Funny, and Not Terribly Offensive, Religious Jokes

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

The Pope has been out on a speaking gig one evening, and is being driven back to the Vatican in his limosine. Being that it’s late and nobody is around, the Pope leans over the front seat and says to his driver, “Hey, could I drive the car? Just this one time? They never let me drive.”

The driver thinks about it for a moment, and says OK. So he pulls over, and they switch places.

The Pope pulls out on the road, and is really having fun. He starts going faster and faster, and swerving around, really having a great time. But then he passes a police car, and they give chase.

After pulling over the limo, the policeman walks up to the driver’s window. When it rolls down he is astonished to see the Pope behind the wheel. The policeman goes back to his car and says to his partner, “I don’t think we should give them a ticket. There’s someone REALLY important in that limo.”

“Who is it, a rock star?”

“No. More important than that.”

“Is it a politician? The president?”

“No. More important than THAT.”

“Well, who is it then?”

“I’m not sure. But whoever it is, the Pope’s driving him!”

Thank you, thank you. I’ll be here all week…

22

Jesus Saves.

Moses Invests.

23

So Jesus is walkin’ around in Heaven saying hello to everyone first thing in the morning. Everybody is happy, and singing, and hugging each other, but as he walks down one street, he sees a man sitting on the curb crying. Crying so hard he can’t even really speak. So Jesus goes up to him and says “Hey, what’s the matter?”

The man keeps crying.

Jesus says “Hey, tell me what’s wrong, we can fix it for you.”

The man keeps sobbing, not even looking up, but he says, “Well, sir, I’m just really upset. I thought when I got to Heaven that I would see everyone I knew here. And I can’t find my son.”

Jesus says, “Oh, well, let me help you find him then!”

The man says, “Okay, but I’ve looked everywhere. When I was on Earth, I was a simple carpenter, I worked really hard, and I only had one son, and then he left and I never saw him again. I miss my son so much!”

Jesus gasps and says “Daddy!”

The man leaps up and hugs him. “Oh, my Pinocchio!”

24

The priest and the rabbi were each known for their piety and learning; they were also good friends. One day, they were talking about the demands their respective faiths put on them.

“Rabbi,” said the priest, “your piety is well known. But have you ever slipped up and broken the Law of your people?” The rabbi blushed, and said “I admit it, Father–one day, I was a bit peckish, and there was nothing else around to eat, and I…I ate a ham sandwich.”

There was a silence for a moment. Then the rabbi asked, “And what about you, Father? Have you ever violated the vows you took as a priest?” And the priest blushed, and said “Yes, rabbi, when I was younger…well…there was this one young widow in my former congregation…”

There was another silence. Then the rabbi said “It’s better than ham, isn’t it?”

25

After years of hatred, fighting, and terrorism, a peace accord is finally reached in Northern Ireland. On the first anniversary of this historic occasion, an enormous celebration is held in Belfast, and the Queen of Enlgand and the Pope both agree to attend. They appear together at an outdoor celebration, with thousands in attendance.

“Believe it or not”, the Queen says, “I can make every Protestant in this crowd break into wild cheering and applause with a simple hand gesture.”

“I don’t believe it”, the Pope responds.

So the Queen waves to the crowd, and, as she predicted, thousands of Protestants start cheering.

Then the Pope turns to the Queen and says, “believe it or not, I can make every Catholic in this crowd break it wild cheering and applause with a simple hand gesture.”

“I don’t believe it”, the Queen responds.

So the Pope slaps her.

26

This guy is worried about his layabout son who, despite graduating from school, has never gone to college or got a job. He confides in his friend, worried that his son will never make anything of himself.

“Don’t worry,” says the friend, “Try this trick - leave a Bible, a bottle of whisky, and a $50 bill on the table in the living room. Hide yourself where he can’t see you, and see what he does. If he takes the money, he will go into finance. If he takes the Bible, he will become a minister, and if he takes the whisky, I’m afraid he will become a drunk.”

“Brilliant,” says the father.

The next day he is back. “I don’t understand it! I did what you said, but when my son came in he picked up the $50, phoned a bet in to his bookie, picked up the Bible and sat down to read it whilst drinking the whisky! What does it mean?”

“Ah, that’s easy,” replied the friend. “He’s going to be a priest.”

27

One Sunday, a young girl stays back after the church service, and says to the Catholic priest, “Father, I have a question. What is the Church’s attitude towards fellatio?”

“I would love to help you,” says the priest, “but unfortunately I don’t know what fellatio is.”

So she showed him.

The following Sunday after church, another pretty young girl asked the priest, “Father, what is the Church’s attitude towards fellatio?”

And he replied…

“I would love to help you, but unfortunately I don’t know what fellatio is.”

28

A burglar enters a beautiful mansion with the intention of robbing it. As he is cleaning jewelry out of the master bedroom, he hears a voice in the distance, “Jesus is watching you,” it says. He pauses, decides it was probably is imagination, and moves on to the living room.

There, he starts disassembling the very nice stereo and entertainment system. He again hears the voice, but louder this time, “Jesus is watching you.”

He finally moves to the kitchen to steal the silver. This time, he hears the voice loudly off to his left side. “Jesus is watching you.” He swings his flashlight around to find a parrot.

“Who the hell are you?” Asks the robber.

“I’m Moses,” said the parrot.

“And what kind of nutcase names a parrot Moses?”

“I dunno,” said the parrot, “the same kind of nutcase who names a rotweiller Jesus.”

29

That’s it. YOu are soooo hellbound for that one.

:stuck_out_tongue:
The Pope came to visit England and he and the Queen were standing on the balcony of Buckingham? (the one where all the Royal wedding guests wave from?) and the Queen says out of the corner of her mouth-“I bet you a tenner I can make all the English people in the crowd go wild with just one wave of my hand.”
And the Pope goes, “No way, it can’t be done!” So the Queen waves her hand, and all the English people go nuts, cheering and waving their little plastic Union jacks. And the Queen grins at the Pope, who’s thinking, Man, I never believed she could do it…and then he gets an idea.

“Your Majesty, I bet you a tenner that with just one nod of my head, I can get all the Irish people in the crowd to go wild-and not just for now, but for the whole day, and maybe even weeks and months to come.”

And the Queen says, “No way-it can’t be done!”

So the Pope headbutts her.

30

Two nuns walk into a bar.

You’d think the second one would have ducked.

ba-dum-bum :smiley:

31

Three nurses are killed, and end up at the pearly gates.

St. Peter asks the first one, “So, what did you do to make the world a better place?”

“I worked in a hospice, and just tried to be loving and understanding.”

St. Peter says, “Oh! Come in, come in!”

Then the second one comes up. “I worked in rehab, and made my best effort to keep upbeat.”

St. Peter says, “Oh! Come in, come in!”

Then the third one comes up. “I worked in an HMO. I did my best to make sure the patients didn’t get anything that wasn’t necessary, since our health care system is so overtaxed.”

St Peter looks at his records, frowns, but finally gives in. “OK, OK, we’ll let you in. But you can only stay for two days.”

[sub]Oh, and fill out all these forms, first.[/sub]

32

2nd favorite Catholic joke

A priest, Baptist minister and Lutheran minister were discussing the way they managed their funds

The Baptist minister said, after the collection…I draw a circle on the floor…and throw the money from the collection in the air. Whatever lands outside the circle…I figure goes for the Lord’s work. Whatever lands inside the circle is what i use for my living expenses.

The Lutheran minister says that he does a similar thing. Except that what lands INSIDE the circle goes toward the Lord.

Fr. Murphy chimes in “I do something a bit different lads…ya see I put all the money in one large collection basket…and toss all the contents towards the heavens. I figure what the good Lord wants, he’ll grab it in the air” :smiley:

33

I have a tragic story. A Jehovah’s Witness got turned into a vampire. He starved to death.

34

Two nuns are riding along on their bicycles. One says to the other, “I’ve never come this way before!”

The other nun replies, “Oh, that’ll be the cobblestones!”

35

and to you thats NON-offensive, kirk?

wasn’t that in the “jokes you know you are going to hell for” thread?

36

Four old ladies are playing bridge in a Catholic retirement home.

The first woman says, “My son is a priest. When people greet him, they say, ‘Father’”.

The second woman goes, “My son is a bishop. When people greet him, they say, ‘Your Excellency’”.

The third woman says, “Well my son is a cardinal. When people greet him, they say, ‘Your Eminence’”.

The fourth woman sits up proud and says, “My son is a six-foot-four hardbodied male stripper with a 10-inch penis. When people see him, they say, ‘Oh, my God!’”.

37

A Jew, a Catholic, and a Buddhist all die and go to heaven. They wait at the Pearly Gates for their turn with St. Peter.

The Jewish man steps up first. St. Peter checks the book, and then tells him, “You’ll be in Room 21–but be quiet passing Room 7.” Then he admits him.

The Catholic woman steps up second. St. Peter checks the book and then tells her, “You’ll be in Room 14–but be quiet passing Room 7.”

The Buddhist man steps up. St. Peter checks the book and then tells him, “You’ll be in Room 8–but be quiet passing Room 7.”

The Buddhist starts in, but turns back to ask a question. “St. Peter, why must I be quiet passing Room 7?”

St. Peter smiles and replies, “That’s the Southern Baptists’ room, and they think they’re the only ones here.”

38

A Baptist minister, a Catholic priest and an Episcopal priest are returning from their weekly golf game together when they see a huge smoke cloud coming from the city block where their churches are located. As they drive up they see that all three of their churches are on fire and they all dash into their respective buildings. Minutes later, the Baptist stumbles out of his church cradling his church’s sanctuary bible. Moments later, the Catholic priest emerges from his church with the Blessed Sacrament in his arms. They turn together to look at the Episcopal church but the front doors remain closed as the building becomes more and more engulfed in flames. About the time it looks as if no one could possibly escape from the flames alive, the door of the church finally bursts open and the Episcopal priest emerges, balancing the church’s Xerox machine on his back.

39

One day, Jesus and Moses were out fishing. They got to talking about the old days, and how they missed them.

“I just get burned that when I’m out and about these days, people just look right past some old guy,” Moses is complaining.

“That shouldn’t matter,” Jesus points out. “You’re still you.”

That cheers Moses up, and he leaps to his feet from where he’s sitting on the pier. “That’s right, I am! And even if they don’t realize it, I’ve still got what it takes, just like the old days!” He flings his arms open wide, the waters of the lake part, and he strolls to the other side and back before they crash back on each other.

“I get a little bummed out like that, too,” Jesus admits, “but I’ve still got what it takes, too. I also have this comeback tour to get in practice for.” He waits for the surface of the lake to calm back down again, then begins walking across the surface of the water. Something’s wrong, though, with each step, he sinks a little bit until he’s in up to his waist and flounders awkwardly back to shore, his face red.

Moses helps him out, and asks “Whoa, what happened, man? You used to walk across water all the time?”

“Yeah, well, I didn’t have these damn holes in my feet back then!”

40

Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three – one to change it, one to not-change it and one to both change- and not-change it.
or
A: None, they are the light bulb.
or
A: Tree falling in the forest.
Q: Why are there so few Buddhist rhythm and blues bands?
A: Because Buddhists don’t have any soul.