Your kids are all gonna grow up so warped…
I’m not afraid for the future now. 
I have discovered a little ditty that I will be sharing with my sons, if I ever have them. It’s from the Vicar of Dibley, which is one of my favorite Britcoms.
This songlet is very short, but it’s cute, and I sing it to Mr. Swanky every time we have a thunder storm.
Sung by Hugo Horton:
When it’s dark and stormy
And your feeling a little sick
Cuddle up nice and warmy
And play with your little dick
although, I should add that in no way does this song accurately describe his man part, as it is quite large.
/end hijack
I think the song Ashes, Ashes mentioned is the reason I insist that I will be cremated when I die. I remember singing that with my sisters.
Speaking of sisters and inappropriate songs for toddlers, one of my sisters (she was 16 at the time) taught me the words to AC/DC’s “Big Balls” when I was 2.
Not really a song, from what I remember, but my grandpa, who I’m named after, taught me a naughty little rhyme when I was little:
The monkey & the baboon playin’ in the grass
The monkey stuck his finger up the baboon’s ass
The baboon said, “Well, bless my soul!
Get your dirty finger out of my asshole!”
Beadalin, I didn’t know anyone else knew “O, Tom the Toad”! I learned it in Girl Scouts actually - w/ slightly different lyrics. Great song! 
And gasp Ashes, Ashes - the Hearse song is my FAVORITE! I learned it when I was three or four (I think a babysitter taught me) and my friends and I would constantly sing it! It is printed in full in one of Alvin Schwartz’ Scary Stories books. I can’t remember which one (Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, More Scary Stories to tell in the Dark and Scary Stories III: Stories to Chill Your Bones). I read those books until the covers fell off - talk about a warped childhood. 
Schwartz has a pretty decent bibliography at the back and he discusses how songs resembling The Hearse Song have been around for ages as a way of dealing with death by making light of it. He cites a few songs from soldiers during WWII and also some bits of poetry from around Beowulf’s time.
Anyway - to the OP - I don’t have children but if I ever do you can bet I’ll be singing them goofy disturbing songs!
I learned in (I think) Girl Scout camp:
My father shot a kangaroo
He gave to me the greasy part to chew
Wasn’t that a terrible thing to do
To give me to chew the greasy part of a dead kangaroo
Kids love gross songs, or at least every kid I have ever known does. I will certainly be singing gross and otherwise “inappropriate” songs to my kids when I have them. Hey, they’ll be my kids- they’ll be genetically warped already.
Ginny jump!
Larry gots a gun!
Jerry has a Razorr!
Mary’s dead!
Shot in the head!
Timmy’s got his 10-10 furlough!
My daughter used to sing a very short lullaby to her little brother:
Go to sleep
little creep
before I drop you.
My personal favorite was from Garrison Keillor:
Cat, you better come on home
Cat, you better come on home
There’s dogs in the dark
waiting to attack
cat hawks looking for a late night snack
cat, oh, cat you better come on home.
We sang that one a lot. When we got to Cub Scout /Brownie ages, we picked up a lot of new, gross songs like “Ghost Chickens in the Sky.”
Well, this is for older kids, but that still makes it inappropriate for a toddler:
Goin’ down the highway doing ninety miles an hour
when the chain on my bicycle broke
landed in the ditch with a peddle up my ass
and my dink playing “Dixie” with the spokes
When WhyKid was about 3 or 4, I was in a college production of Jesus Christ Superstar. He loved to come to rehearsals and watch from the house. Imagine my delight when he started singing along. Even better, when he started to sing the songs in the grocery store, at the top of his little lungs. I’m not sure which one was the worst. It was possibly:
“Crucify him! Crucify him! Crucify crucify crucify crucify! Crucify him!”
or, sung in the loudest most demonic voice he could manage to mimic the basso he wasn’t,
“This Jesus must, Jesus must, Jesus must DIE!!!”
:smack:
Phish’s lovely carnival-tainted song Esther is a cute song with a catchy tune that varies from 3/4 to 4/4 and back. The lyrics are linked above, but I won’t reproduce them here – just a quick synopsis of this very dark song!
It’s about a girl (Esther) who is given a doll by a creepy man at a carnival; when she shows it to the congregation of her church, they try to kill her for it. A storm brews outside, blows up her skirt, and she begins to fly, holding fast to her doll. She lands safely in the bad part of town, hides from evil men until the sun comes up, and just as she’s walking to safety along the lake shore, a mob of angry joggers show up. She is forced to swim for it! The lake is cold, and she starts to struggle, so she strips off her clothes. Just when she thinks she’s saved herself, the poppet she let go with her clothes swims up, grabs onto her toe, and drags them both to the bottom. :eek:
Gave me nightmares in high school.
Hello, boys and girls. This is your old pal, Stinky Wizzleteats. This is a song about a whale. No! This is a song about being happy! That’s right! It’s the Happy Happy Joy Joy song!
Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Joy!
I don’t think you’re happy enough! That’s right! I’ll teach you to be happy! I’ll teach your grandmother to suck eggs! Now, boys and girls, let’s try it again!
Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Joy!
If’n you aint the grandaddy of all liars! The little critters of nature… They don’t know that they’re ugly! That’s very funny, a fly marrying a bumblebee! I told you I’d shoot! But you didn’t believe me! Why didn’t you believe me?!
Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Happy Happy
Happy Happy Happy Happy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Joy!
You mean by the Misfits and Anti-Nowhere League.
It’s so sweet to remember Ren smashing himself in the head with a hammer in time to the beat, just to get the Happy Helmet™ off!
According to a Beatles radio show I heard, the line, “Yellow matter custard, dripping from a dead dog’s eye” is from the kids gross-out song. Supposedly John Lennon heard that teachers at his old hated school were using Beatle lyrics as material in English class and decided, “Let them figure out THAT.”
well, I don’t know the tune, but these alternate words might suit her …
<I>Once I had a kitty cat
And all she ate was yarn
And when her little kittens came,
they came with sweaters on!
Once I had a puppy dog
And all she ate were cans
And when her little puppies came
They came in Ford Sedans!
</i>
You could outright ban her from signing them, or just admonish it to singing it only to appropriate audiences, like you or other close caregivers, that there are times, places and people it’s not appropriate to sing it.
Do not, I repeat, do not sing this song to any boy child. He’ll only end learning how to masturbate when he’s older! :eek:
Hell, My mom taught us that one. Also taught us “Do Your Ears Hang Low.”
Others from childhood:
*Suffocation, jolly Suffocation!
Suffocation, the game we like to play!
First you take a rubber hose…
…Then you stick it up your nose!
Turn it on, then you’re gone!
Oooooh!
Suffocation, jolly Suffocation!
Suffocation, the game we like to play!
Next you get a plastic bag…
…Then you put it on your head!
Go to bed, wake up dead!
Oooooh!
Suffocation, jolly Suffocation!
Suffocation, the game we like to play!*
You get the idea. Add verses, as your twisted imagination allows.
Then, there were the various modifications to the Battle Hymn Of the Republic (which is plenty blood-thristy in its own right!), or the Marine Corps Hym. Some sample verses:
Mine eyes have seen the glory of the burning of the school…
We have slaughtered every teacher and broken every rule…
Now we’re marching to the office to hang the principal!
Our troops are marching on!
Or…
From the halls {insert school name here}
to the shores of Tripoli…
We have fought our teacher’s paddles
with spitwads, gum, and clay!
We fight for longer recesses
and to keep our desks a mess (A MESS!)
We are proud to claim the title
of Our Teachers Favorite Pests!
Or…
Glory, glory, hallelujah!
Teacher hit me with a ruler!
I met her in the attic with a loaded automatic
And she ain’t my teacher no more!
We used to get an entire school bus of kids singing these, all of us at the top of our lungs, on the way to school. Back then, we were just kids having fun. Today, if kids sang that stuff, they’d probably cause a terrorist alert.
My daughter’s favorite is
Granny’s in the cellar
lordy, don’t you smell her
cookin bisquits on that durned old
dirty stove
In her eye there is a matter
that keeps drippin in the batter
and she whistles while the (loud snot sucking sound)
runs down her nose
This is a little off subject, but if you wanna read your kids a nice twisted
book, get ‘The Three Little Wolves and the Big Bad Pig’ by Eugene Trivizas and Helen Oxenbury. “the pig wasn’t called big and bad for nothing. He brought some dynamite, laid it against the house, lit the fuse, and …the little wolves just managed to escape with their fluffy tails scorched” The illustrations are priceless, especially the pig on top of the concrete house with a jackhammer. This may be out of print, though, cause I’ve had it for a lot of years.