Jesus is dying on the cross, and Peter is down the hill comforting Mary Magdalene when he hears Jesus’ faint voice, “Peter. . . Peter. . .”
“I must go and help my Savior,” he said and went up the hill, only to be beaten and kicked back down by the Roman centurions guarding the cross. But soon he hears, “Peter. . . Peter,” in even fainter tones but he cannot ignore the call. Peter limps up the hill, leans a ladder against the cross, and gets halfway up when the centurions knock over the ladder, beats him brutally, and tosses him back down the hill.
Again he hears, “Peter. . . Peter. . .” ever fainter, and again, he cannot refuse his Lord. In pain, he slowly staggers up the hill, drags himself up the ladder, and finally gets even with Christ’s face. Just as the centurions are reaching for the ladder, Jesus says, “Peter. . . Peter. . . look, I can see your house from here.”
Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah’s Witness with an atheist?
A: Someone who knocks on your door for no reason.
I’ve always liked this VG Cats comic about “Jenova’s Witnesses”; you’ll only get the jokes if you played Final Fantasy VII though.
saucywench, I assume the asterisks represent the word “shit”? It’s OK, you can use it here. It probably would have greatly aided the joke. There aren’t too many restrictions here. Just don’t insult Dopers outside of the Pit, and even there, there are some restrictions. But it’s OK to throw around a casual “shit” or “fuck”. It’s customary (though not mandatory) not to use profanity in thread titles, though, for people who are browsing the Dope from work.
I was about to post this same remark (even referring to saucywench thread in ATMB, where she carefully asked ahead of time about language rules here) (seasoned SBMD readers pause here for uproarious laughter) – then I realized, you really need to write **** to make this joke work – because some of the lines really work best when it’s kept ambiguous what the **** might mean.
Case in point: " T.V. Evangelism: Send more **** "
Here, does **** mean shit or money? (Or both at once?)
Why should you always take at least two Southern Baptists fishing with you?
Because if you only take one, he’ll drink all your beer.
The Ark came to rest on dry ground. Noah commands the animals to go forth and multiply, and they do except for a pair of confused snakes. Noah asks “why do you not go forth and multiply?”
The snakes say “we can’t, sir, we’re adders.”
When Nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.
Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.
“And so,” says St. Peter, “have you ever had any contact with a penis?”
“Well,” says the first Nun in line, “I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger.”
“OK” says St. Peter, “Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven.”
The next Nun admits that “Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit.”
“OK” says St. Peter, “Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven.”
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.
“Well now, what’s going on here?” says St. Peter.
“Well, your excellency,” says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, “If I’m going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it.”
Three stupid guys just died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.
St. Peter asks the first man, “What is Easter?”
The man replies, “Oh, that’s easy, it’s the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and is thankful…”
“WRONG,” replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second man the same question, “What is Easter?”
The second man replies, “No, Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.”
St. Peter looks at the second man, shakes his head in disqust, looks at the third man and asks, “What is Easter?”
“I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and he was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified,he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large bolder.” St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. Then the third man continues, “Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out, and if he sees his shadow there will be 6 more weeks of winter.”
Old man Goldberg is the CEO of the Goldberg Nail Company. He’s getting on in years, and knows he needs to prepare his son to run the company, but the son is a nincompoop.
To help the son learn the business, the old man gives his son the assignment of coming up with a new advertising campaign. After a month, the son shows his dad the new ad: a picture of Jesus on the cross with the caption, “Even then they used Goldberg nails!”
The father was beside himself. “You idiot! You moron! You fool! This will offend all of our Christian customers! We can’t use this! You have to fix it right away!”
After working for another week, the son unveils the corrected ad: a picture of Jesus lying in a heap under a cross with the caption, “They didn’t use Goldberg nails.”
A Baptist preacher and a Methodist preacher are eating lunch together and discussing the state of the world. The Baptist preacher says, “People today have no morals. Why, I’m proud to say that I never had sex with my wife before we were married! What about you?”
The Methodist preacher thinks for a minute and says, “Do you have her picture?”
Looking around the table, he prefaced it by asking, “Are there any Christians here? I don’t mean to blashpheme or offend anyone.” Since nobody declared themselves to be religiously affiliated, he continued, “The Lord and St. Peter are in heaven observing the action down on the earth on a television monitor. They are amazed by what they see: people are forever rushing about, ceaselessly digging and constructing, building large cities, everywhere busy, busy, busy, from early morning throughout the night. The Lord turns to St. Peter and asks incredously, ‘ What are they all doing, busy from morning till night, never resting, forever striving, battling, competing? What’s the point of it?’ St Peter replies, ‘Well Lord, these people are your followers, they believe in you and obey you. And you told them to eat their bread in the sweat of their brows.’ And the Lord says to St. Peter, ‘But I was only kidding.’”
We started to laugh, but Krishnamurti gestured us to calm down, calling out, “No, don’t laugh yet. There’s more to come. St. Peter switches channels and they see a magnificent banquet hall in the Vatican with huge tables filled with expensive delicacies. There are caviar and truffles and the finest wines and so on. Hundreds of big men in purple robes are seated around the tables, feasting and laughing and drinking cognac and smoking cigars. They are the cardinals and bishops, having a feast. ‘But what about these people, ‘the Lord asks St. Peter, ‘they don’t seem to be eating their bread in the sweat of their brows. If you ask me, they seem to be having a jolly good time.’ St. Peter says, ‘Well Lord, these are the ones who knew you were only kidding.’
This joke is hundreds of years old, literally. I first read it in a history book, of all places. Don’t know who, if anyone, claimed credit for it.
There are two men who are business associates. One is Christian and one is Jewish. The Christian keeps working on the Jewish guy, trying to convert him.
Finally the Jewish guy said he’s ready to consider conversion. But before he does he wants to travel to Rome, to see the Vatican, the Pope and cardinals, and all that. The Christian guy is worried because he knows about all the corruption of some of the hierarchy of the Church.
So when the Jewish man returns and says he’s now ready to convert the Christian is surprised and asks him why.
“Well, I saw all the goings on and was appalled. But then I realized that in spite of all that the Church still survives and has believers like you. So there must be something to it!” Hey, I know some nun jokes too, but now I have to leave for work!