Religious Humor

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

That joke appears, of all places, in “The Decameron” by Bocaccio, written around 1350. Given that “The Decameron” appears to be mostly a compilation of existing stories, it is very likely that that joke was older than that (and, at that time, it was much more biting than nowadays – the problems with Church corruption and all that were much more blatant than today).

Now, my contribution:

Three saintly old priests (or ministers, or whatever – you can freely choose your priestly denomination at will) die and go in front of St. Peter (or whoever keeps an eye in the entrance to the afterlife in your particular cultural environment).

St. Peter checks their files and says: “Oh, my – there has been a mistake. You were not supposed to die today, but a month from now.” The priests say: “Oh, what are we going to do then?”. St. Peter says: “No worries – tell you what: In order to compensate for the inconvenience, I have this proposition… You will be sent back to Earth to live for one month over there, and you will be incarnated in whatever form you wish to have. Also, whatever you do during this month won’t count against you when you come back here. What do you think?” “OK!”, say the priests.

St. Peter approaches the first priest: “So, my son, what would you like to come back to Earth as?”, and the priest replies: “Sir, I always dreamed of being able to fly and soar over the mighty mountains, enjoying the freedom of the air”. “Very well! So be it!”, and the guy is sent back to Earth.

St. Peter talks to the second priest: “And you, my son? What would you like to come back to Earth as?”, and the second priest says: “Oh, Sir, I always wanted to be able to run like the wind, to enjoy the open spaces and the wonders of nature”. “Very well! So be it!”, and the second priest is sent back to Earth.

St. Peter talks, finally, to the third priest: “What about you? What would you like to come back to Earth as?”, and the third priest says: “Well, let’s see… You said that, whatever we do, this month on Earth won’t count against us?” “Yes, that is what I said”, says St. Peter. “All right”, says the priest – “I want to go back to Earth as a stud, the best there is!” “So be it!”, says St. Peter, and the third priest is sent back to Earth.

One month passes, and the secretary angel goes to St. Peter and says: “Sir, remember those three priests who died before their time? I think today they are scheduled to come here…” “Oh, yes!” says St. Peter. “Let’s see, can you tell me where they are right now?” “Yes, Sir” says the angel. “Here I have the information…”

“The first priest is an eagle, flying high above the Alps”.

“Very good”, says St. Peter. “And the second?”

“The second priest is an antelope, running through the African Savannah”.

“Good. And the third?”

“The third is in a truck’s wheel, somewhere on the Rockies”.

22

Noah goes away and thinks for a while.

He orders his sons to have a tree cut down and sawn up to make into furnishings for the adders.

Three months later he pays a quiet visit to the adders. He is pleased to see that the adders have now been joined by several little nippers. “Ah” he says “I see you have managed to overcome your little problem.”

“Oh indeed,” said one of the adults. “The log tables were just what was needed.”

23

Non, no no. He gives the Lama his Hot Dpog With Everything, but nothing back from the large bill he was given. The lama asks"Where’s my change?"

The Hot Dog Guy replies, “Change comes from within.”

24

Because as every good engineer knows, a log table convert adders to multipliers.

25

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. Barman says, “What is this, some kinda joke?”
(By the way, the iPhone autocorrects barman to batman. I wasn’t prepared for that.)

26

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic with insomnia?

He was up all night wondering if there really was a dog.

27

Huh, should have corrected it to bartender.

28

To do is to be.
-Taoism

To be is to do.
-Buddhism

Do be do be do.
-Frank Sinatra

29

I used to have an old book of jokes, and they always used “Barman” instead of “Bartender”. So, for no good reason, I still use “Barman” in my “guy goes into a bar” jokes. I never use it in any other context.

30

Interesting. Google turns up a couple of hits on it, but it’s a rare useage.

Back to the jokes:

A couple of nuns were riding their bikes trough Vatican City. On a lark, they decide to try a new route down a cobblestone side street.

When they get home, one of them says “I’ve never come that way before.”

The other replies “It must be the cobblestones.”

31

Missionary Mice

32

Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them.

Sister Elizabeth casts her eyes heavenward and cries, “Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!”

Sister Mary turns and moans, “Oh God, mine does!!!”

33

A Lutheran pastor, a Catholic priest, a Rabbi and a Wiccan priestess were fishing from a boat not far from the lake shore.

The pastor had to make a trip to the port-a-potty located on the shore, so he got out of the boat, walked across the water to the shore and walked back across the water to the boat.

A little later, the priest had to make the trip. He got out of the boat, walked across the water, visited the bathroom and walked back across the water to the boat.

Shortly thereafter the priestess made the same trip, getting out of the boat, walking across the water and back.

A bit later, the rabbi needed to go ashore.
He got out of the boat and immediately sank.

The pastor looked at the priest and said,
“Do you think we ought to tell him where the rocks are?”
The priestess asks, “What rocks?”

34

St. Peter is manning the Pearly Gates. He’s going about his business, asking them what their job was, if they had any kids, etc., and letting them in. The line is exceptionally long today, and it becomes apparent that the line isn’t going to thin out before he can take a pee break. As his need to pee gets more and more desperate, he sees Jesus walking by.

“Hey Jesus,” he says. “I need you to cover for me for a minute while I pee! It’s easy. Just ask them what they did, whether or not they had any kids, and so on. Then let them in.”

“Easy-peasy,” says Jesus.

So Jesus goes about interviewing the people, asking them what they did, if they had any kids, etc. An old man approaches. Jesus asks:

“So, what did you do?”

“I was a carpenter,” says the old man.

This gets Jesus’ attention. “Did you have any kids?” asks Jesus.

“I had a son, but he wasn’t actually mine,” says the old man.

Now this has really got Jesus’ attention. “Tell me more!” he says.

“Well,” says the old man, “lots of people made fun of my boy.” Jesus is getting more and more interested by the minute. “He wasn’t really understood.”

Jesus is almost ecstatic now. “Tell me more!” he says.

The old man responds, “And, my boy had holes in his hands and feet.”

“Dad?!” says Jesus.

The old man responds, “Pinocchio?!”

35

There’s this small town in the South. It’s so small that they only have two churches; the Baptist church and the Presbyterian church. The Baptist church has this old preacher who’s been behind the pulpit for decades; the Presbyterian church has this new preacher fresh out of seminary. Nevertheless, the two men are the best of friends, and they meet every Monday morning at the coffee shop to discuss how things went, go over sermon notes, etc. The Baptist drives to the coffee shop in his Cadillac; the Presbyterian rides up on his bicycle.

One Monday morning, the Baptist is waiting at the coffee shop, and he sees his friend walking up.

“Son, what has happened to your bicycle?” asks the Baptist.

“I believe a member of my congregation has stolen my bicycle,” says the Presbyterian.

“Son,” says the old Baptist, “I know just what you got to do. Sunday morning, I want you to get up behind that pulpit, and I want you to preach like you ain’t never preached before. That congregation- I want the to feel the fire. To smell the brimstone! To feel the almighty power of GOD! I want you to preach on every one of them Ten Commandments, and when you get to ‘Thou shalt not steal,’ that thief will feel the conviction of the Holy Spirit, and will return your bicycle unto you.”

The young Presbyterian was thrilled. Sure enough, the following Monday, the old Baptist is waiting for his coffee when he sees his young friend pull up on his bicycle.

“I see you have your bicycle back,” says the Baptist.

“Yes sir,” says the Presbyterian.

“Tell me what happened,” says the Baptist.

“Well, sir, I did just as you told me. Sunday morning, I got behind that pulpit, and I preached like I ain’t never preached before. That congregation- they felt the fire. They smelled the brimstone! They felt the almighty power of GOD! And I preached on every one of them Ten Commandments, and when I got to ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery,’ I remembered where I left my bicycle.”

36

Little Jimmy is in public school. He’s getting terrible grades- D’s across the board. Except in math; he always gets F’s in math.

One day he gets his report card, and the dad sees that he’s gotten yet more bad grades, including an F in math. “Listen up, Jimmy,” says the dad. “One more report bad report card and I’m yanking your ass out of public school and sending you to St. Agnes, where they don’t fuck around.”

“Whatever,” says Jimmy.

Next report card comes, and sure enough, Jimmy has gotten all D’s, except for math, where he got an F.

“I told you!” says Dad. He hauls his ass over to St. Agnes and enrolls him.

A few weeks go by, and Jimmy gets his next report card. All B’s, and an A in math!

Thrilled, Dad asks, “What happened?”

“Well,” says Jimmy, “I knew they took math seriously at St. Agnes when I saw that painting of a man nailed to a plus sign.”

37

Then the lama says “Post #4 not good enough for you, huh?”

38

Maeby: Do you guys know where I can get one of those gold necklaces with a “T” on it?
Michael: That’s a cross.
Maeby: Across from where?

39

Two Jewish men walk past a church on thir lunch break on Friday before Shabbos. The church usually has a marquee sign reading GET BAPTIZED!, but today there is a handwritten sign taped below it: JEWS, GET $20 IF YOU DO IT BEFORE SUNDOWN!

The two men are appalled. One of them says it’s obviously a tasteless joke stuck on by some passer-by, the other says he thinks it’s the church’s own doing. After a bit of arguing he says, “To settle it, I’m going to go in and find out.” The other one doesn’t want to make (or be a party to making) a scene, so he says he’ll wait outside.

After 10 or 15 minutes, his friend comes back out. “I was right,” he said, “It was them and they meant it!”
“What? Are you serious? The pastor himself put out that sign?”
“Yep. And when I asked him about it, he dumped a ladle of water right over my head!”
“That’s outrageous! And did he give you a $20 bill, too?”
His friend looked at him pityingly. “Is that all you Jews think about? Money?”

40

I don’t get this one.