A priest, a minister, and a rabbi

Thread Games
41

“Oh great guru, I have come to you seeking the perfect high.”

“You come to a guru seeking the perfect high? Fifty years on this mountain, the first time I ever hear this question. But I tell you, the perfect high is within you. Strive to live in harmony with nature and with your fellow man, and try to achieve something, doesn’t have to be anything great, maybe a painting or a piece of music, something created from your soul. That, my son, will get you the high you are seeking.”

“Look, old man, I didn’t spend all this time climbing this damn mountain to hear this bullshit. Now you tell me how to get the perfect high, or I’ll throw you off this goddamn mountain.”

“Alright, I’ll tell you how to get the perfect high. Climb back down the mountain, follow the river fifty miles east, not one foot more, not one inch less. There you will see a tree with red leaves and purple blossoms. It produces fruit once every fifty years, and lucky you, this is a year that it produces fruit. You take the fruit from the tree, lay it on the ground, let it dry in the sun for three days. Eat it in two days, you’ll die, eat it in four, you’ll just get the shits, but if you eat the fruit on the third day, that will get you the perfect high.”

So the guy climbs back down the mountain and does as the guru instructed. Guru looks to the sky.

“So I lied. What could I do, he wouldn’t accept the truth.”

42

A priest, a minister and a rabbi die and go to Heaven. God asks the prist “When you were on earth, did you maintain your vows of celibacy?”

The priest says “No, I had a little trouble in that area. I was with all sorts of women, and even men, before I became a priest. And even after I joined the priesthood, I still had trouble with that idea. It was like an illness with me.”

God says “That’s not very good. But I understand. Look, here’s a pair of roller skates to get around heaven.”

The he asks the minister “When you were married, were you faithful to your wife?”

The minister answers “Well, most of the time. A few times, I couldn’t resist temptation. But I was better at it than that first guy.”

God says "Well, that’s still not so good. But here’s a nice 10 speed bike to get around heaven.

Then he asks the rabbi “When you were on earth, were you faithful to your wife?”

Rabbi says "Are you kidding? Before I was married, I was never even tempted by another woman. And I was faithful during my marriage. And since my wife died, I haven’t even looked at another woman.

God says “That is wonderful. You get a chauffeur driven limousine to get around heaven.”

The next day the priest and the minister see the limo parked, and the rabbi is sitting beside it, crying his eyes out." They ask him why, and he replies “I spent all day yesterday looking for my wife in heaven. I finally say her his morning and she’s…she’s…she’s on a skateboard.”

43

A priest and a rabbi are walking in a park when they come across a young boy. The priest winks at the rabbi and says “Hey, let’s take him behind those bushes and screw him.” The rabbi replies “Out of what?”

44

“So Charlie, I hear you and Clancy were in Chicago.”
“That’s right, Mikey, and we just got back.”
“Did you have a good time?”
“I did. Clancy, not so much. He’s on crutches, you know.”
“What did you do in Chicago?”
“First thing we did, we went to the Museum of Science and Industry.”
“How was it?”
“I thought it was great, but there were parts of it that were accessible only by stair, and Clancy can’t use the stairs with his crutches.”
“Right. So what did you do next?”
“Well, I took the train downtown, to the Loop. The elevator in the train station was busted, so Clancy had to stay behind and find some other things to do. He can’t walk without his crutches, or climb stairs.”
“Right. So what else did you do?”
“Well, there was one of those religious tent shows, so we checked that out, just for a laugh. The guy on stage sees Clancy with his crutches and has him brought on stage. He says, ‘Throw away your left crutch.’ So Clancy does. Then the guy says, ‘Throw away your right crutch.’ So Clancy does. They then did some healing mumbo jumbo.”
“Then what happened?”
“Clancy fell on his face. I told you, he can’t walk without his crutches.”

45

A rabbi, a minister, a priest and his young assistant are killed in a plane crash, and stand before St. Peter trying to get into heaven. Peter asks the rabbi “Did you lead a good life on earth?”

Rabi answers “Yes, I was a religious leader who helped thousands of people.”
Peter says “Are you kidding me? You were the epitome of the stereotypical money grabbing Jew. You misappropriated your temple’s funds, got paid for work you did not due, and made sure you got kickbacks from every contractor your temple used. Why, you were so in love with money you married a rich woman you did not love, got control of all her money, and forced her to live in utter poverty. She is now back in charge of the funds and is spending them lasciviously. Yes, you were so love in money you married a woman named “Penny.” You can go down that road that leads straight to hell.” So the rabbi goes straight to hell.

St. Peter asks the minister “Did you lead a good life on earth?”
The minister says “Yes, I did.”
Peter says “What? You were nothing but a drunk. You missed many a Sunday service because you were hung over. You stole the sacrificial wine, despite for a drink. You cussed out anyone who tried to encourage you to get help for your alcohol problem. You married a woman you did not love because her father owned a bunch of liquor stores. You drank so much you couldn’t be nice to her or even stand up on her birthdays. You loved liquor so much you married a woman named Sherry. You can go down that road that leads straight to hell.” So the minister goes straight to hell.

The priest looks at his young assistant, turns down and starts walking down the road to hell, saying “Let’s go, Dick.” He replies “Okay.”

46

Jesus and Moses were playing golf. On the 5th hole, Jesus’s shot came short and his ball fell into the pond.

“Hey Moses,” said Jesus. “Can you part the waters so I can get my ball back?”

Moses gestures, the waters of the pond part, and Jesus walks to where his ball is and knocks it out.

Later, at the 13th hole, Moses’s shot lands in the pond before the putting green.

“Hey Jesus,” says Moses. “Can you walk on the water and get my ball back?”

Jesus takes a few steps, then plunges into the pond. He swims back out, spitting water and wiping off algae scum.

Moses laughs, “I thought you could walk on water!”

Jesus replies, “that was before I got these holes in my feet.”

47

n/m

48

Three neighboring places of worship were all on fire.
The priest ran into his church, and rescued the Host.
The rabbi ran into his synagogue, and rescued the Torah.
The Unitarian minister ran into his church, and rescued the coffee urn.

49

A plane crashed in the desert. The survivors were a French Catholic priest, a German Lutheran minister, and a Ashkenazic Jewish rabbi from Lithuania.

They walked for over a day, and came to a small town. It was night, and only the tavern was open.

The priest staggered in, and gasped, “I’m tired, I’m thirsty, I must have your finest wine!”

The Lutheran minister staggered in and gasped “I’m tired, I’m thirsty, I must have your best beer!”

The Litvak rabbi staggered in, and gasped “I’m tired, I’m thirsty. I must have diabetes!”

50

RivkahChaya, the version I heard goes more or less like this:

The Baptist minister staggers out of the desert and calls for ‘Water! Water!’

The priest staggers out of the desert and calls out ‘Wine! Wine!’

The rabbi makes it out of the desert and gasps out ‘Seltzer! Seltzer!’

51

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi are in a bar. Their conversation eventually get around to the weekly collection and how they determine how much of that money goes to the church or synagogue and how much they keep for themselves.

The priest said, “I draw a line on the ground and throw the funds in the air. What falls to one side of the line is God’s. What falls on the other side is mine.”

The minister says, “I do sort of the same, but I draw a circle. What falls inside the circle is God’s; what lands outside is mine.”

The rabbi says, “I throw the money into the air, too. What God wants, he takes. What falls to the ground is mine.”

-“BB”-

52

A Rabbi, a Priest, and a Minister walk into a bar. The bartender picks up his phone and calls the cartoon editor of the New Yorker. He asks the editor: “Got a few minutes to kill?”

53

A Priest, a Minister and a rabbit walk into a bar. The bartender looks at the rabbit and asks “What are you doing in this joke?” The rabbit shrugs, says “auto-correct”.

54

Post #3

55

I guess I missed it because I was upset that someone else had already used the one with the “should we tell him where the rocks are” punchline. Maybe this one will be better.

Rabbi Nussbaum’s son came up to him one day and said, “Father, after much reflection and thought I find that I cannot continue to follow the Jewish faith. Therefore, instead of having my bar mitzvah next month, I have decided to go see Father O’Malley and be baptized instead.”

Distraught, the rabbi went into the temple. Prostrating himself before the case containing the Torah, he began to lament, “Adonai, what am I to do? My only son, my first-born, has rejected our traditions and culture. Oy, gevalt ist mir, he is putting it all aside to become a Christian!”

The sky darkened and thunder rolled, and then a deep, sonorous voice came down from on high.

"What, yours too?"

-“BB”-