How many popes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. There’s only one pope.
How many popes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, at least for the next decade. He lives so far in the past that lightbulb jokes won’t catch up to him until then.
Three nuns were walking through a park one day, when a flasher jumped out and exposed himself.
The first nun had a stroke.
The second nun had a stroke.
The third nun couldn’t quite reach…
A Catholic church was across the street from a Jewish synagogue, and there was a friendly rivalry between the congregations. One day, both congregations gave their respective head clergymen brand new Cadillacs. Well, the rabbi and the priest were so amused at the timing of the gifts that they decided to have a race.
The two men climbed into their cars and sped off. Right outside of town, the rabbi gained a slight lead, just before the course turned down a one-lane road toward a narrow bridge. But the bridge had washed out in a recent storm! The rabbi slammed on his brakes, and stopped inches short of where the bridge had once been. The priest, who had been right on the tail of the rabbi, stopped as quickly as he could but slammed into the back end of the rabbi’s car, shoving its front wheels over the brink.
The priest scrambled out and helped the rabbi out of the car and onto the bank, where the two waited for help. Eventually, a police car drove up, and an officer got out to inspect the scene.
The officer looked at the rabbi’s car hanging over the embankment, and then at the priest’s car with its front end crushed in. Then he looked at the rabbi’s car again, took off his hat and scratched his head. He then turned to the priest, and in a thick Irish brogue said, “Well now, father, at what speed was the rabbi going when he backed into you?”
A Chinese man and a Jewish man are sitting next to each other in a bar. The Jewish man suddenly punches the Chinese man.
“Why did you do that?” asks the Chinese man.
“That’s for bombing Pearl Harbor!”
“I’m Chinese, that was the Japanese.”
“Chinese, Japanese, you’re all the same.”
Both men sit and drink some more. The Chinese man punches the Jewish man.
“Why did you do that?” asks the Jewish man.
“That’s for sinking the Titanic!”
“What are you talking about? The Titanic was sunk by an iceberg!”
“Iceberg, Weissberg, Goldberg, you’re all the same…”
An admiral, a supreme court justice, and a senator die in a car accident and go to heaven. When they get there, there is a looong line at the pearly gates. They decide to try and cut in. They walk up to St. Peter.
The admiral says, “Look, I’m a very important man. I wielded great responsibility and dedicated my life to defending my country. Can’t I get in ahead of these people.”
St. Peter says, “No. Get to the back of the line.”
The supreme court justice says, “St. Peter, I have striven my whole life to make fair and just decisions. I rose to the highest judicial office in the nation. Couldn’t I just slip in front here?”
“Sorry,” says St. Peter.“Back of the line.”
“Come on,” says the senator, “I spent my whole life in public service. I passed laws that benefited millions of people. Do I really have to wait in this long line now?”
St. Peter says, “Yes. You too. It’s first come first served. I don’t care who you are. All of you: back of the line.”
Just then, a man in surgical scrubs, wearing a stethoscope, and carrying a medicine kit strolls up and walks nonchalantly through the gates. St. Peter doesn’t say a word.
The three men are shocked. “Hey,” says the admiral, “what gives? How come a doctor gets to walk right in, and we have to wait in line?”
“Oh,” says St. Peter, “that’s not a doctor. That’s God. He just thinks he’s a doctor.”
An old jewish man is at the wailing wall.
“Oh Lord,” he says, “all my life, all I ever wanted was to win the lottery. Why oh why could you never let me win the lottery?”
The clouds part, a beam of light shines through, and the lord speaks:
[Mel Brooks voice]
“Abe, ya gotta help me out here. Buy a ticket.”
[/Mel Brooks voice]
(the slightly offensive one)
A priest and a rabbi are hanging out together in the Catholic church.
The priest says to the rabbi, “Hey, let’s go screw those altar boys.”
The rabbi replies, “Out of what?”
A congregation honors a Rabbi for twenty-five years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all-expenses paid. When he walks into his room, there’s a nude girl lying on the bed.
He picks up the phone, calls his Temple, and says, “Where is your respect? As your Rabbi, I am very, very angry with you.”
The girl gets up and starts to get dressed.
He covers the receiver and says, “Where are you going? I’m not angry at you.”
The Italian says, I’m tired and thirsty. I must have Wine.
The Scot says, I’m tired and thirsty. I must have Scotch.
The Swede says, I’m tired and thirsty. I must have Aquavit.
The Russian says, I’m tired and thirsty. I must have Vodka.
The German says, I’m tired and thirsty. I must have Beer.
The Greek says, I’m tired and thirsty. I must have Ouzo.
The Jew says, I’m tired and thirsty. I must have Diabetes.
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.
“Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.” Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.
“Two dogs, please,” says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Intrigued, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their ‘dogs.’ The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, “What part did you get?”
Three nuns die in a car crash and are incinerated. They arrive at the pearly gates to be told by St Peter that they are a week early and can’t enter heaven as renovations aren’t finished.
The nuns are a bit upset about this. St Peter sees that they all have lead virtuous lives, so he offers to make it up to them.
“As none of you can return to your old bodies I have a proposal. You all have denied yourselves your entire lives, so during this week you can each go back to earth as anyone you choose and none of your actions will be recorded in the great ledger against your immortal souls.”
The nuns talk it over for a little while then agree. The first nun asks
“Would it be possible for me to return to earth as Oprah Winfrey? I would love to have her fame, wealth, and influence; just for a week of course.” St. Peter smiles and sends her off.
The second nun shyly asks “Could I return as Celine Dion? I’ve never been able to sing and I would love to spend a week as a great singer.”, St Peter winks and sends her off.
The last, an ancient tiny Italian nun, looks up to St. Peter and says “I wanna be Sarah Pipiliny”
St. Peter has a look in the great ledger but can’t find any Sarah Pipiliny, he lets the last nun know that if Sarah Pipiliny never existed she can’t go back to earth. The little nun doesn’t budge and pulls out a very old battered copy of the Times, unfolds it and gives it to St. Peter who reads:
SAHARA PIPE LINE LAID BY 100 MEN IN ONE WEEK
[sub]My favorite version of the Jesus-and-the-old-man-missing-his-son-joke[/sub]
One day in heaven, St. Peter was guarding the gates of heaven where he waited for all the souls to come. There he would look at the book of life and decide whether the soul is going in or not. Well, one day he feels he is tired, he sees Jesus walking by and he calls him.
“Jesus, can you do me a favor?”
“No problem old friend”
“It has been a slow day, and I’m a bit tired, so I was wondering if you could guard the gate for a little while?”
“I’d be glad to!”
So Peter takes his leave. Meanwhile, Jesus is waiting for Peter to come back and 15 minutes passes, 30, 2 hours, and so on. But since Jesus is such a benevolent man he patiently waits.
Jesus then spots an old man walking towards him. The old man gets to the gate and tells Jesus, “Hi, I’ve been walking towards this place for about an hour. I guess this is heaven, can I come in?”
Jesus doesn’t know the gate procedure and Peter appears to have taken the big book anyway, so he tells the old man to wait because he thinks Peter will be back any minute. There they are, staring at each other with nothing to say.
Jesus breaks the ice and asks, “So, tell me a little about yourself.”
The old man replies, “Well I was a poor woodworker who lived in a fishing village by the sea. I’m no big deal, but almost everyone has heard of my son. I was so sad when he was gone. I would give anything to see him one more time.”
Jesus looks at the man and says “Really, why?”
The old man lights up as he speaks “There never has been nor will there ever be another like him. He always tried to do the right thing, and everyone was amazed by the things that he did. Many books have been written about him and almost everyone in the world knows his name.”
Jesus begins to think and he asks him, “Anything peculiar about him?”
The old man answers "Well, his birth was a unique and magical event, and he had holes in his hands and feet.
With his heart full of joy Jesus looks at the man and says: “Father!”
The old man looks at Jesus with tears in his eyes and says: “PINOCCHIO!!!”
The golfers may like this one:
There was a young minister who loved golf. One Sunday he woke to get ready for church, but it was such a beautiful morning, he thought he’d the congregation wouldn’t miss him for once and called the church, said he was sick, and asked that someone else give the sermon that day.
He then got his golf clubs, threw them in the trunk of his car and drove to a golf course an hour away, so he would be sure he wouldn’t run into anyone from his congregation: He didn’t want anyone to know he had lied and have his congregation lose trust in him. An angel saw this and reported to Jesus.
“Jesus,” said the angel, “That minister just lied to his church and congregation so he can play golf! Are you going to let him get away with that?”
“No,” Jesus said, “I won’t.”
So on the very first hole, the minister tees off. The ball sails high into the air, then hooks left into the trees. The ball is caught in midair by a hawk, who flies it over the green and drops the ball in for a hole-in-one.
On the second hole, his drive bounces into the water hazard, then a sudden wave throws the ball onto the green and in for a hole-in-one.
Similar miraculous plays occur on each hole, each resulting in a hole-in-one, until the minister had shot an 18 for the course.
The angel looks at Jesus and asks, “That’s it? I thought you were going to punish him!”
“I did,” said Jesus who turned and smiled at the angel. “Who’s he going to tell?”
The Pope is diagnosed with a very rare prostate condition and is told that the only cure is for him to have sex with a woman. After much consideration he decides that the good he can do outweighs the sin, and he tells his advisors that he agrees to do it.
“But,” he says, “there are four conditions.”
“First, the woman must be blind, so she cannot see that I am the pope.”
“Second, she must be deaf so that she cannot hear my voice and identify me as the pope.”
“Third, she must be a mute so that if she ever finds out my identity, she can tell no-one.”
His advisors agree that all of these conditions can be met. “Yes your holiness” they say. “But what is the fourth condition?”
The pope leans in and whispers “big tits.”
A paratrooper is taking his final lesson before his first jump. The instructor explains, “if the main chute doesn’t open, pull the ripcord on the reserve chute.” Someone pipes up “what do you do if the reserve chute doesn’t work?” The instructor replies, “there is only one thing you can do, repeat this phrase over and over: ‘nam myoho renge kyo’” The paratrooper is puzzled, but he always follows orders…
So on his first jump, the paratrooper’s main chute fails. He pulls the reserve chute ripcord and nothing happens. So he starts saying the phrase. And out of a cloud, the huge hand of Buddha appears and catches him, holding him safely and slowly carrying him to the ground. In astonishment at the miracle, he blurts out “thank God, I’m saved!”
And the hand vanishes into thin air.
Now a joke told to me by a high-level officer in Trancendental Meditiation. All the Maharishi people laughed uproariously at this joke, which leads me to believe that TM is the most humorless religious cult in the world.
A group of people are taking their TM initiation, and beforehand, they get the usual lecture about how their mantra is selected for them personally, and that they should never tell anyone else their mantra because it might not be suitable for them. After the initiation, two people came up to the leader, and said “hey, you gave us both the same mantra. How could this be, we are such different personalities?” The leader replied, “oh, that’s the mantra we give to stupid people.”
Two bees arrive at the hive at the same time. One has a full load of pollen, the other has practically nothing. The sucessful one tells the other that there’s a Bar Mitzvah down the street with lots of flowers, and that there’s plenty more left, so the unsucessful bee heads out while the other goes in the hive to unload.
A few minutes later they meet again, the returning bee now loaded with pollen.
“Great, you found the Bar Mitzvah!”
“Yes, it was just where you said it was, and such wonderful flowers!”
“Um, what’s that on your head? Is it a yalmuke?”
A rabbi and a priest are talking, and the priest mentions that a former member of his parrish has become a Bishop.
“Mazel tov! That’s a wonderful thing, you must all be very proud of him.”
The priest responds, “Yes, it was very rewarding to hear. His devotion to god is very strong.”
“Are there further promotions in store for him?” asks the rabbi.
“Possibly, I suppose he could become a Cardinal in time, if he is devout and pius.”
“How about after that?”
The priest pauses. “In my wildest imagination, it’s possible that he could become Pope. But that’s so far fetched that it doesn’t even pay to think about it.”
“And after that?”
“What, do you want him to become God?!”
“Well,” said the rabbi, “one of our boys made it.”
Four sisters go to confession.
The first sister goes into the booth, and the other three, naturally, lean close to hear what she has to say, and she says: “Forgive me Father for I have sinned, I touched a man’s private parts with my finger.”
The priest says: "Say five ‘Hail Marys’ and bathe your finger in the holy water in the fountain."
So the first sister comes out and the second sister steps in and the other two hear her say: “Forgive me Father for I have sinned, I touched a man’s private parts with my hand.”
The priest says: "Say ten ‘Hail Marys’ and bathe your hand in the holy water in the fountain."
Upon hearing this, the fourth sister taps the third sister on the shoulder and asks: “Would you mind if I went ahead of you?”
“Of course not, but why do you ask?”
“Because I just know he’s going to make me drink a bunch of holy water, and I want to drink it before he makes you sit in it.”
Here’s two,
The Sunday school teacher asks the kids if they know who Jesus is. Little Mary puts up her hand.
"I know! He wears a red suit and brings us presents!
“Uh, no Mary. Anyone else?”
Little Jimmy thinks he knows.
“He has big ears and a fluffy tail and he brings chocolate!”
“No Jimmy, that’s not right either”
Little Johnny frantically waves his hand.
“Yes Johnny?”
“Jesus died for our sins on the cross, and then they put him in the tomb and three days later He came out!”
“Right Johnny! Then what happened?”
“Then He saw His shadow and went back in for another six weeks!”
And this…
An old miser lies dying. He calls his wife to him and tells her to gather up all his money. She’s to go and close the bank account, dig up the coffee cans out back, and even get the penny jar. Then he tells her to put it all into a suitcase and put it up in the attic, directly over his bed. “When I die” he tells her, “I’m gonna grab it on the way up!”
She does as he asked, and a short time later he dies.
She immediatly runs up to the attic, and sure enough, the suitcase is still there. "Darn! she says,“I knew I should have put it in the basement!”
I heard these both in church. DURING the service! Also “Jesus is watching you”