Innappropriate songs for toddlers...

My daughter is currently just over two years old, and every time we drive in the car, I get “Daddy, sing kitty cat song! Daddy Sing Kitty Cat Song!” from the back seat. The kitty cat song is based on a true story, and goes thusly:

My kitty cat has whiskers,
My kitty cat has fleas,
My kitty cat has jaundice,
Kill my kitty cat please.

My puppy dog has whiskers,
My puppy dog has fleas,
My puppy dog has cancer,
Kill my puppy dog please.

My kitty cat has whiskers,
And advanced kidney disease,
My kitty cat’s quite grumpy,
Kill my kitty cat please.

Other parents who have been exposed to this little ritual are horrified, but I find it quite amusing and educational of the harsh realities of the world.

Anyone else got some good bad songs for the wee ones?

Sung to the tune of “The Farmer in the Dell” (you have to smoosh some words together to make it work):

Count Dooku takes an Anakin
Count Dooku takes an Anakin
Hi ho the Death Star
Count Dooku takes an Anakin

Anakin takes an Obi Wan
Anakin takes an Obi Wan
Hi ho the Death Star
Anakin takes an Obi Wan

Obi Wan cuts him up
And leaves him in the lava
Hi ho the Death Star
Obi Wan cuts him up

(Brief interlude of the Darth Vader theme here)

Darth Vader stands alone
Darth Vader stands alone
Hi ho the Death Star
Darth Vader stands alone

Silly, I know, but it really cracks up the little Dax boy. He’s almost 3 and has recently become fascinated with “good vs. evil”.

Sung to the tune of…?

I used to sing “Happy Boy” by the The Beat Farmers to my kids when they were young.

I was walkin’ down the street on a sunny day
Hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba
A feeling in my bones that I’ll have my way
Hbba hubba hubba hubba hubba

Well I’m a happy boy (happy boy)
Well I’m a happy boy (happy boy)
Oh ain’t it good when things are going your way, hey hey?

My little dog spot got hit by a car
Hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba
Put his guts in a box and put him in a drawer
Hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba


I forgot all about it for a month and a half
Hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba
I looked in the drawer and started to laugh
Hubba hubba hubba hubba hubba


What’s the rush?

On the other hand… perhaps it’s not too late to introduce her to some gangsta’ rap. I hear “Cop Killer” is all the rage at the ‘Mommy and Me’ Kindermusic classes. :rolleyes:

I know, hyperbole… but still… “Kill my kitty cat?!”

So nobody saw that episode of Friends featuring Baby Got Back?

QuickSilver said:

I don’t presume to speak for MrFantsyPants , but I know my little guy is aware that “bad things happen”, and he’s sometimes a little anxious and upset about those “bad things”. We’ve found that talking about those things, even singing silly songs about them, helps alleviate his anxiety and makes it easier for him to explore, in the limited fashion of a tolddler, how things work in life. I don’t think it’s all that much different from an adult whistling through the cemetery or watching the movie Scream . Hope that makes sense–was up with the baby half the night so my brain isn’t working very well yet!

My kids are no longer toddlers, but some people may find it a bit strange that they love the “Brave Sir Robin” sing-along on the Monty Python and the Holy Grail DVD.

He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken
To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away,
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, Brave Sir Robin!

Guns N’ Roses “Get in the Ring”

Metallica’s “Last Caress/So What”


Well, on the more practical level, we have pets that she loves that are getting old. I’m not a fan of the “going to a farm to play with other dogs” lie.

On a more philosophical level, we plan on raising BabyFantsyPants in this world, not a world with tooth fairies, easter bunnies and santa clauses where everything always turns out okay. Call us crazy, but we want to teach her young to be responsible for her own happiness, and to deal with it when it doesn’t happen.

Kids tend to love dark and creepy stuff. I did when I was a kid, and so did all my friends. Songs and stories like that are windows into the world. I think it’s a hoot.

Here is one of my favorites when I was a kid. Sung to the tune of “Oh Christmas Tree”:

Chorus: Oh Tom the Toad, oh Tom the Toad
Why did you hop out in the road?

You did not see the coming car
And now you are part of the tar

You used to be so green and fat
And now you are so red and flat

You were alive, but now you’re dead
Your face resembles tire tread

Ha ha! Still pretty funny, IMO.

Well, when I was a kid, my mother sang many a ditty to me that would probably be considered un-kid friendly. One of my favorites, though certainly not the only one is this:

Great green globs of greasy grimy gopher guts
Mutilated monkey meat
Chopped up birdie feet
Great big eyeballs rollin’ in the frying pan
And you forgot your spoon?

So they gave you a ham sandwich with puss on top,
Monkey brains and camel snot
Elephant eyeballs chopped into
Eat it Swanky it’s good for you.

I can’t wait to sing it to my kids someday.

LIAR! There is too a Happy Farm for Old Pets!!!

Apparently my parents were told off by the nursery school for teaching me “I’m a lonely Little Petunia in the Onion Patch” when I was little. If you watch Six Feet Under you’ll have seen the entire Fisher family singing it to baby Maya. Apparently the nursery thought it was sort of warping.

“I’m a lonely little Petunia in the Onion patch,
The onion patch, the onion patch
I’m a lonely little Petunia in the Onion patch
And all I do is cry all day
Boo hoo, boo hoo, boo hoo”

Goodness only knows what they’d have made of the kitty cat song!

Yeah, I remember when I thought that, too…

A friend of mine used to add at this point:

Can I use a straw?


When I was a kid (around 5 or 6), I had an old record of children’s songs that, for some reason, included “What Do You Do With a Drunken Sailor.” I don’t know why, but I really liked that song, even though I had no idea what “drunken” meant. Mom likes to tell people how embarrassed she was going out in public with this little kid merrily singing a drinking song at the top of her lungs.

Heck, part of singing ‘horrible’ songs is the shock value. When she’s a bit older, you can sing the Hearse Song. It’s a classic!

  Don't you ever laugh as the hearse goes by, 
  'Cause you may be the next to die. 
  They wrap you up in a big white sheet 
  From your head down to your feet. 
  They put you in a big black box 
  And cover you up with dirt and rocks. 
  All goes well for about a week, 
  Then your coffin begins to leak. 
  The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out, 
  The worms play pinochle on your snout. 
  They eat your eyes, they eat your nose, 
  They eat the jam between your toes. 
  A big green worm with rolling eyes 
  Crawls in your stomach and out your eyes. 
  Your stomach turns a slimy green, 
  And pus pours out like whipping cream. 
  You spread it on a slice of bread, 
  And that's what you eat when you are dead.

You mean … Grampa didn’t actually go to live on a farm when he was 92?

When I was a boy, we had a small garden out back of the house, and sometimes the goodies my folks grew would be nibbled upon by the neighborhood bunnies. So Pop made up two songs, and I used to get such a kick out of them! He made up the tunes himself, so you’ll just have to guess at what they sounded like.

Fluffy Bunny don’t bend so good
He’s just like a block of wood

I can’t remember the rest of that one, but there was also

Rigor Mortis Rabbit had a very bad habit
Of chewing up the garden in the Spring
Until Uncle Daddy
Said, “Rabbit, you’re a baddy,
And I’ll smack your bum until I make it sting!”

My old man – what a kidder! heh heh …

Friends had their male kitty fixed, and in talking about it made up a song sung to the tune of ‘Smokey the Bear.’ A week or so later, they were highly embarrassed when their little one belted out a repeat in the supermarket:

Numb nuts the cat,
numb nuts the cat.
Prowlin’ and a growlin’
and a wonderin’ where it’s at…