Sounds like you’re in a period of major transition. That can be scary–especially going through school. FWIW, your job sounds so cool. [From what I glean reading your posts, you are a scientist who works with mouses?]
Well. I don’t feel I have a lot to rant about. As usual starting about 11pm, I’m swimming in a vast ocean of free-floating anxiety, the nagging feeling that I’m forgetting to worry about something and if I don’t worry about it, the entire world will fall apart while I’m busy enjoying life. It didn’t help that I read that thread about issuing abortion certificates for fetuses and I turned to my husband and said, “I don’t understand. I think I’m a compassionate person. I love people. I cry watching The Simpsons for Chrissake. But when it comes to this issue, I feel almost nothing. Every argument seems reasonable to me. I don’t care about abortion and I feel bad for not caring.”
His response: “I refuse to discuss things like this after 10pm. If you’re not going to carry me to bed, I’m going without you.”
Yeah, well. Easy for him to say. He’s not a raving lunatic of an insomniac philosopher.
But that’s… it’s all inconsequential. There’s something deeper lying underneath my experience of life lately.
Let me tell you how this February has been so far… I had my wisdom teeth removed, and they found an infection. I missed over a week of class–not the fun “eating ice cream and watching TV” kind of week–the “moaning in pain and sleeping and hovering over the toilet” kind of week. I spent all of last week scrambling to recover the work I missed to prepare for my exam tonight. Then I got called for Jury Duty–still in pain from the surgery. So this week I’ve been on Jury Duty while trying to study for this exam (missing all the class review sessions for it.) Meanwhile my research director is getting kind of nervous because I hadn’t made much progress on this month’s coding task, and I am hell-bent on impressing the hell out of her with my research aptitude (that doesn’t mean I have any–this semester is my first experience–and maybe my only shot at pre-grad school research work.) Then came Valentine’s Day. While my teeth (or lack thereof) are hurting less, I have come down with a horrible cold. We had to cancel Valentine’s Dinner so I could sleep. Then today… the Exam. Could have gone a lot worse. I’m thinking B+/A-/A range–no idea. I’m a perfectionist. I resent that I spent every spare moment of my time studying for this test but am still falling short of the mark. I feel pressure in this class–I’m slow at math. This is my last semester of undergraduate school–my last chance to shine, my last chance to make the “With Honors” cut at graduation.
So this is when it hit me. I was scrambling about somewhere and I remember thinking, “OMG this month sucks but it will all be over once my Exam’s done with, then I can catch up on all the class I missed and relax…” But I thought more and more about it. There is no relaxing in my future. Now that the STATS exam is over, we have to do a group project worth 20% of our grade. My coding is almost done, but after Spring Break I will have a shitload of data entry to do. No matter what happens, no matter where I go in life, this is my reality. I have cried out to the Universe for a freakin’ break, a chance to catch my breath–believe me, I have suffered, I have worked harder for this degree than anything I have ever worked for in my life. I spent 8 months putting together a petition to the University of Michigan Board of Academic Standards to get back into school after my year-long withdrawal due to severe, debilitating depression and anxiety. And after I got back in, I somehow managed to get back on scholarship. Not because this shit fell in my lap, no. Because I’ve been killing myself in the interest of getting it done… and I’ve done it.
And that’s my point, maybe.
I just had this total “aha” moment where I realized for whatever reason, this is the way it was meant to be. Hell, maybe this is the way I’m most happy–because I get a humongous amount of satisfaction out of doing things that are hard–I live for doing what seems impossible–even when what’s impossible to me is second nature to most people. Every time this stuff happens, I get tougher, smarter, more determined, and become less of a pansy. Every time I face these hardships, I get a little less whiny and a little more confident.
In the last week, despite all of this craziness, the fact that I’m dripping snot and my jaw is killing me and the fact that no amount of work on STATS will ever make it come easy for me… goddamn it, I’m so content. I’m so satisfied with everything I have. I spent Valentine’s Day with my woozy head in my husband’s lap while he played Final Fantasy XII. It was PERFECT. I sneezed and wheezed and stressed and twittered throughout my entire exam. It was PERFECT. As I was driving home, I realized how happy I am with the apartment complex I live in. I felt afraid, but I felt awe at the fear–awe that it is universal how terrifying life is and has the potential to be, that we all share this insanity that is human existence. For the first time in my life, fear was a blessing–worrying that things will go bad means things are going good. As I spent another night wheezing on the couch, I realized how much I freakin’ love my cat and I celebrated my beautiful husband and my perfect life.
So yeah… no complaints here. For real.