell me three things that God created that are worthless, than I will let you continue killing the ants.

The next afternoon the priest is out again for his walk and came upon Lil’ Johnny, smashing ants. The priest reminded him of the agreement that they made, that he agreed not to kill any more ants unless he could name three things that God created that are worthless. Lil’ Johnny looked up with a devilish smile and said, “I know three things: A priest’s prick, a nun’s tits and these fucking ants!”

15

A teacher was teaching her students aboutmorals, so she had each of them tell her a story and give her the lesson the story told.

Little Susie said “A girl was carrying eggs to the market thinking about what to get with the money. She tripped and broke them all. The moral is Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched.”

Little Billy said “This kid jumped into the river to cool off, but he hit the rocks on the bottom and cracked his head open. The moral is Always look before you leap.”

Little Johnny said “During the war, my grandfather was surrounded by five enemy soldiers. All he had with him was one grenade, a combat knife, a pistol with one bullet in it, and a bottle of whiskey. Grandpa downs the bottle of booze and tosses the grenade killing two soldiers. He pulls out his gun and shoots another one. Then he pulls his knife and stabs one in the throat. Then he strangled the last one with his bare hands.”

The teacher says “Well that’s an interesting story, but what’s the moral?”
“Never fuck with grandpa when he’s drunk,” Johnny replied.