Funny, and Not Terribly Offensive, Religious Jokes

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

Not really the Gospel of John, Chapter 8:

[sup]3[/sup] And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst, [sup]4[/sup] They say unto him, Master, this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act. [sup]5[/sup] Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou? [sup]6[/sup] This they said, tempting him, that they might have to accuse him. But Jesus stooped down, and with his finger wrote on the ground, as though he heard them not. [sup]7[/sup] So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her. [sup]8[/sup] And there was amongst them an old woman, who took up a stone and cast it, and caught the woman taken in adultery smack between the eyes, [sup]9[/sup] And Jesus said unto the old woman, Oh, Mum! Why do you have to spoil everything?

42

Short but funny, made even funnier because it was told to me by our Methodist preacher.

Q - How do you make Holy water?

A - Boil the hell out of it. {rimshot}

43

An Irishman and a Jew were arguing as to the ethnicity of Jesus.

The Irishman argued that Jesus had to be Irish, because:

  1. He was 30 years old, unmarried, and living with his mother.
  2. His last, dying wish was for a drink.

The Jew argued that Jesus had to be Jewish because:

  1. His mother thought he was God.
  2. He thought his mother was a virgin.
  3. He went to work for his father.
44

A scientist approaches God and says “Look, we’ve been talking down here and we’ve got this thing pretty well covered. We can cure diseases, create human life in test tubes, all that…so we don’t need you anymore.”

God thinks about it, scratches his chin and says, “I’ll tell you what. One last test and then I’ll leave you alone. Let’s both build a man, whoever’s done first gets to stay.”

They shake on it. God picks up a handful of dirt from the road and a second later, the scientist does the same.

“Woah there…” says God. “You get your OWN dirt.”

45

Both of these are actually more effective when told live, but I like them so much I shall share them anyway…

#1 Two European nuns are driving at night through a forest in Transylvania when suddenly there is a great flapping sound and a vampire lands on the hood of their car. He peers through the windshield at them, baring his teeth, and the nuns recoil in horror. The one in the passenger seat cries, “Sister, turn on your windshielf wipers, push him off!” The driving nun does so, but to no avail; the vampire has a firm grip. The passenger nun says, “Before we left the convent I put holy water in the reservoir; use the windshield washer!” The driver nun presses the button, the holy water squirts out, and as it strikes the vampire it sizzles and burns. The vampire hisses and squirms but only snarls at them more menacingly through the windshield, keeping his grip. The passenger nun reaches for her rosary and cries, “Sister, show him your cross!” The driving nun leans out the window and yells, “Get the hell off our car, dammit!”

[I presume I’m now marked for one rung lower in hell]

#2 It’s the day of the crucifixtion and Jesus is carrying his cross toward Golgatha along with the other condemned men. As they make their way through the crowd, Jesus’ beloved disciple Simon Peter runs along the street, keeping Jesus in his sight, and he notices that Jesus’ lips are moving. He thinks, “I must get close to the Lord, I must hear his last words and record them so that I can share them with the faithful.” Several times he tries to break through the crowd to get near enough to hear, but each time the Roman soldiers throw him back. Finally, as Jesus turns a corner in the road, Peter manages to break through and run up to him before the soldiers can stop him. As he leans his head in close he can hear Jesus softly singing, “I love a parade…”

[and now marked for at least one additional rung lower in hell]

[but hoping there will be others there to share jokes with :D]

46

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree. The leaf had been pressed in between pages.

“Momma, look what I found”, the boy called out.

“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy’s voice he answered: “It’s Adam’s suit!!”

A cat dies and goes to heaven.

God meets him at the gate and says, “You have been a good cat all these years. You can have anything you desire, all you have to do is ask.”

“Well,” said the cat, “I lived all my life on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.”

“Say no more,” says God and instantly a fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer he made to the cat.

“All our life,” the mice say, “we’ve had to run. Cats, dogs, women with brooms have chased us. If we had roller skates, we wouldn’t have to run any more.”

God says he can take care of it and, instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

A week later God checks on the cat, which is asleep on its pillow. God gently nudges him awake and asks, “How are you doing? Are you happy here?”

“Never been happier,” says the cat, stretching and yawning. “And those meals on wheels you’ve been sending over are great.”

A new pastor moved into a town, and he went out one day to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came upon this one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally he took out his card, wrote on the back “Revelation 3:20” and stuck it on the back of the door. Revelation 3:20: “Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me.”

Later in the week, as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation “Genesis 3:10.”

Genesis 3:10: “And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked: so I hid myself.”

[Warning: This is the offensive one]

A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear a confession: “Today I enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh. Father Goodwim came to me and told me that I had the gates to Heaven here between my legs. Then he said that he had the key to Heaven, and he put it in the gates.”

“BASTARD!” cried the Mother Superior. “For years he told me it was Gabriel’s trumpet and I have been blowing it.”

47

One of Italy’s master painters was hired to do some restoration and touch-up work on Michaelangelo’s pinatings in the Sistine Chapel. He was on his back on a scaffold, hundreds of feet above the pews. As he looked down, he saw that the church was empty, except for one frail, little old Italian woman, praying quietly in the front row.

The painter was a bit of a practical joker, and decided to have some fun with the old lady, who couldn’t possibly see him. He called down, “Old laaaadyyyy… thees eez Jesus calling youuuuu…”

The old lady never even looked up.

“Well,” thought the painter, “the old lady may be hard of hearing. I’ll try again.” So he called, a bit louder, “Old laaaadyyyy… theese eez Jesus calling youuuu…”

The old lady looked up, glanced around, then went back to her prayers.

The painter decided to give his joke one last chance. Again, he called down, louder still, “Old laaaadyyyyy… theees eez Jesus calling youuuuuuuu…”

At last, the old lady looked up in annoyance, and yelled “Shaddup-a-you face! Ahma talk-a to your MOTHER!!!”

48

A priest had just transferred into a new parish and the local minister and rabbi invited him to go along on a fishing trip. So they drove out to a small lake, loaded up the rowboat and soon are in the center of the lake ready to cast their lines.

“Oh no.” The Rabbi says looking around. “I’ve forgot my bait. I’ll be right back.” He steps over the side of the boat, walks across the water to the shore, and comes back with the bait. The priest is astounded but the minister is unsurprised so he says nothing.

Some time later the sun is high and the minister wants his hat. “Be right back.” The minister steps over the side of the boat, walks across the water to the car and comes back with his hat. The priest is again floored but says nothing.

The sun continues to beat down on them and the rabbi comment he could use a beer from the cooler in the car. The priest, anxious to prove his faith to these two, says “I’ll get them.” He steels himself, steps over the side of the boat and promptly sinks into the water splashing.

The rabbi looks to the minister. “I thought you told him where the stepping stones were.”

49

At Heaven’s Gate, the only requirement to enter is to state God’s name. One day, the first in line is a Jewish man. “God’s name?” implores the Angel. “Yahweh,” says the man and the majestic gates open. Next in line is a Christian. “God’s name?” asked the Angel. “Jesus Christ,” responds the Christian, and is welcomed into Paradise. A Muslim follows. “God’s name?” the Angel asks, to which the faithful Muslim replies “Allah,” and the gates open. Believers of all the worlds’ religions enter Heaven… and then comes Little Johnny.

“God’s name?” asks the Angel. “Howard,” says poor Little Johnny. “Howard?” says the Angel, doing a double-take. “Yeah, Father O’Malley always says, Our father who art in heaven, Howard be thy name.”

===

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in Hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the Demon.

Demon: “Welcome to Hell. You a drinkin’ man?”
Guy: “Sure, I love to drink.”
Demon: “Well, you’re gonna love Mondays then. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer, we drink til we throw up and then we drink some more.”
Guy: “Gee, that sounds great.”
Demon: “You a smoker?”
Guy: “You bet.”
Demon: “All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We smoke our friggin’ lungs out. I bet you like to gamble.”
Guy: “Yes, as a matter of fact I do.”
Demon: “Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. You like to do drugs?”
Guy: “Yes, I love to do drugs. You don’t mean…”
Demon: “That’s right! Thursday is drug day. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it’s okay… you’re already dead!”
Guy: “Woo hoo! I never realized that hell was such a swingin’ place!”
Demon: “You gay?”
Guy: “Uh, no.”
Demon: Oooh, you’re gonna hate Fridays.”

50

There’s a new communion waffer available for overweight Christians. It’s called I Can’t Believe it’s Not Jesus.

51

Feynn,
With all due respect, I prefer this version of the old joke:

The naive young priest is walking through downtown and prostitutes keep saying to him “Blowjob, twenty bucks.”
He’s clueless. When he gets back to the cathedral, the first person he sees is a nun. He asks her “Sister, what’s a blowjob?”
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
She replies: “Twenty bucks, same as downtown.”

52

A man dies and ends up at the Pearly gates. St. Peter looks through his ledger and says" I am sorry, but I am afraid you cannot come in here."
The man answers “Thats all right. I know I was not a very nice person. So how do I get there?”
St. Peter points out the elevator, “Push the down button”
The man enters the elevator and pushes the down button. When the door opens he looks out onto a tropical paradise! Trees, flowers, paths, happy kids… “What the fuck…?” he says.
He goes back to the elevator, pushes the up button and returns to the Pearly Gates. He pushes the down button again… same tropical paradise…
He returns to the Pearly Gates and says to St. Peter “Ummmm I seem to be having some trouble…”
StPeter says"BY GOD, How difficult can it be! All right let me SHOW you how to do it!" He storms off to the elevator. When they are both inside he pushes the down button. The door opens on the same lush, tropical paradise. Trees, flowers, birds singing…
St. Peter looks around in amazement.
Suddenly he roars “GOD DAMMED MORMONS! THEY’LL IRRIGATE ANYTHING!”

line for the lynching starts over there!

53

So, one Sunday, this minister decided to skip church and go hunting.

He was walking down the trail, when he heard this tremendous roar behind him. He whipped around, and saw a humongous grizzly bear trying to grab him.

He turned and ran as fast as he could, tripped over a rock, and fell over the side of the trail into a ravine. When he finally came to rest at the bottom of the ravine, both of his legs were broken and he couldn’t move. He looked up to see the bear slowly descending into the ravine towards him.

The minster started to pray:

“God, I really need your help. I am in big trouble, here. I have tried to live a good life. I am a good minister. I am truly sorry that I skipped church today. Please, God, grant me this one request. Please make the bear a Christian!”

Suddenly, the bear dropped to his knees, clasped his paws together, and said, “Dear Lord Jesus, I thank you for this delicious meal that I am about to eat.”

54

Three nuns die, and they’re standing in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that you have to answer a question correctly to get in. “The better you were in life, the easier the question,” he tells them.

So he says to the first nun, “Sister, you were good faithful and kind, true to your vows, the next thing to a saint. You get an easy question. Who was the first man?”

“Oh, that’s easy! It was Adam!” and trumpets blow, and the gates of heaven open, and in she goes.

Up comes the second nun. “Sister, you had some failings, but they really were quite minor–when you stumbled you always picked yourself back up again. I admire that. You get an easy question, too. Who was the first woman?”

“Oh, that’s easy! It was Eve!” and trumpets blow, and the gates of heaven open, and in she goes.

So it’s down to the third nun. St. Peter frowns. “Sister, I’m sorry to say that you were something of a hellion. Impure thoughts, disobeying your superior–I could go on and on. I’m afraid you’ll have to answer a much harder question than the others. What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?”

“Oh, my God, that’s hard!” and trumpets blow, and the gates of heaven open…

55

toshirodragon that’s one of the funniest things I’ve read in a long time. Woo! I literally laughed out loud. :wink:

56

A man goes to confession and says “Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I used the Lord’s name in vein.”

“Tell me what happened, my son.” Says the priest.

“Well, I was golfing, on a par 5 hole. The first shot off the tee, I shanked it into the woods”

“Is that when you used the Lord’s name in vein?” asked the priest.

“No,” said the man, “because the ball ended up hitting a tree, and bouncing right back on the fairway! My second shot sliced right into a water hazard!”

“Is that when you used the Lord’s name in vein?” asked the priest.

“No,” said the man, “because the ball ended up hitting a turtle, and bouncing right back on the fairway! But my third shot bounced right into the sand trap!”

“Is that when you used the Lord’s name in vein?” asked the priest.

“No,” said the man, "because the ball ended up hitting a rock, and bounced onto the green, one foot from the pin! I was on the green in three!

And the priest says “Don’t tell me you missed the GodDamned putt!?”

E3

57

Okay, here’s one my Catholic friend likes to tell me (Baptist):

There are 3 religious truths:

Jews don’t recognize Christ as the Messiah.
Protestants don’t recognize the infallibility of the Pope.
Baptists don’t recognize each other in the liquor store.

[sub]Well, I don’t find it offensive. Hope no one else does either…[/sub]

58

And the minister said, “What stepping stones?” :smiley:

59

just seven words, iguana, and you double the funny. amazing.

60

I heard this one about Mormons also :smiley: