Best Dirty Jokes/Rhymes/Songs from Childhood

In My Humble Opinion
1

You’ve all heard 'em, and maybe you even remember a few.

You know… they were the “dirty” jokes/tales/limericks/songs, etc., which introduced you to new vocabulary and aspects of human behavior with which you may have been previously unfamiliar.

I speak of Johnny Fuckerfaster (“I’m going as fast as I can, Ma!”), Purple Toiletbowl (sung to the tune of Yellow Submarine), among so many others. And why DO elephants get angry? You’d be angry, too, if you had to wipe with your nose!

At the age of 12, I could have provided dozens of such examples. At the age of 44, I can hardly remember any. Googling, to my utter amazement, has turned up nothing for me as yet. Any links would be very, very much appreciated

So, let’s get it going.

Puerile sexual references, really stupid puns, and scatological content are not discouraged, at least by me.

2

There once was a man named McSprocket,
Who stuck his dick up a socket.
The son-of-a-bitch
Turned on the switch,
And away shot McSprocket like a rocket!

3

When I was in grade school it was:

We all live in a bucket of urine (rhymed with “marine,” 'natch.)
Bucket of urine
Bucket of urine

I can’t remember the rest of it, except “In the town / where I was born / there lived a man / who had to pee.”

Most of my favourite childhood “dirty” rhymes and jokes are from very early childhood. (Around six or seven.)

Ink, pink, you stink
Riding on a horse’s dink.

“Wanna hear a dirty joke?”
“Okay.”
“A hundred white horses fell in the mud.”

4

I’m gonna rule that these aren’t “art and entertainment” (although they may have entertained us as 8-year-olds), and hence not reasonable for Cafe Society Forum. It’s more in the nature of a poll (“What do your remember…”) so I’m moving it to IMHO forum.

5

Milk, milk, lemonade, 'round the corner fudge is made!

6

“Mommy! Turn on your headlights and open your gate! 'Cause here comes Daddy with a Z-28!”

And no, I can’t believe I remember that…

7

I picked this up from the bad kids down the street:
Goddamn motherfucking sonofabitch
Mama’s in the kitchen cookin red hot shit
My Daddy’s in hell
My Brother’s in jail
Sister’s on the corner yellin “pussy for sale”

8

A family walks into a talent agency…

9

A little boy is in the bath with his mummy, and he points between his legs and says “Mummy, what’s that?” “That’s your tugboat, son.”

“And what’s that?” he asks, pointing at Mummy. “That’s my harbour,” she replies.

“Can I sail my tugboat into your harbour, mummy?” he asks.

…“No son, that’s reserved for Daddy’s battleship”. :smiley:

Knocked 'em dead when I was a ten-year-old.

10

George: Martha, can I stick my finger into your bellybutton?
Martha: Sure, George.
[pause]
Martha: Um, George, that’s not my bellybutton.
George: And that’s not my finger.

11

I clearly hung out with the wrong crowd. We were a bunch goody two-shoes. I never heard any of these.

Purple submarine?

12

Larry reminded me of this classic:

Want to hear a dirty joke?
A man fell in a mud puddle.

Want to hear a clean joke?
He took a bath with bubbles.

Want to hear a nasty joke?
Bubbles was his next door neighbor!

I also vividly remember learning the following rhyme while playing on the jungle-gym on my elementary school’s playground:

Dolly Parton, she’s the best! She’s got mountains on her chest!

13

Three men were sitting around telling stories about how trashed they were the night before.

Ed: I got so drunk I blew chunks.
Ted: I got so drunk I wrapped my car around a tree.
Fred: I got so drunk I went home and beat up my wife.
Ed: No, you guys don’t get it. Chunks is my dog.

14

…achieve a higher level of artistry than typical playground ditties. Often composed to original melodies, they reflect their young creators’ precocious nature at a time of intense self-discovery (snerk).

I collected these at the National Music Camp in summer 1980.

I’m from Venus
I have a penis
Whoop de doop de doo
I have a pussy too
– Mike, 10, saxophonist

Whoa! Penises penises penises penises
Ev - 'ry - where
There’s penises in the kitchen
There’s penises on the chair
– Dave, 13, percussionist-actor

Strangers in the night, exchanging rubbers
This one’s too tight, I’ll try another
This one’s too loose, I’m losing juice
This one’s too firm, I’m losing sperm
– Rob, 11, euphonist

15

It’s the boy’s occupation
To stick his cocktatation
In the girl’s ventilation
To increase the population
Of the younger generation
If you want a demonstration
Please lie down.

It was funny at twelve because it was about sex. It’s funny at 35 because of the word “cocktatation”. I guess they got bored with trying to find a rhyme.

16

Here’s how ours went:

In the town where I was born
Lived a man who drained his hole,
And he told us of his life
In a purple toilet bowl.

We all live in a purple toilet bowl, etc., x2

As we sail the yellow sea
In our purple toilet bowl,
We have found the chunks of brown
In our purple toilet bowl.

(refrain)

Repeat entire thing until you get to your bus stop.

17

Oh, you jogged my memory on this one!

Push the button,
Puuuulllllll the chain,
Out comes chocolate choo choo train!

18

We were too young to have experienced WWII. Nonetheless we got a kick outta this ditty:

(to the tune of “Bridge on the River Kwai”)
Hitler - has only got one ball
Donald - has two but they’re too small
Dougie - has something simlar
But poor old Steven has no balls at all

We didn’t know any WWII evil dudes besides Hitler and Mousellini, so we substituted names from our gang, rotating whomever it was that had no balls at all (presumeably the most insulting).

…and (to the tune of “Whistle While You Work”)
Whistle while you work
Hitler was a jerk
Mousellini pulled his weenie
Now it doesn’t work

19

Wanna hear a joke?

  • I fart, you choke.

Wanna hear another?

  • I fart, you smother.
    Those were the days.
20

Good lord, I can’t believe what this question dredged up:

It has been a LOOONG time for me:

Sung to “My Bonny Lies Over the Ocean”

My mommy lies over the ocean
My daddy lies over the sea
My daddy lies over my mommy
And that’s how they created me!
There once was a man from Madrass
Who’s balls were made out of brass
He’d bang them together
Amid stormy weather
And Lightning shot out of his ass.

(to which I can only add: “hu-huh, he said ass”)

Child one: What were you eating under there?
Child two: Under where?
Child one: Yuck, you ate underwear!
Child one: Would you suck my dick if I washed it?
Child two: No.
Child one: You’d suck my dirty dick?

Say “Roy Rodgers loves his lasso” 10 times as fast as you can. Most will eventually bungle it to “Roy Rodgers loves his asshole”

Where does Batman pee?
In the Bat-room.

That’s all that comes to mind immediately – but I haven’t thought of these in actual decades – well, except for the man from madrass, which I’ve always found rather cute.