I thought a putz was a penis.
Overheard during the Crucifixion:
“Hey Jesus, could you cross your legs? I’ve only got one nail left.”
(I’ll smoke a turd in Purgatory for that one.) 
What did Jesus say to the three-legged dog?
Nothing, because joke threads aren’t allowed. 
Not quite a Jesus joke:
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?”
The drunk answers, “Yes, I am.”
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, “Brother, Have you found Jesus?”
The drunk replies, “No, I haven’t found Jesus.”
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, “Have you found Jesus, my brother?”
The drunk again answers, “No, I haven’t found Jesus.” By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again—but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, “For the love of God, have you found Jesus?”
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?
A friend once challenged me to come up with some dead baby jesus jokes. In the end, I think I managed to come up with about 4 in the end, all of them incredibly offensive.
This was my favourite one:
<<WARNING, INCREDIBLY OFFENSIVE JOKE!!!>>
Why was baby jesus blue when he was born?
He suffocated on the hymen on his way out and died.
Oh, that was a great bit. I’d put it in the top 3 of his routines.
Off to Confession for even opening this thread :eek:
During a Sunday school class, little Kathy asked the teacher, “Where is Jesus?”
Thinking quickly, the teacher replied, “Well, when we face decisions every day about how to act, and how to treat others, the best advice often comes from your heart. So, you could say that Jesus is in our hearts.”
Little Johnny immediately raises his hand. “Yes, Johnny?” asked the teacher.
“Miss, I know where Jesus is!” said Johnny. “Jesus is in the bathroom!”
After the laughter died down, the teacher said, “And how do you know this?”
Johnny said, "I learned about it this morning. I saw Mama walk up to the bathroom door, and she pounded on it and said ‘Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!?’ "
Moses, Jesus and this really old guy are all golfing together. Moses tees off on the 18th hole and the ball heads straight for the lake. Just before it hits the water, he parts his hands and the water parts, allowing the ball to roll through onto the green.
Jesus then tees off and, just like Moses, hits his ball toward the lake. When the ball hits the lake it rolls right on top of the water and onto the green.
The old guy then tees off and hits his ball smack dab into the lake. As it sinks toward the bottom, a fish swallows up the ball and starts swimming away. Then a bald eagle grabs the fish out of the lake and starts flying upward, where it gets hit by a jet plane. The eagle drops the fish which lands on the green. It’s mouth is opened by the shock of landing on the ground and the ball rolls out and into the cup.
Jesus turns to look at the guy who made this incredible shot and said, “Nice shot, Dad.”
Bird Man tells this one, but for the punch line he just points to the middle of his hand and looks sad until the other people start laughing:
Bird Man → 
Other Guy → 
:o :eek: :smack: 
Peter, Paul and Jesus come down for a round of golf. They get up to the 12th hole, which is a hard dogleg to the left around a water hazard.
Jesus gets ready to tee off, looks at the dogleg and says, “You know, I was watching the Master’s on tv last week and Tiger Woods took a three-iron right over the water onto the green.” Paul shakes his head and says, “I’ve seen your ironwork. Better stick to the driver down the middle.”
Jesus says, “O ye of little faith”, then takes a mighty swing. The ball splashes dead center into the water hazard. JC looks in his bag and realizes he doesn’t have another ball and says, “I’ll play the lie.” He walks out on the surface of the water and starts looking for his ball.
The next foursome comes up behind them and sees this. One of the golfers runs up and says, “What is it with this guy? Does he think he’s Jesus Christ or something?”
Peter replies, “No, he thinks he’s Tiger Woods.”
I know that one with St Peter and God playing golf together; St Peter is regularly doing his play while God performs this shot you describe, and Peter says: “All right, boss, do we want to be silly or do we want to play golf?”
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang up a picture of Jesus.
We’ve got lots of names for it.
Literally, I think, it means jewels. I hadn’t known that, so it was quite a shock walking around Salzberg Austria seeing shops selling shmucks all over the place!
So “family jewels” isn’t just an English idiom? Interesting. I shall have to look that up.
(Don’t mind me, I’m an etymology nut. Go back to your regularly scheduled hilarity.)
Johnny was generally a decent student, but had trouble in arithmetic, and thus tended to goof off during lessons on addition and subtraction. Since the public schools weren’t getting through to him in this one crucial respect, Johnny’s parents decided to send him to Catholic school and see if the nuns could break through.
On the day he began attending Our Lady of Perpetual Help, Johnny came home, immediately went into his room with his math book, and began reviewing his lessons. No TV, no comic books, no video games – nothing but studious devotion. When his mother called him for supper several hours later, she asked what had come over her son. Johnny replied: “Once I walked into that classroom and saw the dude hanging from the plus sign, I knew this place wasn’t fooling around!”
Schmuck, Putz, Shvantz - same meaning, varying coarseness. In fact, there are probably as many yiddish words for ‘penis’ as there are Eskimo words for snow.
Only makes sense, what other culture has the confidence to cut off an inch before they know how long it’s going to be. ba-dum-kshhh
Two bees are flying around Bethelem and one complains about not finding any flowers. The other bee says not to worry, that across town there’s a big celebration going on with lots of people, holy men, kings of orient, frankincense a baby who’s screaming like someone cut off the end of his putz and spread from the best deli in town. “Fresh fruit to die for.” The first bee thanks the second bee and askes about the odd little cap he’s wearing. “Oh this? I didn’t want people to think I was a wasp.”
Jesus Saves…Moses Invests.
;j