A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar, bartender says, “Is this a joke?”
A priest, a minister, and a pig walk into a bar, bartender says,“What’s with the pig?” Priest says, "It’s the rabbi’s day off.
A priest, a minster, and a goat walk into a bar, bartender says, “A goat?” Minister says, “We couldn’t find the pig.”
A priest, a rabbi and a minister go fishing on a rare day off. They row their boat out a ways from shore and put down an anchor. The boat moves just a little bit here and there. They are enjoying being “away” from their jobs, the fishing is very relaxing, and they exchange funny stories about their lives.
The priest says: “Well, I have to go and use nature’s rest room.” He steps out of the boat, and walks on top of the water to shore, does his thing and walks on top of the water back to the boat and gets back in.
The rabbi is astonished but says nothing. A while later, the minister says: “Well, I guess it’s my turn now.” He gets out of the boat, walks on the water to shore, and does his thing and returns to the boat by walking on the water and gets back in the boat.
The rabbi is again amazed, saying nothing. When it comes time for the rabbi to “do his thing”, he tells himself that if they can do it so can he. So he steps out of the boat, and plunges into the water. The priest and the minister help him back into the boat. They look at each other, and the minister says: “Shall we show him where the rocks are?”
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi are discussing how they split up the weekly offerings. The priest says: We take the total offerings, throw them up in the air and whatever comes down heads up goes to the Lord’s work.
The minister offers: We draw a line down the center of the room and toss the total offerings in the air and whatever comes down on the right side of the room goes to the Lord.
The rabbi expounds: We take the total offerings and throw them up in the air and whatever comes down we keep–if the Lord doesn’t want it while it’s closer to Him… .
A priest, a pastor and a rabbi walk into a bar and soon begin arguing over who’s the best at what they do.
Eventually they decide that in order to prove who’s the best, they would all go out alone into the woods and convert a bear to their respective religion.
A few weeks later… they meet up at the bar and the priest announces, “I found a bear by the river and started talking to him about the Lord. He liked it so much that he now comes to mass every week.”
The pastor says, “Well, I saw a bear in the clearing. I started reading him the bible and he loved it so much that he is now going to be baptized in about a week.”
The priest and the pastor turn to look at the rabbi, who now has a broken arm, a fractured collarbone and several cuts and bruises. The rabbi says, “You know what, looking back… maybe I shouldn’t have started with a circumcision.”
A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar and go to the free buffet table. The rabbi does not partake of the bacon wrapped scallops. At the table, the priest asks him if he ever in a moment of weakness, ate any pork.
“I must confess. Once I did eat a piece of bacon. It’s very good. But you priests are not supposed to have sex. Have you ever had a moment of weakness in that area?”
Priest confesses “Yes, I did have sex with a woman , but just once.”
Rabbi responds “Helluva lot better than bacon, isn’t it?”
A rabbi, an Indian mystic, and an old hippie have their car break down near a farm. They go to the farmhouse and ask the farmer if they can spend the night there, they’ll look at the car in the morning. The farmer says they can, but there’s only enough room in the house for two of them, one of them will have to sleep in the barn. They do rock paper scissors to decide who sleeps in the barn, and the rabbi loses. So he goes off to the barn. Five minutes later, the rabbi comes back. “Mister, while I appreciate your hospitality, I can not sleep in the barn. There’s a pig in there. I’m Jewish, I can’t be around pigs, it’s not kosher.”
So the mystic and the hippie do r-p-s again, and the mystic loses. So he goes off to the barn. Five minutes later, he comes back. “Many blessings on you, but I can not stay in the barn. There’s a cow in there, and cows are sacred in my country. I do not think the gods would smile upon me if I slept with a cow nearby.”
So the hippie goes off to the barn. Five minutes later, there’s a knock on the door. Farmer opens the door, it’s the cow and the pig.
Alternate versions: Replace the hippie with a Scientologist, JW, Mormon, or any other “out there” religion.
Pig & cow shit. I’m replacing the hippie with Donald Trump!
Come on now, who in their right mind would be travelling with Trump?
The bartender saith:
So i went to a mixed religion seminar, The Christian Priest came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”
I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.
The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!
I was less amused when I told him there was nothing wrong with me.
The Mullah came, took my hands and said, “Insha Allah, you will walk today!”
I snapped at him, “There’s nothing wrong with me”
The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said, “By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!”
I rudely told him there was nothing wrong with me.
After the sermons, I stepped outside and found my car had been stolen.
A mushroom walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “I won’t serve you.” “Aw come on,” says the mushroom, “I’m a fungi.”
A priest and a minister walk into a bar, the rabbi ducked.
So a rabbi, a priest, and a minister are attending an ecumenical conference in another town, and they stop at a bar at the end of the day. The priest pulls out a deck of cards and pretty soon they’ve got a little poker game going – only to be busted by an overzealous policeman enforcing the town’s strict anti-gambling laws. So they’re hauled before a judge the next morning, and everybody’s kind of embarrassed about it, including the judge.
“Look,” he says, “just tell me you weren’t gambling, and I’ll let you go.”
“Well,” says the priest, “gambling qua gambling seems to me to imply some sort of intent to win money or with the idea that it would exchange hands at the end of the evening, whereas considering a hypothetical situation such as the one we were engaged in where the money is taking on more of the role of a token merely for tracking the interplay of the game and the relative …” and so on.
“Fine,” says the judge, “You can go.”
The minister steps up. “It seems to me that given divine foreknowledge of all events, even if we mortals are not so gifted raises the question of whether gambling as a concept can really …” and so on also, and is similarly dismissed by the judge, just leaving the rabbi in the courtroom.
“Well?” asks the judge. “Rabbi, were you gambling?”
The rabbi looks around and shrugs his shoulders. “Gambling? With who?”
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “Oh no you don’t! I’m not going to put up with lame jokes all day. Just get out!” So the priest, minister, and rabbi leave, and just as they have passed through the door a chicken walks in.
The bartender says, “Sorry buddy - we don’t serve chickens in here!”
The chicken says, “Do you know somewhere that does?”
The bartender says, “Yeah…”
The chicken asks, “Well, where is it?”
The bartender says, “It’s across the road.”
Now we know why…
A Catholic priest keeps urging his buddy the rabbi to try a bite of bacon. “C’mon, Shlomo, it’s delicious! Just try a little piece - God won’t mind!”
The rabbi keeps refusing until, finally, frustrated by the priest’s persistence, he says, “Tell you what, Patrick: I’ll have a whole plateful at your wedding!”
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk past a bar. No joke.
A cop pulls over a car with four priests in it and says, “I’m looking for a serial child molester.”
The priests look at each other, then one of them shrugs and says, “OK, I’ll do it.”
Just make it Netanyahu, Modi and Trump and your good to go.
A priest, an Imam and a Rabbi are having their usual Thursday night poker game in the local bar, when an overzealous rookie cop arrests them for gambling. The next day, when arraigned, the Judge is clearly looking for reasons to let them go.
“Father Mulroney, were you, in fact, gambling for money?”
“Well, your honor, the money was trans-substantiated as it were to mere score-keeping tokens…”
The priest is let go
“Imam Husayn, were you in fact gambling for money?”
“Well, your honor, gambling denotes wagering on an uncertain outcome. Since al-qaḍāʾ wa l-qadar teaches us that all is written already, there are no random outcomes, so how is gambling even possible?”
The Imam is let go.
“Rabbi Cohen, were you in fact gambling for money?”
The Rabbi looks to his left, then looks to his right, shrugs his shoulders and says: “Gambling? With whom?
See post 12.