Naughty Kid Rhymes and Songs

Cafe Society
1

I recently spent some quality time with my son, teaching him “Milk, milk lemonade, 'round the corner, fudge is made”. It got me thinking about some other stupid, “naughty” rhymes we used to say.

King Kong went to Hong Kong and played ping pong with your ding dong.

(To the tune of “Nick Nack Paddy-whack”)
We Chinese
We play jokes
We go pee-pee in your Cokes

When you’re sliding into first and your pants begin to burst
Uhh, uhh, diarrhea, uhh, uhh, diarrhea
When you’re sliding into second and your pants become infected
Uhh, uhh, diarrhea, uhh, uhh, diarrhea
When you’re sliding into third and you feel a greasy turd
Uhh, uhh, diarrhea, uhh, uhh, diarrhea
When you’re sliding into home and your pants begin to foam
Uhh, uhh, diarrhea, uhh, uhh, diarrhea
Some kids think it’s gross, but it’s really great on toast
Uhh, uhh diarrhea!

When you’re walking down the hall and your balls hit the wall
That’s a rupture!
When you’re sliding down a slide and your balls hit the side
That’s a rupture!

Post your favorite stupid naughty rhymes here!

2

This nice site collected rhymes from all over the world a while ago:

http://www.thesneeze.com/mt-archives/cat_global_schoolyard_rhyme_project.html

3

Great big globs of greasy grimy gopher guts
Dirty little birdy feet
Mutilated monkey meat
Great big globs of greasy grimy gopher guts
Hangin’ on the outhouse door
Hangin’ on the outhouse door
Hangin’ on the outhouse doooooooorrrrrr
Great big globs of greasy grimy gopher guts
Hangin’ on the outhouse door

Thank you very much!

4

My brother Billy had a ten foot Willy,
He showed it to the girl next door,
She thought it was a snake
And she hit it with a rake
Now it isn’t ten foot anymore!

I’m a little fairy,
I don’t swear,
Pee, po belly bum!
I don’t care.

5

Marsie, I know something that has a similar beginning.

great green globs of greasy grimy gopher guts
mutilated monkey meat
little birdies’ hairy feet
all these things are very very good to eat
but i forgot my spoon so they gave me
ham sandwich, pus on top
eagle eye and camel snot
horse’s vomit, cow guts too
eat it (someone’s name), it’s good for you!

6

Ink, pink, you stink, riding on a horse’s dink.

7

When we were kids we’d make fun of colors kids were wearing (even ourselves).

Red, red wet the bed, wipe it up with gingerbread.

Blue, blue you got the flue you just puked all over you.

I’m sure there were others, but I can’t remember them.

Not really naughty, but kinda gross.

8

Mary had a little lamb
She thought him very silly
She threw him up into the air
and caught him by the
Willy was a sheepdog
Lying in the grass
Down came a bumblebee
and stung him on the
Ask no questions
Tell no lies
I saw a policeman
Doing up his
Flies are annoying
Wasps are worse
That is the end of my silly little verse.

9

That has some similar parts to one I know:

Miss Susie had a steamboat, the steamboat had a bell
Miss Susie went to heaven, the steamboat went to
Hello operator, please give me number nine
And if you disconnect me, I’ll kick you from
Behind the 'frigerator, there was a piece of glass
Miss Susie sat upon it and cut her little
Ask me no more questions, I’ll tell you no more lies
The boys are in the bathroom zipping up their
Flies are in the meadow, bees are in the park
Miss Susie and her boyfriend are kissing in the
D-A-R-K, D-A-R-K, D-A-R-K
Dark Dark Dark!
Dark is like the movies, the movies’s like a show
A show is like a TV set and that is all I know
I know my Ma, I know I know my Pa
I know I know my sister with the
40-acre, 40-acre, 40-acre
Bra Bra Bra!

There’s a place in France where the naked ladies dance
There’s a hole in the wall where the men can see it all
There’s a king and a queen with a rubber ding-a-ling

And a couple of remembered alternate verses to the diarrhea song:

When you’re sitting on a cushion and you feel something pushing, diarrhea!
When you’re climbing up a ladder and you feel something splatter, diarrhea!

Sigh, I’m really embarrassing myself here.

10

One more, which is all I can still remember of it:

I woke up this morning and my teddy bear was dead, diarrhea!

11

To the tune of “Turkey in the Straw”:

Old man Whiskers, sittin’ on a rock
Shavin’ the whiskers off his cock
Razor slipped and he cut off his balls
Peed all over his overalls.
And of course the classic:

Comet, it tastes like gasoline
Comet, it makes your mouth turn green
Comet, it makes you vomit
So get some Comet, and vomit today

12

Larry Mudd stole mine! It must be a BC thing, I thought no one else would have heard of that one! Anyway, I’ll add:

In the land of Oz, the women wear no bras
But the men don’t care, 'cause they don’t wear underwear

and

Popeye the Sailorman, lived in a frying pan
Turned on the gas and burned his ass, Popeye the Sailorman.

13

I’m Popeye the sailor man.
I lives in a garbage can.
I eat all dem wurms and I spits out dem germs.
I’m Popeye the sailor man.

14

Man, this is bringing back some memories. We sang it:

There’s a place in France where the naked ladies dance
But the men don’t care, cause they wear their underwear.

Also in the underwear theme,

(to the tune of “Fanfare for the Common Man” by Copland, which we learned from the Olympics)

Jesus Christ
Superstar
Ridin’ down the beach on his Yamaha
Cops are there
I don’t care
Cause I’ve got my bull-proof underwear

15

Hmm one alternate that we sang about Rudolph…

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer reindeer
Had a very shiny pistol pistol
And if you ever saw it saw it
You would drop your pants and run

A favourite of mine sung to the tune of Barges (which is officially banned though it still pops up)

Out of my window looking in the night
I can see the leaders cigarette light
Silently flows the whiskey to the flask
As I see the leaders are having a blast

Leaders I would like to go with you
I would like to share your whiskey too
Leaders have you scouters in your beds
Are you planning for 9 months ahead?

16

Ummm, how naughty is too naughty? I learned this in Boy Scouts so it’s really REALLY naughty.

Spoiler boxed for your protection.

Went into town, looking for a whore
God damn son of a bitch, couldn’t find a whore.
Finely found a whore, she was small and thin
God damn son of a bitch, couldn’t get it in
Finely got it in, moved it all about
God damn son of a bitch, couldn’t get it out
Finely got it out, it was red and sore
God damn son of a bitch, never fuck a whore.

17

Fern Forest,
I learned it in the Scouts too, but the first verse in our troop was “Walkin’ down Canal Street, Going door to door…”

A great book on the subject is One Potato Two Potato by Mary Knapp.

18

Here’s the definitive work on the subject: Greasy Grimy Gopher Guts by Josepha Sherman and T. K. F. Weisskopf.

Highly recommended.

19

I heard it as “had a very shiny gun”, to rhyme with ‘run’.

And it had the verse:

Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say:
“Rudolph with your gun so bright,
why don’t you shoot my wife tonight…”

20

The “Popeye” song I remember had the verse:

I loves to go swimmin’
With bare nekkid wimmen

The “Rudolph” song went:

Rudolph the red gunned cowboy
Had a very shiny gun
And if you ever saw it
You would drop your pants and run
All of the other cowboys
Used to laugh and call him names
They wouldn’t let poor Rudolph
Join in any cowboy games
Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say
Rudolph with your gun so bright
Won’t you shoot my wife tonight
Then all the cowboys loved him
And they shouted out with glee
Rudolph the red gunned cowboy
You’ll go down in history!

There were a couple of songs we knew containing drug references, but they were more middle-school things and maybe not appropriate for the thread anyway.