The third guy got it mostly right until the end, when he mixed up Easter with Groundhog Day.
Ah. Thanks. Too much cultural context in there for me to be able to get the funny… <checks for sense of humour> I think.
OK, I’ve heard 99% of these jokes; and not a one has barely make me crack a smile. I laughed out loud on this one. Hilarious!
A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.
He hears a priest come in:
“Father, forgive me for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be”.
The priest replies, “Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side”.
A Catholic priest is called away by a family emergency while listening to confessions. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he asks his rabbi friend if he can fill in for him.
The rabbi says he wouldn’t know what to do, so the priest agrees to stay with him for a few minutes and show him the ropes.
They enter their half of the confessional together and soon enough, a woman enters and says, “Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I have committed adultery three times”
“Do three Hail Marys, put $5 in the poor-box, and sin no more,” finishes the priest.
The woman leaves and not long after a man enters and says, “Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I have committed adultery three times”
“Do three Hail Marys, put $5 in the poor-box, and sin no more.” The man leaves.
The rabbi takes over and another woman enters the confessional, who says, “Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I have committed adultery two times.”
“I tell you what,” says the rabbi. “Go do it one more time and come back. We got a special this week, three for $5!”
This one comes from my mom, back when she was an ER nurse:
Q: What do Jesus and a medical resident have in common?
A: They’re both 32, Jewish, and their mothers think they’re God.
What do you get when you cross and Mormon with and Atheist?
A person who knocks on your door for no reason.
A Priest and a Rabbi had a horrific crash, both cars were totaled but miraculously they survived without a scratch.
Inspecting the wreckage they discovered a bottle an unbroken bottle of Manischewitz wine. Another miracle.
The Rabbi offered the wine to the Priest to celebrate that neither one was hurt. The Priest took a big gulp and handed the bottle back to the Rabbi.
The Rabbi said, “thanks but not till the police to arrive.”
A man dies and is given the standard tour of Hell. The first room he reaches is full of the souls of the damned, wailing and screaming and gnashing their teeth.
“Wow! What noise! Who are these people?” he asks his guide.
“They are Jews being punished for their transgressions,” is the reply.
“What did they do?”
“They ate pork.”
The next room is louder, the occupants more agitated.
“And them? Who are they?”
“Catholics atoning for their sins,” comes the answer.
“What did they do?”
"Ate meat on Friday.
The third room is so noisy that the man has to yell to be heard. Those inside are screaming and tearing at their clothes and hair.
“Who are they?!” he yells.
“Episcopalians!”
“My God, what did they DO?”
“Ate their salad with their shrimp fork!”
Jesus walks into a Hotel late one evening, lays 3 nails on the counter and says “Can you put me up for the night?”.
What do you call a nun living in the penthouse?
Nun of the above.
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
Virgin mobile.
Three couple are in line at the pearly gates. St. Peter says to the first man, You can’t go in, in life you were an alcoholic. In fact you loved liquor so much you married a woman named Sherry.
Then St. Peter says to the second man. You can’t go in, in life you were too greedy. In fact you loved money so much you married a woman named Penny.
The last guy turns to his wife and says, “I don’t think I am going to make it, Fanny.”
Jock, the painter, often would thin his paint so it would go further. So when the Church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Jock was able to put in the low bid, and got the job. As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.
One day while he was up on the scaffolding – the job almost finished – he heard a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened.
The downpour washed the thinned paint off the church and knocked Jock off his scaffold and onto the lawn among the gravestones and puddles of thinned and worthless paint.
Jock knew this was a warning from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: “Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?”
And from the thunder, a mighty voice: “REPAINT! REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!”
Three nuns werte standing in line at the pearly gates. St Peter told them “before we let you in, you each need to answer a skill-testing religious question”.
He asked the first nun: “who made the Garden of Eden?”
The first nun, with a happy smile, replied: “Oh, that’s an easy one! God did!” - and a heavenly light shone, a host of angels sang, and the pearly gates swung open for the first nun.
He asked the second nun: “Who made Adam and Eve?”
The second nun, with a happy smile, replied: “Oh, that’s an easy one! God did!” - and a heavenly light shone, a host of angels sang, and the pearly gates swung open for the second first nun.
He asked the third nun: “What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?”
The third nun, with a worried frown, replied: “Ooooohhh, that’s a hard one …” - and a heavenly light shone, a host of angels sang, and the pearly gates swung open …
IMHO, Don Novello has some of the funniest religious jokes. If you can invest 5 minutes in a YouTube video, this one is a classic.
A black guy and a white guy are driving down the road together. They get into an argument. “Jesus Christ was a white man,” says the white guy. “No,” says the black guy, “Jesus Christ was a black man.” “Impossible!” says the white man. “In all of the paintings he’s white.” “That’s just racism, man,” says the black man. “He has to be black.” They continue to argue in this way for some time. The argument gets progressively more heated, until they’re arguing so vigorously that the driver stops paying attention, runs a stop sign, and they get run over by a truck and killed.
They appear at the gates of Heaven, wherein St. Peter asks them if they’re prepared to meet the Lord Jesus. They both answer “Yes,” and St. Peter says, “Wait here, I’ll go get him!” As St. Peter walks away, the black guy nudges the white guy and whispers “I guess we’ll know for certain real soon, won’t we?”
After a few seconds there is a chorus of trumpets, a cloud of smoke, and a blinding white light… they can only see Jesus’ outline. He appears before them, extends his arms, and exclaims…
…¡Buenos Dias amigos!
n/m
Frisbeetarianism: the belief that when you die, your soul flies up to the roof and gets stuck.
How do we know that Jesus was Puerto Rican?
His name was Jesus!
How many Amish people does it take to change a light bulb?
CHANGE???