What religion has the best relocation package in Afterlife

Although my title appears to be a little humoristic, I do need information about religions in order to get the best deal. Christianity, Islam and Judaism have this resurrection of the dead. I guess this means that we have to die, before getting to Paradise:eek: Are there any shortcuts in this?
Christians and Jews seem to live 1000 years in their corpses singing Gospels. I suppose I’m not likely to make this choir. Watching Achmed the Dead Terrorist several times, I know that Muslims may have some feminine company with them. A little chauvinistic, but tempting at the same time. Does anyone know a better offer? Are there any manuals on Christian afterlife?

Moved MPSIMS --> IMHO (on its way to heaven, no doubt).

Mormons have a good afterlife. It’s hard to get into Hell (The Outer Darkness) unless you really work at it. There are three degrees of heavenly glory, and if you get into the top slot you have a shot at becoming God of your own Creation.

Well, with atheism, you only get to lie in the ground and rot (or do whatever it is ashes do once scattered), but you can sleep in on Sundays.

Can’t beat 72 virgins…

Of course you can. 72 sluts. What good is a virgin?

Not only that , but they stay virgins.
“Now that that’s finally over with, we can have some fun…waitaminnit, the damn thing grew back!?”

… what if they are all like Sister Mary Kathleen from St. Ignatius?

Sounds easy. Do you know, whether Mormons have several reincarnations like in Hinduism? IIRC Moroni used to be some warrior, an angel and a prophet:confused: Or is it just a one way ticket? What about the wives - can you leave the meaner ones behind when you resurrect? Is swapping allowed?

LDS don’t do reincarnation. Moroni was a human warrior who became an “exalted personage” and, by LDS beliefs, later appeared to Joseph Smith as an angel. They don’t believe that you get reborn after a life on earth (although they do have a belief in a pre-birth pre-existence that I don’t know of any other Western religion having. Maybe you heard about this and that’s what made you think about reincarnation.)
I don’t mean to put anyone’s beliefs down. I may speak in a flip fashion about beliefs, but it’s not intended to be dismissive. Just because I don’t share their beliefs is no reason to denigrate anyone’s beliefs. I think everyone has a right to go to Hell* in their own handbasket.

*or Heaven

In scripture (NT) some will die (fall asleep), the raised from the dead to be with Christ but some will be taken up in the air to be with Christ directly.

Well, Valhalla has endless feasting, drinking, carousing, and fighting going for it. Of course, that’s only passing the time until the end of the world when you’re destined to fight in a war you’re going to lose, but while it lasts it’s probably a hell of a lot more interesting than floating around on a cloud playing a harp.

Well, this may sound cool, but I’ve already tried it. I mean your body comes with a liver. After two weeks…

I can’t speak for Jews, but there are a lot of different Christian interpretations of how and when the dead body gets reunited with the soul. If you prefer, you can embrace the notion that you’ll be in a state of perfect contentment until your body catches up with you, and after that you’ll have both physical perfection and perfect contentment.

Of course, the other way of reading that is that you’ll only think you’re having a good time until your body finally catches up with you. You can hope the Rapture happens during your lifetime, but there’s the sticky matter of surviving the end days.

“I mean, generally you tired even of turkey by about day four…” --Pterry, Interesting Times

… you, what, die of liver failure? You’re dead, dude!

That losing the final battle thing only counts if they play that old time Ragnorak and Roll before I get there. Gandalf ain’t the only one that can do the “Thou shall not pass” thing. I’ll make Loki my bitch.

NSFW story about afterlives: [noparse]http://www.asstr.org/~osteele/different/rapture.html[/noparse]

Flying Spaghetti Monsterism (FSM-ism) has beer volcanoes and a stripper factory in its afterlife.

Where do I sign up?