Funny, and Not Terribly Offensive, Religious Jokes

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

#1
Jesus is out & about going about His preaching, teaching and healing and whatnot, and He winds up needing a new robe. So He heads into Jerusalem and stops by Finklestein’s Haberdashery. Finklestein sets Him up with a new robe that fits perfectly and feels great! When Jesus goes to pay the bill, Finklestein tells Him, "I’ll waive the charge if you help me out. Whenever you preach a sermon, perform a miracle, or do anything that attracts a crowd, be sure to mention Finkelstein’s Haberdashery when you do it. Jesus says, “Sounds great! I’ll do it.”

Well, a year goes by and Jesus takes great care to mention Finklestein’s Haberdashery every time He gets a crowd. Well, after a year Jesus needs another robe, so he heads to Jerusalem to visit His old buddy Finkelstein. When He gets to the shop, Jesus notices that there’s a line around the corner! Jesus makes His way in and asks Finkelstein what’s up. Finkelstein says, “Your advertising has sent my business through the roof! I’m doing so well, I want to thank you. Let’s go into business together!”

Jesus says, “Sounds great! Let’s call it Jesus & Finkelstein’s.”

Finkelstein says, “No way. It’s Finkelstein’s & Jesus’!”

Jesus retorts, “I’m the Son of God. I say it’s Jesus & Finkelstein’s!”

Finkelstein responds, “This was my shop to begin with. It’s Finkelstein’s & Jesus’!”

They continue in this vein for several minutes, until they decide to reach a compromise. So the next day the shop re-opens as… Lord & Tailor.

#2
A black guy and a white guy are driving in their car, having and arguement. “Jesus was a white man,” says the white guy. “No, Jesus was a black man,” says the black guy. “He was white!” says the white guy. “No, He was black!” says the black guy.

Their arguement gets so heated that the driver stops paying attention, runs a red light, and BAM!!!… he gets run over by a truck.

The next thing the boys know, they’re standing at The Pearly Gates. St. Peter appears before them and welcomes them in, saying, “Are you ready to meet the Lord Jesus?” They respond in the affirmative, and St. Peter says, “Wait here, I’ll go get Him.” One guy then whispers to the other, “I guess we’re going to find who’s right, huh?”

Instantly a cloud of smoke appears before them, followed by blinding light and a crescendo of trumpets. Their eyes blinded by the light and the smoke, they can only see the outline of the Lord Jesus in the shadows. He appears before them, extends His arms and says… “¡Buenos Días, Amigos!”

#3
An old baptist preacher and a young Presbyterian preacher are the only two preachers in a small town. They’re the best of friends, and they meet every Monday morning at the coffee shop to talk and pray. The OB (old Baptist) drives his car; the YP (young Presbyterian) always rides his beloved bicycle.

One Monday morning, the OB notices that YP has walked to the coffee shop.

OB: Son, where is your bicycle?
YP: I believe a member of my congregation has stolen my bicycle.

The OB is furious, and says, “Son, here’s what you gotta do. On Sunday morning, I want you to get up behind that pulpit, and I want you to preach like you ain’t never preached before. That congregation- I want them to feel the fire, to smell the brimstone, and to experience the almighty power of GOD!!! And I want you to preach on every one of them Ten Commandments, and when you get to THOU SHALT NOT STEAL, that theif will feel the conviction of the Holy Spirit, and shall return your bicycle unto you.”

The YP is thrilled, and says, “That’s just what I’ll do, sir.”

Monday morning comes, and the YP shows up at the coffee shop, once again riding his beloved bicycle.

OB: I notice you have your bicycle.
YP: Yes, sir.
OB: Did you do like I told you?
YP: Yes sir, I did.
OB: Tell me what happened, son.
YP: Well, sir, I did just as you said. I got up behind that pulpit, and I preached like I ain’t never preached before. That congregation- they felt the fire, they smelled the brimstone, they experienced the almighty power of GOD!!! And I preached on every one of them Ten Commandments, and when I got to THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY, I remembered where I left my bicycle.

2

Jesus is dying on the cross. As he hangs there, his disciples are being held back by Roman centurians, Jesus says weakly…“Peter, Peter…”

Peter says " My Lord needs me!" and tries to fight his way through the centurians but is beaten back. A few minutes later, he hears “Peter, Peter…” again and actually manages to fight his way to the foot of the cross, but again he is beaten back. Bruised and bleeding, he hears the call again…“Peter, Peter…” He determidly fights and kicks his way to the cross, and starts to climb the ladder next to it. As the centurians close in, blood in their eyes, he says “Yes, my Lord?” and Jesus says " Peter…Peter…I can see your house from up here…"
[sub] Oh, I am SO going to hell…[/sub]

3

Jesus, a rabbi and a hobo all go out to a bar…
Oh wait, not terribly offensive jokes… sorry.

4

I hope these aren’t terribly offensive…

Jesus and Moses decide to take a little time off and head down to earth to play a little golf. Their pair up with another couple of guys and they all tee off.

Jesus hits his tee shot right into the water but declines to hit another ball. When he gets to the hazard he simply walks out onto the water and hits his ball clear to the pin.

The mortals are simply astounded. One turns to Moses and asks, “Who does he think he is, Jesus?”

Moses replies, “He knows WHO he is, sometimes he just thinks he’s Jack Nicklaus.”

A black man is standing at the pearly gates, St. Peter says “we don’t take your kind here”. The man is shocked and says. “What do you mean? I’m, a good man…”

St. Peter says, “I’m sorry, we just don’t take your kind because you’re… well… black.”

The man looks over St Peter’s shoulder to see a black angel flying through the clouds and points this out to St. Peter who explains “That’s different, that is Martin Luther King. He did exceptional things for his people and for God and died a martyr”.

The man says “I have done great things for my people, I’m a martyr too!”

“How is that?” asks Peter.

“Well, I once screwed a white chick under the table at a meeting of the Ku Klux Klan” the man replies proudly.

Peter is amazed, “I’ll tell the Lord this right away, I’m sure he will make an exception in your case. I’ll need a few details… when did you do this?”

The man looks at his watch and replies “About five minutes ago”.

A monk travels from the monastery into the city after many years of seclusion. He walks through a seedy area of the city and is puzzled by the number of women who keep saying “Blowjob… ten dollars”.
He returns to the monastery and goes to the priest asking, “What’s a blowjob and why do they cost ten dollars?”.
The priest replies “Because we get a discount”.

5

There was a Jewish man, who had only one son. He did everything he could to train him in his faith and teach him well. When his son was 21, he sent him on a trip to see the Holy Land.

His son came back, and he said to his father, “Dad, I’m not sure how to tell you this, but while I was in the Holy Land, I… I… I became a Christian.”

Well, the man went to his rabbi to discuss the situation, and ask how something like this could have happened to him, when he did everything right, and tried to teach his son everything. The rabbi said, “Well, you know, it’s funny that you should say that, because I had almost the same experience. I had a son, and I taught him about our faith, and I sent him to the Holy Land, and when he returned, he too had become a Christian.”

So they decided to pray together, and seek guidance from God about the source of their suffering. They asked Him, “God, how could this happen to us? We brought up our sons as well as we could, and we sent them to your Holy Land, and when they came home, they had become Christians!”

And God spoke to them. He said, “You know, it’s funny that you should say that…”

6

A class at a Catholic school is having a discussion about how people go to heaven. One student raises her hand and says “You go head first, because your head’s always pointed toward God.” The teacher says “Good” and calls on another student who says “You go heart first because that’s where your emotions are.”

Again, the teacher says “Good” and calls on a little boy who says “No, you go legs first!”

“Why?” asked the teacher.

"Because once I saw my mom naked on her bed with her legs in the air saying “Oh God, I’m coming, I’m coming!”

(Okay, that may have been a little offensive, but oh well :smiley: )

7

God and the Archangel Gabriel are discussing vacation plans, since God hasn’t been for a while.

AG: How about Mercury?
G: Too hot! What are you trying to do, make me roast to death?!
AG: I hear Jupiter is nice this time of year.
G: No, not Jupiter. Last time I was there, I got lost and it took years to get back cuz it’s such a huge planet.
AG: There’s always Earth. You haven’t been there in a long time.
G: HELL NO! I was there 2,000 years ago and they’re still accusing me of knocking up some Jewish chick!

Robin

8

Two guys are talking. First one says, “How’s your son doing? Has he found a job yet?”

Second guy says, “No. But he has taken up meditating.”

First guy says, “Oh, good, at least he’s not sitting around doing nothing.”

                   ::rimshot::
9

Q: Why couldn’t Buddha vacuum his sofa?

A: Because he didn’t have any attachments.

10

Why don’t Baptists have sex standing up?

They’re afraid it could lead to dancing.

11

Two men have been life long friends. They grew up in the same street, went to the same school, went to the same school, and even played on the same little league team when they were young.

And one day they were wondering what heaven would be like, and if they’d have baseball up there. Well they decide to make a pact that who ever died first would come back and tell the other one what it was like in heaven.

After work one day, one of the men is sruck by a drunk driver and killed instantly. Sure enough he goes to heaven.

Well the man was buried and his friend went home started to cry then heard his friends voice “do you remember the deal we had” stunned for a second the man says “is that really you?,…yes yes I remember” then his friend responds by saying “well heaven is greater than anyone had ever thought, there isn’t even words to describe it and yes they do have baseball up here too…and hay I have some news for you…some good some not so good”

“well what is it” he studders

“well God said you too were going to be able to come to heaven, he said you could even be on my baseball team”

“well then what is the bad news???” he questions

“Well see your kinda scheduled to pitch tomorrow”

12

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would be permitted to stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.

The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, could not speak Latin and the Pope could not speak Yiddish. So it was decided that this would be a “silent” debate.

On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and said, “I concede the debate. This man has bested me. The Jews can stay.”

Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking him what had happened.

The Pope said, “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?”

Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi Moishe, asking what happened.

“Well,” said Moishe, "first he said to me, ‘You Jews have three days to get out of here.’

So I said to him, ‘Up yours’.

Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews.
So I said to him, 'Listen here Mr. Pope, the Jews … we stay right here!"

“And then?” asked a woman.

“Who knows?” said Rabbi Moishe. “We broke for lunch.”

13

A rabbi, a nun, and a duck walk into a bar, and the bartender says, “What is this? Some kind of a joke?”

rimshot

14

A righteous man was approached by God. God said “I am going to send a flood in three days. Noah’s building an ark, and he doesn’t have room for you, but you are a good man and I will save you.”

The rain started and the man waited for God to save him. As the rain reached the man’s knees, a boat came by. “Get in the boat, you’re going to drown!” yelled the boatmen. “Nope. God said He would save me. I’ll just wait,” said the righteous man.

The rain reached the man’s waist, and a second boat came by. “Get in, you’re going to drown!” said the boatmen. “I won’t drown,” said the righteous man. “God said He would save me.”

The rain reached the man’s neck and a third boat came by. “You’re going to drown! Get in!” said the boatmen. “I’m fine! God said I would be saved. I trust Him!” said the righteous man.

The water closed over the man’s head and he drowned. He found himself standing before God at the pearly gates.

“God, You said You would save me! I trusted You, and I drowned!” said the righteous man.

And God said, “I sent THREE boats, you nitwit.”

(The Moral: God helps those who help themselves…)

15

It seems that historical religious leaders (between moments of dispensing wisdom) had also learned software programming.

One day, a great contest was held to test their skills. After days and days of fierce competition, only two leaders remained for the last day’s event: Jesus and Mohammed.

The judge described the software application required for the final test, and gave the signal to start writing code.

The two contestants feverishly typed away on their keyboards. Routines, classes, applets and applications flew on their screens at incredible speeds. Windows, dialogs, and other intricate graphics began forming on their monitors. The clock showed that the contest would soon be finished.

Suddenly, a bolt of lightening flashed and the power went out.

After a moment it came back on - just in time for the clock to indicate that the last competition was over.

The judge asked the two contestants to reveal their finished software. Mohammed angrily said that he’d lost it all in the power outage. The judge turned to the other competitor. Jesus smiled, clicked a mouse and a dazzling application appeared on his screen.

After just a few moments, the judge was clearly impressed and declared Jesus the victor.

When asked why the decision was made, the judge pointed out the unique characteristic that set the winner apart from all the other leaders:

Jesus saves.

16

My favorite Irish Catholic joke
She was 90 years old when she passed away.

When Mary O’Reilly meets St Peter at the Gates, he is happy beyond belief to greet here.

“Mary, it’s so good to finally see you! You were a saint on earth…if only all of God’s people were as you…Is there anything I can do for you?”

Mary answered…“Yes St. Peter, I’ve always had a strong devotion to the Blessed Mother…may I havea meeting with Mary?”

Peter replies “Why of course…I’ll set it up for later in one of the gardens”

Later…Mary O’Reilly meets the Blessed Mother, face to face in one of the gardens…she is happy beyond belief. The Blessed Mother is happy as well…“Mary O’Reilly, it’s so good to finally see you…what saint you have been…is there anything I can do for you?”

Mary O’Reilly responds…“Yes, Blessed Mother…I’ve always had a question in the back of mind…in all the painting and statues I’ve seen of you…you always have a serious look on your face. Why are you never smiling in any of the paintings and statues?”

The Blessed Mother slowly looks left…slowly looks right…turns around to the back…then faces forward and leans in close to Mary O’Reilly’s ear and whispers…

“I really wanted a daughter” :smiley:

17

A Zen monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says “make me one with everything” ::rimshot::

He hands the vendor a $20 dollar bill. The vendor keeps it. The monk asks “where is my change?” The vendor replies “change must come from within!”

18

So this woman’s dog dies, and she wants to have a religious memorial service performed for him. She goes to her minister about it, and he turns her down, saying he won’t perform a ceremony for a dog.

So she goes to her neighbor’s rabbi, and tells him she wants to have a religious memorial service for her dog. He turns her down.

Every cleric she goes to turns down her request. One day she goes to the local catholic church to talk to the priest.

“I want a memorial service for my dog,” she says.

“I’m sorry, we just don’t perform ceremonies for dogs,” replies the priest.

The woman starts to sob. “All I want is a nice little memorial service for my dog, and no one will perform it. I have $2,000 set aside to pay for the ceremony.”

And the priest says,“Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic?!”

19

jesus saves, but only budda makes incremental backups! :smiley:

20

Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing golf. At the first tee, Moses hits his ball into a water trap. He lifts his arms, the waters part, he walks to his ball and hits it onto the green.

At the second hole, Jesus hits his ball onto a lily pad in a pond. He walks across the water and swings, landing the ball a few feet from the cup.

A few holes later, the old man hits his ball into a river bordering the course. A salmon snaps at the ball. An osprey drops into the water and catches the salmon, then flies over the green, where the salmon drops the ball for a hole-in-one.

Moses says to Jesus, “You know that I hate playing golf with your dad.”