For Easter: Jesus Jokes!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

There was an MPSIMS thread a while back with Jesus jokes, but heck if I can find it. Any search that includes the word “Jesus” will get pages and pages of results. I tried to narrow it down, but no luck.

So here goes.

—Mary to teenage Jesus: “Why can’t you be more like your cousin John? Now there’s a boy with a good head on his shoulders!”

—After the Resurrection, Jesus and the Apostles are fishing. Jesus offers to go back to shore and get the sandwiches. Steps out of the boat and immediately goes under. “Oh, right…last time I didn’t have these holes in my feet.”

—Jesus is on the cross, almost completely exsanguinated. In a faint, feeble voice, he calls, “Peter…Peter…”

Hearing this, Peter scrambles up the hill, past the guards, and almost makes it to the foot of the cross before the guards push him back down.

“Peter…Peter…”

Peter makes another attempt, and is again beaten down.

“Peter…Peter…”

Now dazed and bleeding, Peter climbs back up again, With his last ounce of strength, he pushes past the guards and flings himself on the ground at the foot of the cross. “What is it, my Lord?”

“I can see…your house from here…”

—And there’s that Far Side panel that I’m not sure was ever published, except in the Pre-History of the Far Side: Jesus, unshaven and bleary, pouring coffee. “Man, am I beat…I feel like I’ve been dead for three days!”

2

There’s the old classic “Why do the chicks love Jesus? Because he’s hung like THIS!” [Put your arms out like you’re on the cross.]

Related to that, I had a friend who liked to do a Jesus impression. “Hey, who am I?” Then he’d stretch his arms out as far as he could and roll his head to one side. I do it sometimes, it’s usually a big hit.

3

I always liked Sam Kinison’s bit about Jesus dealing with his wife after coming home three days late.

4

From this website:
http://www.ghastlycomic.com/d/20040425.html

Chick Tract: Ass sex makes the baby Jesus cry

Gay guy: “Is this true Drunk and Bitter Jesus?”

DaB Jesus: “I don’t know. I was too young to remember but I would think ass sex makes all babies cry.”

5

God decided he needed a vacation. One of his aides suggested
Venus. “Forget it,” God said. "I went there 10,000 years ago and got
sunburned. Another aide suggested Jupiter. “No way,” God replied.
“I went there 5,000 years ago and froze my ass off”. A third advisor
suggested Earth. “That’s the worst,” God answered angrily. “I was
there 2,000 years ago and they’re still accusing me of knocking up
some Jewish bitch!”

6

St. Peter is feeling a little grumpy, so he decides he’s going to drill the new arrivals at the Pearly Gates before granting them admission. He even installs, cheesy-game-show style, a bell and a buzzer to respond to right and wrong answers.

The first arrival, George, arrives. St. Peter asks him the meaning of Christmas. George says, “That’s the day we give people lots of stuff, and we get a lot of loot in return, and usually there’s good food and a football game.” BUZZ!!! goes St. Peter’s buzzer, and off George goes to hell.

The second applicant, Phil, appears. St. Peter asks him to describe the meaning of Ash Wednesday. The answer: “That’s the day when everyone has a hangover after Mardi Gras.” BUZZ!!! …and off goes Phil.

Thoroughly exasperated by this point, St. Peter asks the next arrival, Bob, the meaning of Easter. Bob gets very serious. “Once upon a time, 2000 years ago, there was a great man. His name was Jesus of Nazareth. He was a teacher and a leader of men.”

“Yes, yes, please go on!” says St. Peter.

Bob continues: Jesus lived in a time when the Romans were occupiers of his area. The Romans, and some of his own people, saw Jesus as a threat, and eventually he was crucified. They took his body down from the cross, wrapped it in a shroud, put it in a cave, and sealed off the cave entrance with a huge boulder."

“…And?..” asks St. Peter, his finger poised over the bell.

“And on the third day, the day we now celebrate as Easter,” says Bob, “it was a miracle. The boulder was rolled aside, and out walked Jesus into the gleaming sunlight of the new day. He looked down at the path, noticed that he was casting a chadow, and declared that there would be six more weeks of winter.”

BUZZ!!!

Sorry… but the “I can see your house from here” joke was already taken…

7

Why doesn’t Jesus eat M&M’s?

Because they fall through the holes in his hands.

8

St. Peter is minding the Pearly Gates, but has to step away for a moment, so he calls Jesus over.
“Here’s all you have to do: When someone comes up to the Gates, ask them a little about themselves, and then using your Divine Intuition, decide whether you’ll let them in or not.”
Seems easy enough, so Peter toddles off and Jesus settles down and waits for the next arrival, who happens to be a little old man.
Jesus asks him his name, and he replies, “On Earth, I was known as Joseph.”
He is next asked his profession. “Oh, I was a woodworker - a carpenter.”
And did he have any offspring? “My, yes. Several children - but the most beloved was my son. Everyone always wanted to hear about him, and learn lessons from him. Small children especially adored him. He came to a bad end, but then everything turned out just fine, and they still talked about him forever after he passed…”
Jesus throws his arms wide open. “I knew it!” He yells. “Father!”
The old man’s eyes light up, and he embraces Jesus. “My boy – Pinocchio!”
:rolleyes:

9

What did Mary say when her son left the door open?
“Jesus Christ! Were you born in a barn?”

It is easier for a needle to pass through the eye of a rich man than it is for a camel to enter heaven.

10

Did Mary Magdalene make Jesus pay for the second coming?

11

I heard this as:

Q: Why did the blonde go to church?
A: She heard there was a guy in there hung like this.

12

Easter’s been cancelled.

They found the body.

13

God’s moping around Heaven. St. Peter somes up to him and says, ‘Gosh, God, you’re looking a little blue. Why don’t you pop down to Earth and pick up on some of the local action?’

God says, ‘I’d like to, Pete; but I knocked up this chick about 2,000 years ago, and they still haven’t stopped talking about it!’

14

Jesus is walking down the street when he comes upon an angry mob.

They have surrounded a prostitute, whom they intend to stone to death.

Jesus rushes to the woman’s defense, brilliantly defending her and convincing the mob to spare her life.

He winds up the spiel by dramatically declaring, “Let the one among you who is without sin cast the first stone!”

As soon as he says this, an old woman steps forward and nails the prostitute right between the eyes with a big stone.

Jesus turns to the old woman and says, "Mom, do you always have to do that?!"

15

I like that one; except when I tell it I put my hands on my hips and say in an annoyed tone, ‘Mother!’

:smiley:

16

Jesus walks into a hotel, throws three huge nails down on the counter, and says, “Can you put me up for the night?”

17

Most of these are from the Gospel of Jesus’s brother, long forgotten to church history, The Virgin Marvin.

So were the gold, frankincence and myrrh birthday or Christmas gifts?

18

I got this one from my conservative uncle who is a preacher.

A man is on vacation with his wife and mother-in-law in Israel and when the MIL dies. So the husband finds a funeral home and is talking with the owner about the prices. The owner say that for $500 she can be buried in Jerusalem or for $5000 she can be shipped back home and buried. The husband quick as he can takes out a check and writes one for the $5K. The Funeral Home owner says "You must have really loved her because you didn’t even think about it. The husband says “No, I heard that a guy was buried here once and he came back to life. I can’t take that chance!”

19

While in this position, you’re ready to tell this one…
What did Jesus say when they pulled the nails out of his hands?
(start pinwheeling your arms and falling forward)

“The feet!! The feet!!”

20

Why didn’t Jesus go to college?

He got hung up on the boards.

–

Just after Jesus rode into town on an ass, someone stole it. A member of the Jerusalem police came to investigate.

What was the asses name?

Jesus: I don’t know.

What color was the ass?

Jesus: Brown, I guess.

Any distinguishing markings?

Jesus: I don’t remember.

Cop: (Exasperated) Well, do you know the sex of the ass, at least?

Jesus: Yes! I know it was male.

Cop: Why are you so sure?

Jesus: While I was riding through the streets, a bunch of people shouted ‘Look at the shmuck on that ass!’

Shmuck literally means penis in Yiddish.