I heard a couple on NPR the other day.
Why don’t Buddhists vacuum in the corners?
Because they have no attachments
What did the Buddhist Monk say to the Hot Dog vendor?
Make me one with everything
From work;
How do you get an agnostic to move out of your neighbor hood?
You burn a question mark on his lawn.
Jesus walks into a motel and puts three nails on the counter and says
“Can you put me up for the night?”
Alrighty then… 
religious jokes anyone?
After the monk gets his dog with everything from the vendor
Monk: “Where’s my change?”
Hot Dog Guy: “Change comes from within”.
“So, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and have a taste of pork?”
“At your wedding, Bishop.”
The hot dog vendor gives the monk three scoops of vanilla.
It’s an ice-cream koan.
Guy and his fiancee are driving to their wedding rehearsal when their car crashes and both are killed. At the Pearly Gate, guy tells St. Peter what happened and asks if they can get married in heaven. “I’ll find out,” he promises, and disappears into the mist.
The couple waits for hours, and then days, and then weeks, and then… finally St. Peter returns from the mist and announces happily, “Yes! You can get married up here!”
Guy says, “Y’know, St. Pete, you were gone a long time and we got to wondering… What if things don’t work out for us? Can we get a divorce up here?”
St. Peter looks at the couple sternly and says, “Are you joking? It took me a month to find a preacher up here, and now you want me to find a lawyer?”
God loves everyone, but only this guy with a funny hat can talk to him and tell you what God wants you to do.
"I believe in Spinoza's God, who revealed himself in the
harmony of all being, not in the God who concerns himself with
the fate and actions of men", Albert Einstein
"God does not play dice", Albert Einstein
"God is subtle, not malicious", Albert Einstein
"Stop telling God what to do!!!", Niels Bohr to Albert Einstein
God shouldn’t have told Adam and Eve not to eat the fruit from the tree of knowledge.
He should have told them not to eat talking snakes.
And then God said, “Let there be brains!”, and there were brains. And God saw brains, but they were not good.
God was my co-pilot, but we crashed in the Andes and I had to eat him.
The Agnostic’s Prayer :
Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else may be required to insure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to insure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony. Amen.
A rabbi and a priest meet at a party and get into a casual conversation. They talk for a while, and finally the priest asks the rabbi, “Look, I know you’re not supposed to eat pork, but surely you must have been curious at one time or another. Have you ever eaten pork, and if so did you like it?”
The rabbi nods. “Well, yes, one time curiosity got the best of me and I had a ham on rye with yellow mustard. It was nice. But tell me, I know that priests are supposed to be celibate, but after all, you are a man. Have you ever made love?”
The priest gets a little red in the face but says, “Yes, I’ve indulged myself in lovemaking a few times.”
Says the rabbi, “It’s a lot nicer than pork, isn’t it?”
Q: How many Episopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Change the light bulb? My great-grandmother gave that light bulb to this parish! Who do you think you are?
So a rapist, a child molester, and a Catholic priest walk into a bar…and that’s just the first guy!
Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah’s Witness with a Unitarian Universalist?
A: Someone who knocks on a lot of people’s doors, but isn’t really sure why.
Reincarnation : Life sucks, then you die, then life sucks again.
A guy says, “I hate Jews,” and I said, “Why?” He goes, “Because they killed my God.” They believe that. If I believed that the Jews killed my God, I’d worship the Jews, 'cause shit, there’s some badasses on that team, man.
Q : What’s the difference between God and a brain surgeon?
A : God doesn’t think he’s a brain surgeon.
DEAR (FILL IN NAME OF LOCAL CONSERVATIVE CHRISTIAN MINISTER),
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s law. I have learned a great deal from you, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.
When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this?
I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that are around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify?
I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?
Lev. 20:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?
I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.
Joke threads don’t normally go in Cafe Society: I’m moving this to IMHO.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and
the spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say
he was stoned off his ass.
We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and
eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" .
The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for
the grub, Yeah God.
Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a
peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.We know God from Godzilla. Godzilla can take down iron chariots.
No, if you’re talking about a king who dies and rises and is green, then you must mean Osiris.
"And Isis searched amongst the reeds on the banks of the Nile, and searched in the soil at the bed of the Nile, and gathered together all the parts of Osiris. With potent charms, she knit his body together again. Then, Isis opened her body to her husband and thus restored him to life.
Osiris had been changed by his sojourn into the realm of the dead. His skin was green as papyrus in spring. The Great Pharoah opened his eyes. His thoughts were not of love, but of vengance upon his treachorous brother. He put out his arms and burst the gilded coffin. He arose and said ‘Set bad! Osiris smash!’
But Set was crafty, and had set Jaffa to watch the river. These servants saw the resurrection and flew off in their death gliders to alert the System Lord of his brother’s return. Set was dismayed, but had made a second plan in preparation for just this occurence. ‘Bring forth the naquadria!’ he commanded"
Unfortunately, the hieroglyphics were destroyed at that point.
I recently joined a religion called “Jenova’s Witnesses.” It’s based on the teachings of a man who played Final Fantasy VII more than he should have.
My favorite religious joke (that isn’t sacrilicious):
Jesus in his travels comes across a group of people about to stone a woman to death for the crime of adultery. He steps in front of the crowd and admonishes them: “Let the one among you who is without sin, cast the first stone!”
People look away, then start moving off. Suddenly a stone comes flying out from the back of the crowd and hits the woman on the head. Energized, the rest of the crowd gleefully picks up their stones again and brings the woman down in a bloody hail of rocks.
Enraged, Jesus seeks out the person who threw that stone. “Ma!! I asked you to quit following me around already!”
In a blinding flash of light, Jesus Christ appears at St Peter’s Basilica. One of the Cardinals, eyewitness to this incredible event, rushes to inform the Pope: “Holy Father, He is risen! He is here! What do we do?”
“Look busy!”
Priest stands up to read the Gospel lesson and turns on the microphone. He hears static and mumbles, “There is something wrong with this mic…”
Congregation responds: “And also with you.”
A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter greets him at the Pearly Gates and says, “Let me show you around.” He takes the man into a huge building, where they walk a long hallway, passing sets of double doors on each side.
At one set of doors, they hear the unmistakable sounds of monks, singing in perfect fifths. St. Peter, raising his voice to be heard, says to the man, “The Catholics are in there. You can go worship with them anytime you like!”
At the next set of doors, the sounds of tambourines, electric guitars and brassy gospel vocals can be heard. St. Peter, raising his voice again, says, “Pentecostals! That’s a lively time in there!”
The two men reach a third set of doors, behind which can be heard the sound of organ music and a choir. The man looks at St. Peter and says, “Who is that?”
St. Peter leans in and whispers into the man’s ear:It’s the Mormons. Keep your voice down; they think they’re the only ones here!
<Homer Simpson> Mmmmm, sacrilicious </Homer> 