Rabbi saves all his life to pay for his son to go to Jerusalem.
He meets his son at the airport on his return and the son says "Father, I have to tell you- when in the Holy Land, I accepted Jesus as the Messiah.
The brokenhearted Rabbi cries unto the Lord “Woe is me, I have sent my son to Jerusalem & he has become a Christian!”
A voice booms from above “Oy, have I got one to top that!”
I think “the stud” is some sort of part in the truck wheel.
Like in a snow tire?
Jesus and Moses were playing golf one day on the Jack Nicklaus course in Montana. This course had a particularly difficult hole, and Moses expressed his doubts that Jesus could make the shot over the water.
“Watch this, Moses, I think I can do it,” exclaimed Jesus. “I’ve seen Arnold Palmer make this shot, and if Arnold Palmer can do it, then so can I.”
Moses rolled his eyes and let Jesus try. Sure enough, the ball splashed into the water. Moses parted the water for Jesus, who went in to retrieve his ball.
Jesus, however, was not ready to give up.
“I know I can do this, Moses – I’ve seen Arnold Palmer do it, and if he can do it, then so can I.”
True to form, however, Jesus’ ball ended up back in the water. Moses parted the water, and Jesus went in to retrieve the ball.
“Look, Jesus,” said Moses. “Try again if you like, but I’m not parting the water for you again.”
“Fair enough, Moses,” said Jesus. “But you know, I’ve seen Arnold Palmer make this shot, and if Arnold Palmer can do it, then so can I.”
Once again, Jesus’ ball was in the water. Jesus proceeded to walk upon the water to get it.
Another group of golfers came up behind Moses and saw Jesus walking on the water. “Holy Cow!” one of them said to Moses. “Who does that guy think he is, Jesus ?”
“No,” said Moses, rolling his eyes. “He thinks he’s Arnold Palmer.”
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES.
He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real.
When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell.
The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, “What may we do for you, my son?” He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.
“Please follow me.” He is led through many winding passages. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, “Please knock on this door”.
He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, “Please place $50 in the cup”.
He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun’s cup. She motions for him to follow her and she leads him down a long hallway to a large wooden door. She opens the door and motions him through and locks the door behind him. The man finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY GO IN PEACE AND HAVE A NICE DAY.
It’s what the lug nuts screw onto.
I know a joke that’s similar. It’s about dead jazz musicians going to heaven. The punchline is “That’s God. He thinks he’s Miles Davis.”
Not sure which use of the word you’re not familiar with to not get that joke, but think “stud” as in a breeding stallion (a common slang term for a sexually popular man), versus the stud on a winter tire.
Eh, OK. I was just thinking that a lug nut on an 18 wheeler in Colorado was a stretch, but perhaps I was over thinking it a bit then.
Sorry – I scanned responsdes after #6 (which is the one I quoted), so I didn’t see #4.
I have a different “Jesus and Moses play golf” joke:
It was a beautiful, sunny Sunday afternoon while Moses, Jesus, and another guy were out playing golf. On the first tee-box, Moses pulls out his driver and blisters a shot up the right side of the fairway, rolling fast towards a water hazard. Moses quickly raised his club, parting the water while his ball rolls through to the other side safely.
Golf Ball Hole In OneNext up on the tee, Jesus hits a really long drive right towards the very same water hazard. His ball came to rest dead center of the pond, hovering just over the surface of the water. Jesus casually walks out onto the pond, and chips it up onto the green within a couple feet of the flagstick.
Not impressed, the third guy steps up to the tee without taking any time and just randomly whacks at the ball. Rightfully so, the ball is hit with a nasty hook that clears the left OB markers and goes over a fence into oncoming traffic. It bounces off a truck’s windshield hitting a nearby tree, bounces onto the roof of the greenkeeper’s shed, back out onto the fairway and towards the same pond that Moses and Jesus hit. Before it gets wet, the ball ricochets off a small rock and bounces onto a lily pad on over the water when a bullfrog jumped up and ate the ball. Right at that moment, a bald eagle swoops down and grabs the frog, flying away. As it flew over the green, the frog squeals with fright and drops the ball right next to the flagstick, taking one bounce and landing in the cup for an astounding hole in one.
In disgust, Moses then turns to Jesus and says, “I hate playing with your Dad.”
An Irish priest and a rabbi shared a compartment on a train. The priest opened the conversation by saying, “I know that your religion doesn’t allow you to eat pork. But, have you ever actually tasted it?” The rabbi replied, “To tell the truth, I’ve succumbed occasionally. Now in your religion, you’re supposed to be celibate, but….” The priest smiled and replied, “Oh, I know what you’re going to ask. Yes, I’ve succumbed occasionally over the years.” There was a moment of silence. Then the Rabbi said, “Sure beats pork, doesn’t it?”
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God needed a vacation but couldn’t decide where to go. An aide suggested Venus. “I don’t think so,” replied God, “I was there 10,000 years ago and I ended up with the worst case of sunburn ever!” “How about Jupiter?” “Nope. Too cold,” said God. “I was there 5,000 years ago and I nearly froze!” A third advisor suggested Earth. “You can’t be serious!” said God. “I was there 2,000 years ago and they’re still accusing me of getting some Jewish girl pregnant!”
It’s called the logarithm method.
Three ministers were talking over lunch and before long found themselves discussing how much of the weekly donation was appropriate to keep and how much to give to the Lord.
The first minister says, “I just draw a line on the floor, put one foot on each side, and throw the money into the air… whatever lands on the right side of the line is God’s and whatever lands on the left is mine.
The second minister notes that he uses a similar method, but “I use a small coffee table when I throw the money in the air and whatever lands on the table goes to the Lord and whatever lands on the floor is mine.”
They both contemplate each others answer and finally turn to the third minister who is sitting there without saying anything.
“Well, how do you do it?” asks the first to the third. “Well, I do as you both do and throw the money into the air, but I figure whatever the Lord wants, he’ll grab, and I keep whatever hits the floor.”
Three nuns were sitting on a park bench when suddenly a man walked up to them, opened his coat, and flashed them!
The first nun had a stroke.
The second nun had a stroke.
But the third nun’s arms were too short.
Two priests were playing basketball. When they were done they hit the showers. But they soon realized that they didn’t have any soap. One of them realized that he had a couple of bars of soap in his office, so he offered to run and get them.
He didn’t really feel like drying off, getting dressed, going to his office, coming back and getting disrobed again. He figured if he made a wet, naked mad dash down the hall, chances were that no one would see him. So that’s what he did.
On the way back, he heard the sound of nuns coming around the corner. He panicked a little, and decided to pose like he was a statue, holding up a bar of soap in each hand.
The nuns saw him, and one said “Ooh, a new statue! And like, it’s like a vending machine or whatever. Like it’s totally got this handle to pull.”
She pulled on his penis. He was so startled that he dropped a bar of soap. “Ooh, I got soap!” said the nun.
The second nun decided to pull his “handle.” Once again, the priest was startled, and dropped the other bar of soap. “Totally kickass, I got soap too!” said the second nun.
The third nun said “Ooh, me too, me too!” She pulled on his “handle.”
“Ooh, hand soap!”
Jesus made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, white-haired old man sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate. The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.
“See here, old fellow,” said Jesus kindly, "this is heaven. The sun is shining, you’ve got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to play-- you’re supposed to be blissfully happy! What’s wrong?
“Well,” said the old man, “you see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here in heaven I was hoping more than anything to find him.”
"Tears sprang from Jesus’ eyes. “FATHER!” he cried.
The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, “PINOCCHIO!”
Three nuns from the same convent, one of which is the Mother Superior of the convent, die on the same day.
when they appear before St. Peter he tells them"Look, since you were supposed to be holy women, you need to prove yourselves a little more than the average arrival. Before entering Heaven you each have to answer a simple question. But I wouldn’t be too worried, the questions aren’t all that difficult."
To the first nun he asks “Who was the first man?” She answers “Adam” and St. Peter waves her on “Come in! Come in!”
To the second nun he asks “Who was the first woman?” and she replies “Eve” Again, St Peter tells her “Come in! Come in!”
St Peter tells the third nun, the Mother Superior, that since she was a leader her question will be a little more difficult. So he asks her “What did Eve say when she first met Adam?”
The poor woman thinks and thinks and can remember anything like that in the Bible. She mutters “That’s a hard one.”
And St. Peter waves her onward “Come in! Come in”
Q: How many church ladies does it take to change the lightbulb?
A: Change the lightbulb!!? You can’t change it! My grandmother donated that lightbulb!