Religious Humor

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
61

Guy dies and goes to hell.

A devil is showing him around. First part of hell he sees - parched sand, people shuffling around gasping with thirst.

The devil and the guy go thru a door into another part of hell. Nothing but bare rocks, with people wandering around starving and moaning.

They go thru a third door, into another part of hell. Lush green grass, nicely maintained sidewalks leading up to a beautiful, shining city where clean, well-behaved children are playing.

“This is hell?” says the guy. The devil gets on the phone.

“Satan? Beelzebub here. Listen, I’m on level three. Those Mormons are at it again…”

Regards,
Shodan

62

Guy dies and goes to Hell.

He’s moping around, when the Devil comes up to him and asks, “Hey man, why are you so sad?” The guy responds, “Well, this is Hell, so you know…”

The Devil responds, “Actually, things aren’t so bad here in Hell. Do you like to smoke?”

“I love to smoke!” says the guy. “Well,” the Devil says, “you’re in luck. Monday is Smoking Day here in Hell. We have Marlboros, the best European brands, Cuban cigars, Nicaraguan cigars, Jamaican cigars… all the smokes you could want to smoke, and then some. And you’re not going to get lung cancer; you’re already dead, you’re in Hell.”

“I think I’m starting to like this,” says the guy.

“Do you like to gamble?” asks the Devil.

“I love to gamble!” says the guy. “Well,” says the Devil, “you’re in luck. Tuesday is Gambling Day here in Hell. We have slots, Pai Gow, roulette, Texas Hold 'Em… all the gambling you could want! And it doesn’t matter how much money you lose; you’re already dead, you’re in Hell.”

“This sounds great!” says the guy.

“Do you like to drink?” asks the Devil.

“I love to drink!” says the guy. “Well,” says the Devil, “you’re in luck. Wednesday is Drinking Day here in Hell. We’ve got top-shelf Irish Whiskey, Russian Vodka, French wines, German beers… all the drinking you could possibly want to do! And you’re not going to become an alcoholic; you’re already dead, you’re in Hell.”

“This is awesome!” says the guy.

“Do you like to do drugs?” asks the Devil.

“I love to do drugs!” says the guy. “Well,” says the Devil, “you’re in luck. Thursday is Drug Day here in Hell! We’ve got the finest Jamaican weed, Colombian blow. We’ve got crack, smack, meth, ludes… and you’re not going to get addicted. You’re already dead, you’re in Hell.”

“That’s great!” says the guy.

“Are you gay?” asks the Devil?

“No,” says the guy. The Devil responds, “Ooh, you’re gonna hate Fridays.”

63

Why don’t Baptists make love standing up?

They don’t want anyone to think they are dancing.

64

And then there’s the oft-told axiom for Episcopalians: Wherever three or four are gathered there’s always a fifth.
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Having consorted with numerous bibulous episcopalians over the years, I’m inclined to agree.

65

How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?

Four…

One to call the Sexton.

One to make the gin and tonics.

Two to stand around complaining about how much better they liked the old light bulb.

66

Or, as I heard it told: “No, I think I’ll skip Earth. Last time I visited there, I knocked up this Jewish chick, and they haven’t stopped talking about it since!”

67

What do you get when you cross a Unitarian and a Klansman?

Someone who burns a question mark in your yard.

68

At Sunday School the teacher asked that the children write letters to Jesus, to be read in church.

Mary wrote about her family, Little Johnny wrote about his vacation. Annie wrote in her note " Wish You were here!

69

There’s a hurricane and a town begins to flood. A religious man waits in his home when the national guard shows up at his door. They tell him to evacuate, but the man refuses to go, saying God will save him. The flooding gets worse, and he’s forced to the second floor of his home. He looks out the window and another man in a boat floats by. The man in the boat offers a space in the boat, but the religious man simply replies that God will save him. The water continues to rise, and now the man is on his roof. A rescue helicopter flies by and lowers a ladder, but the man refuses to come aboard, insisting God will save him. Finally, the water gets so high that he’s swept away and drowns.

He gets to heaven and approaches God. The man reproachfully says he was faithful to the end, and yet God never came and saved him! God says “What do you think I sent the national guard, the boat, and the helicopter for?!”

70

How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?

Five…

One to give the opening prayer.

One to lead the music.

One to give the closing prayer.

One to supply the refreshments.

And one to do the actual light bulb change. :smiley:

71

A nun dies and appears at the pearly gates.

“Sister Margaret, you certainly deserve to come in, but back on earth they just had an earthquake, a tsunami, and six bus plunges in the Andes, and we are swamped getting everyone’s rooms ready. Would you mind spending the night downstairs?” asked St. Peter.

“Certainly,” she replies, and down she goes.

The next morning she goes back to St. Peter. “I hope it’s OK, I had just a sip of a mar-tiny last night. May I please come in anyway?”

“Of course,” he replies. "But we need one more night to be sure your room is just right. Can you wait one more day? " She assents and goes back down.

The following morning she’s back. “Is my room ready?”

“Not quite yet,” says St. Peter. “A 747 crashed in the Alps and we are still working on it. Can you come back tomorrow?”

“Yes,” says Sister Margaret. “But I had just a little puff of a cigarette last night. Will I still be able to come in?”

“Sure,” he replies. You lived a very virtuous life and that small error is forgiven."

The following morning, St. Peter receives a call. “Hey, Pete!” the voice says. “This is Peg. Cancel the room.”

72

Jesus is with the woman taken in adultery and says “Whoever is without sin, cast the first stone”. Nothing happens, but a few seconds later a stone flies and hits the woman square in the face. Jesus turns around and say “Hey mum, cut it out.”.

Jesus is walking in the desert with the Apostles and tells them “Disciples, pick a stone to pay for your sins.”
All the apostles pick big rocks but Judas pick a tiny pebble. After a couple of hours Peter says “Lord, we’re hungry”. Jesus smiles and transforms the rocks into food. Judas is pissed.
A couple of weeks later the same scene but Judas pick the biggest boulder in the desert After a couple of hours he says “Lord, we’re hungry”.
Jesus says “Ok, drop the rock and let’s get some Thai food”.

73

There was this man who liked to open a random page at random and stab his finger blindly at a verse and took that as guidance. One particular day, he went through this routine, and found himself reading “Then Judas went to hang himself.”

Rather perturbed, he repeated the procedure again, and this time ended up "Jesus told him, ‘Go and do likewise’.

Chalking up the two verses as some form of weird coincidence, he tried again and found his finger on “What about you are going to do, do quickly.”

74

A rich man died and appeared at the Pearly Gates. He begged and pleaded with St. Peter to be allowed to take it with him, and finally they reached a compromise- the rich man could take whatever he could fit on a wheelbarrow. The rich man when down and loaded one up with gold bars and the came back to the Pearly Gates. St Peter took one look and said “You brought… Paving stones???”

A little girl was saying her nightly prayers with her mother. The girl asked "If I ask God to send clothes for people that are too poor to have any, will God send them clothes? And the mother said yes. The girl said “In that case, please God send clothes to the poor women I saw on daddy’s computer”.

75

Do or do not.
-Jediism

76

Two guys, an American and a Spaniard, die and are both sent to hell. They are there, trembling in front of the admissions devil, who asks them: “OK, now, tell me – do you want to go to the American hell, or to the Spanish hell?”.

“Uh, what is the difference?”, ask the two guys.

“Well”, says the devil, “in the American hell a devil will force-feed you a bucket of shit every morning, but otherwise you’re left free to do whatever you want for the rest of the day.”

“Aha”, say the guys. “And in the Spanish hell?”

“In the Spanish hell a devil will force-feed you a bucket of pus every morning, and again you are free to do whatever you want for the rest of the day.”

So, after thinking it a bit, the American decides to go to the American hell, and the Spaniard goes to the Spanish hell.

Some 547 years later, the damned are given a smoke break, and the American and the Spaniard meet. They greet each other, and the Spaniard asks: “So, how is it in American hell?”

“Oh, it is horrid”, says the American. “Yeah, we can do whatever we want during the day, but having to eat that bucket of shit every morning is simply UN-EN-DU-RA-BLE! What about you? How is it in Spanish hell?”

“Oh, it is fantastic”, says the Spaniard. “Every morning we are supposed to eat our bucket of pus, but when they have pus, they don’t have buckets; when there are buckets, there is no pus; and when there are buckets AND pus, the devil doesn’t come to work!”

77

A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him, “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?”

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.”

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, “Well, that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.”

The Lawyer said, “Wait Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.”

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, “Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”

78

I didn’t get it..someone help out?

79

The first two people are really stupid and got it wrong. The third guy got most of it right, to where the audience thinks he’s smart (notice that he went into great detail on what Easter is) only to have, at the end, him be completely wrong.

80

A rich man called his three most trusted advisers - a priest, a minister and a rabbi - to his deathbed, and commanded them that upon his death, each should take ten thousand dollars of his cash and put it into his coffin, to accompany him to the next world when he died. After he died, each of the three passed by the coffin and made their mandated deposit. Later, the priest said, “I have a confession to make. My church really needs some organ repairs, so I took a thousand dollars of the cash that should have been buried with our friend and used it for my church and only put nine thousand dollars into the coffin.”

The minister sighed with relief. “I’m glad I’m not the only one. The members of my church are getting older, so I took three thousand dollars to construct a wheelchair access ramp and better speakers and large-print hymnals, and only put seven thousand dollars into the coffin.”

The rabbi looked at them with shock. “I can’t believe you abused his trust like that! Why, when I passed by that coffin, I put in it my check for the full ten thousand!”