OH, another tounge twister:
I’m not a sheet slitter
Nor a sheet slitter’s son
But I’ll slit the sheets
Till the sheet slitter comes
My younger brother and sister sang a “Yellow Submarine” parody too, but all I remember is:
We all live in a yellow submarine
A purple lima bean
A fish’s ding-a-ling
It used to crack me up when I was a teenager and they were in elementary school, because it just made no sense.
There was one a friend taught me, and again I only remember a piece of it:
He took me to his house (achee-ka)
Laid me on his couch (achee-ka)
He stuck it in easy (achee-ka)
He pulled it out greasy!
God, that’s gross.
Our variant ended with “You dirty cocksucker”
Then there’s Inpsector Pussy… One person told a story while everyone listening would chorus the words “Inspector Pussy” at each pause.
He arrived at the scene of the crime… Inspector Pussy
He studied the scene… Inspector Pussy
He crouched over the body… Inspector Pussy
etc.
etc.
He saw she was naked… Inspector Pussy
What should he do?.. Inspect her pussy
(ha ha ha)
I’d be remiss to neglect mentioning the old classics:
Pull the edges of your mouth apart with two fingers of each hand. Now say “I was born on a pirate ship.” Ha ha ha
Okay, now say “Puck” Ha ha ha ha HA ha ha!
God, I shudder to think my kids are probably discovering many of these gems.
What goes in long and hard, and comes out soft, wet, and sticky?
- Bubble gum. What were YOU thinking of?
I see Paris
I see France
I see Jason’s underpants
Feel free to replace Jason with any name you wish.
This one has to be said out loud to work:
What’s long and hard and full of /si:'men/? (I told you, say it, don’t read it)
A submarine.
And don’t forget the classic graffiti:
He who writes on outhouse walls
Rolls his shit in little balls.
He who reads these words of wit
Will eat these little balls of shit.
And how about the book titles?
The Yellow River, by I. P. Freely
50 Yard Dash To The Outhouse, by Willy Makeit, illustrated by Bette Dont
Under The Grandstand, by Seymour Butz
The Tiger’s Revenge, by Claude Bahls
Ah, good times, good times.
“Brown Spots on the Wall” by Hu Flung Pu
“Green Spots on the Wall” by Pickett N. Flickett
“Yellow Spots on the Wall” by I.P. Freely
“White Spots on the Wall” by C. Mann
<sing-songy>
Cocksucker, motherfucker two-ball bitch.
You can’t fuck your mother 'cuz your two-balls itch.
I think a local kid made it up.
cocksucker motherfucker two ball bitch turns up some google hits, but nothing exact.
In high school, I made up a song to the tune of yellow submarine that went,
“We all have venereal disease”
And it was about all the girls in the high school,
“In a land across the sea,
Lived a girl, named Stephanie
<insert dirty lyrics here>.”
We had a lot of these. We used Inspector Tit. Pea Green Soup was my personal favorite.
What did <teacher, another kid> have for breakfast? Pea Green Soup
What did X have for lunch? Pea Green Soup
For dinner…
What did he do all night? Pee Green Soup.
A kiss is a kiss
A plum is a plum
A kiss is nothing
Without a tongue. (doesn’t really rhyme now, does it?)
5 minutes is a pleasure
9 months is a pain
10 hours in the delivery room
Before Johnny came
Johnny’s father is a bastard
His mother is a whore
Little Johnny wouldn’t be here
If the rubber hadn’t tore. (at the time, I had no idea what a rubber was, so I envisioned some weird rubber slingshot type thing keeping a baby inside his mother. :eek: )
Miss Susie had a tugboat
The tugboat had a bell
Miss Susie went to heaven
The tugboat went to hello
Operator, give me number 9
If you disconnect me,
I’ll chop off your behind
The refrigerator, there was a piece of glass
Miss Susie sat upon it
And cut her little ask
Me no more questions,
Tell me no more lies
The boys are in the bathroom
Zipping up their flies
Are in the meadow
The bees are in their hive…
On and on ad nauseum…
We had the “Whore Song” which went:
Walkin’ down Canal Street, lookin’ for a whore
G-d D-mn Son of a bitch
Couldn’t find a whore!
Finally found a whore, she was tall and thin
G-d D-mn Son of a bitch
Couldn’t get it in!
Finally got it in, swished it all about!
G-d D-mn Son of a bitch
Couldn’t get it out!
Finally got it out, it was red and sore
G-d D-mn Son of a bitch
Never F-ck a whore!!
My sister once told me she’d beat me up when I threatened to sing the song while we were walking down Canal Street in New York.
I was walking through the park one day
In the merry merry month of May
I looked up a tree and what did I see?
A goddamned (negro) trying to pee on me.
I picked up a rock, through it at his cock
Goddamned (negro) must’ve jumped a whole block
Funny thing, though, is we didn’t really know what a “nigger” was at that age and didn’t equate them to black people. We also never never connected the boogie-man with a black man. So naive.
Are you PT?
No. (you’re not potty-trained!)
Yes. (you’re a pregnant teacher!)
Say “mother may I” and spell CUP.
Nature’s Call, you keep jogging my memory!
There’s a place in France
Where the women wear no pants
and the men don’t care
'cause they have no underwear.
Bullshit! That’s all the band could play
Bullshit! They played it every day
Bullshit! Dadada bullshit!
Dadada Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit!
The way I’ve heard it:
Hitler has only got one ball.
Goering has two, but very small.
Himmler is rather similar
And Goebals (prounounce it Go-balls for this exercise) has no balls at all.
The rhymes work better with the actual names. But I’m too young to remember too - born in 1956!
Old McDonald sittin’ on a fence,
Hittin’ his knee with a monkey wrench,
Missed his knee and hit his balls,
Pissed all over his overalls,
Went to the doctor, the doctor said,
“Oh my god, your balls are dead!”
There was a second verse, but I can’t remember it anymore…
Ooh, that one reminded me of one my grandmother taught me when I was a kid:
When I was young and had no sense
I took a whiz on an electric fence
It stung my dick and shocked my balls
And made me shit in my overalls
Wow…haven’t thought of some of these in years. Here’s my contribution:
Q: Who Discovered Fuzz On Peaches?
A: Peaches’ Boyfriend!
Sung to Clemintine:
In the cabinet, in the bathroom, o’er the sinks whose faucets shine;
stands a funny little bottle and they call it iodine.
Oh you funny, oh you funny, oh you funny iodine;
You don’t taste good with a cookie but for booboos your just fine.
Theres a place in France where the alligators dance;
The one couldn’t dance so they kicked him in the pants;
The pants next door cost a dollar forty four;
Plus tax…
Know how to keep an idiot in suspense?
I knew it as:
There’s a place in France
Where the naked ladies dance
There’s a hole in the wall
Where the men can see it all
But the men don’t care
Cause they’re in their underwear
Yeah, doesn’t make much sense.
:eek: You’re shitting me… that’s where the term came from?!