Three new cars, one for each…
1st one pours water on the hood, and says a prayer.
2nd one, it’s just a prayer.
3rd one trims a bit off the tailpipe.
A priest and three of his buddies were on a golf course, and he asked the foursome ahead if they could play through. An angry atheist in the foursome said, “No! As far as I’m concerned you can just shove that crucifix up your…”
“Hey now, settle down. Why are you so angry?”
“Why? I’ll tell you why. My uncle was a christian all his life, but in his time of need, god abandoned him.”
“How so?”
“Remember that hurricane and flood last year? My uncle had faith that god would save him. When the flood was at the top of his front porch steps, a guy in a row boat came by, said, ‘Get in the boat.’ He said, ‘No, I won’t, god will save me.’ Then when the flood reached the second floor, a guy in a motor boat came by, same thing, ‘God will save me.’ And when the flood was past the roof, and the water was up to his chin, a helicopter came by, he told the guy, ‘I have faith in god, he will save me.’ But he didn’t! He let him die.”
“Son, god did not let your uncle die. He sent him two boats and a helicopter, but he wouldn’t get on.”
Well, shit.
A priest and his friend are playing golf. The friend is having a bad day and keeps making terrible shots. He begins swearing more and more, taking the Lord’s name in vain, and the priest gently admonishes him, but he doesn’t stop. “Goddammit, that hole shouldn’t have taken four strokes!” “Goddammit, who put that tree there?” “Goddamit, that water hazard really pisses me off!”
The priest says, “You know, if you keep swearing like that, God just might show his wrath.”
The friend scoffs and keeps playing. He lines up an easy putt but the ball goes around it. “Goddammit, I missed!” he says.
Suddenly a lightning bolt comes down from the clear blue sky and zaps… the priest.
From high above comes a deep bass voice: “Goddammit, I missed!”
Priest walks into a bar, and sees a fair number of his parishioners 5 or 6 drinks deep into the evening. Having preached against the evils of liquor just the day before, this upsets him greatly.
“Danny Mckaveney, don’t you want to go to heaven?” “Yes father!” “Stop drinking, stand over there. Karl Woytl, don’t you want to go to heaven?” “Yes father!” “Go stand over there. Leave your drink”. This repeats another 4 or 5 times until he gets to Jimmy. “James Barker, don’t you want to go to heaven?” “No father”. “No?! When you die, you don’t want to go to heaven?” “Oh, when I die, sure. But it looked like you were getting a group together to go right now!”
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister are flying together to an ecumenical convention. In mid-flight the plane encounters turbulent weather. The captain comes on the intercom.
“We’ve run into a major electrical storm,” he announces. “I don’t know if we’re going to make it. I urge each of you to pray in your customary manner.”
The rabbi chants: “Shma Yisroel, Adonai elohenu, Adonai echod!”
The minister sings: “Oh God, our help in ages past/ Our hope for years to come./ Our shelter from the stormy blast,/ And our eternal home!”
The priest recites: “Under the B, 7. Under the I, 22. Under the N, 39…”
A priest and a minister are playing golf on Saturday afternoon when a rabbi walks by. Unable to resist, he grabs a golf club and hits a ball that bounces off a tree, skips across a water hazard, rolls up a hill and lands right in the hole. The rabbi smiles and walks on without saying a word.
The priest looks up at heaven and says “He was breaking the Jewish Sabbath. Why did God let him make a shot like that?”
The minister responds “Actually, that was a great punishment. Who can the Rabbi tell abut what he just did?”
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi are called to the deathbed of a wealthy, but agnostic, man.
The man hands each one an envelope that contains $25,000.00, and they begin thanking him profusely. The dying man interrupts and tells them that the money is not for them to use - he wants them to pray, according to their respective traditions, for the money to be accepted in the afterlife and put to good use. Upon his imminent death, they are to place the envelopes into his casket to be taken into the next life with him, and the dying man will then see which faiths, if any, are respected by God.
The three clerics try to reason with the man - all agree that worldly goods will mean nothing in the afterlife, but he won’t listen, and pleads with them to do as he asks. In they end all three promise to do as the soon-to-be-dead man wishes.
Just two days later the man is dead and laid out at a funeral home. The priest, minister, and rabbi go up to the casket together and each places his envelope next to the corpse.
A few months later the three clergymen happen to meet again at an ecumenical conference.
As they talked, the priest, feeling guilty, blurted out his confession that he only put $10,000.00 of the $25,000.00 in the envelope he placed in the casket. “I just felt it would be much more worthwhile to let the money do some good, so I sent some of it to the missions in northern Europe to convert the heretics back to the One True Church.”
The minister, also feeling guilty, admitted that he, too, had withheld some of the money. “I put half in the envelope, and sent half to South American missions to save souls from Popery”.
The rabbi was looking more and more furious as the priest and the minister admitted their transgressions, and finally expressed his self-righteous outrage at the actions of the other two. “I am the only one of us that kept his promise to a dying man!” he exclaimed. “I’ll have you know that the envelope I placed in the casket contained my personal check for the entire $25,000.00!”
Pence and McConnell. Pence can’t stay in the barn because there’s a cow and Mother hasn’t told him it’s ok.
Jesus Christ is dying on the cross, his disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, “Peter, come hither!” Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the Roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disciples when he hears Jesus calling again, “Peter, come hither!” So, again Peter tries to climb the cross to get to his lord, when the Roman soldier draws his sword and chops Peter’s arm off.
Peter is getting a little pissed and wants to go back to his buddies, but again Jesus summons. The Roman guard can’t believe that Peter is trying yet AGAIN to climb to the cross, and chops off another arm. Peter is now covered in blood and demented from the blow to the head and wants to call it a day. Jesus hoarsly croaks, “Peter, please, come to me!”
By now, the Roman guard is tired of chopping limbs, so he lets Peter be. The faithful disciple struggles to climb the cross (without arms mind you) and after a long while he finally arrives at his Lord’s side. Hurting, suffering, bleeding, Peter looks into his Master’s eyes and asks, “Yes, my Lord. What is it?” Jesus smiles lovingly and looks off into the distance as a weak smile plays across his face, “Look Peter, I can see your house from here!”
I don’t get it.
The priest is playing a favorite Catholic game.
Get it now? B-I-N-G-O!
I see :D, thanks!
Once upon a time Jesus and Moses were playing golf. This course had a particularly difficult hole, and Moses expressed his doubts that Jesus could make the shot over the water.
“Watch this, Moses, I think I can do it,” exclaimed Jesus. “I’ve seen Arnold Palmer make this shot, Golf Swing and if Arnold Palmer can do it, then so can I.”
Moses rolled his eyes and let Jesus try. Sure enough, the ball splashed into the water. Moses parted the water for Jesus, who went in to retrieve his ball.
Jesus, however, was not ready to give up.
“I know I can do this, Moses – I’ve seen Arnold Palmer do it, and if he can do it, then so can I.”
True to form, however, Jesus’ ball ended up back in the water. Moses parted the water, and Jesus went in to retrieve the ball.
“Look, Jesus,” said Moses. “Try again if you like, but I’m not parting the water for you again.”
“Fair enough, Moses,” said Jesus. “But you know, I’ve seen Arnold Palmer make this shot, and if Arnold Palmer can do it, then so can I.”
Once again, Jesus’ ball was in the water. Jesus proceeded to walk upon the water to get it.
Another group of golfers came up behind Moses and saw Jesus walking on the water. “Holy Cow!” one of them said to Moses. “Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?”
“No,” said Moses, rolling his eyes, “He thinks he’s Arnold Palmer.”
Hey god, what’s a million years to you?
A MILLION YEARS IS NOTHING TO ME, A TRILLION YEARS IS BUT A SECOND.
Okay, you don’t have to shout. Hey god, what’s a million dollars to you?
A MILLION DOLLARS IS NOTHING TO ME, A TRILLION DOLLARS IS BUT A PENNY.
Jeeze, again with the shouting. Hey god, could you give me a penny?
SURE, JUST GIVE ME A SECOND.
A minister who loved golf had given it up for Lent. One day, he was driving past a course with his clubs in the trunk, and the temptation proved too much.
“I’ll just drive a couple off the tee”, the minister told himself. “That isn’t really golfing.” But his drives were straight and soon he was heading to the fourth hole.
There happened to be an angel patrolling the links, who reported the minister to God.
“What should I do boss?”, asked the angel. “Want me to hit him with a lightning bolt? Or crash a tree on him?”
“No”, replied God. “I have something better lined up for him. Watch this next hole.”
At the next hole, the minister hit the ball. It went all the way down the fairway, and rolled into the cup.
“Huh?”, said the puzzled angel. “What kind of punishment is that, boss? A 400-foot hole in one?”
“Yes, that’s his punishment”, said God. “The greatest golf shot in history. And he can’t tell anyone about it”.
Jesus was walking down the road in Galilee when he came across a mob that was just about to stone an adulterous woman. He said, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” Then he bent down and began to draw idly in the sand.
The mob, embarrassed and looking guilty, gradually drifted away, a few at a time. Finally just one person remained.
Jesus looked up, saw who it was and said [use a warning voice], “Mom…”
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi are walking into a bar, when a nun stops them.
“You should be ashamed, men of god drinking.”
“Sister,” the priest said, “have you ever tried a drink?”
“Certainly not!”
“How can you condemn what you haven’t tried?” the rabbi said.
“We’ll get you a drink,” the minister said, “then if you still want to condemn drinking, at least you’ll have experienced it.”
“Alright, but put it in a teacup, I don’t want to be seen drinking.”
So the priest, the minister, and the rabbi walk into the bar, order three beers.
“And a Drambuie,” the priest said, “and if you could put that in a teacup.”
Bartender says, “Is that bleeding nun out there again?”
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister were out fishing together
“We should all confess our sins,” the priest suggests. “Give it a shot and see how it feels.”
The three agree, and the Catholic goes goes first. “I’m an alcoholic. I drink till I black out every night.”
“I love watching naked women on the internet,” the rabbi confesses. “I just can’t seem to stop.”
The minister starts cracking up laughing, and the other two ask him what’s so funny.
“Well my sin is I love to gossip,” the minister said, “and I can’t wait till we get back to shore.”
For many years, two nuns made a pilgrimage every May to Rome to see the Pope and to visit the Vatican Museum. They rented bicycles and loved riding all around the ancient city.
One time, however, they stayed out too late. It got dark and they found themselves riding down a narrow, spooky street in what they could see was not the best neighborhood.
“Sister,” one said, a little worried, “I’ve never come this way before.”
“Yes, I know,” said the other, smiling. “It’s the cobblestones.”