So, having just listened to the version of “Imagine” done by A Perfect Circle, I’ve realized that some of the things in that song (or, at least, suggested by the video) are downright creepifying. Not the least of which is the idea that there’s nothing beyond this life and around the world, a great many people seem to be almost pathologically making it harder and less pleasant for their peers. This could very easily tie into one of Lovecraft’s purported fears: that humanity simply isn’t noticed by the cosmic forces, that we don’t matter as more than momentary annoyances, if that.
And then I began to wonder what keeps everyone else up at night. The things that inspire and compel and terrify, in whatever way they choose to interpret it.
So my question: what scares you? And, more than that, what do you do with that? Do you attempt to outrun or avoid your fears? Do you attempt to take them on, conquer or destroy them? Do you attempt to embody them?
Clowns. I’m not being even a little ironic. It’s full on, Bart Simpson “Can’t sleep, clown will eat me” fear. No, I have no idea why, they just creep the hell out of me.
I’m afraid of civil unrest if we run into “mechanical troubles” in certain voting precints on Tuesday or if for some reason legitimate votes are tossed out. I didn’t sleep well last night thinking about this possibility.
“With Great power comes great Irresponsibility”
Also, the idea that there might be a 6’1 man in a scary rabit costume standing still in my bedroom while I’m in bed facing away from the middle of the room at night, in the dark.
Or, A scary man in a black suit and hat with a white face hiding in all my mirrors.
Or a man in a red and black stripey jumper and hat with scissor-gloves wiating for me in my dreams!
That I’ll be meeting with someone really important, and I’m carrying something…And it spills. I drop the important Mcguffin, It breaks…everythings ruined.
I’m a very clumsy person.
Alright, here’s one of mine: crawling insects. I think Hell for me would be a place where tiny little insects are always crawling over me. That this happened to someone who offended Delirium in the Sandman books doesn’t help.
Darkness (I have a very vivid imagination that never lets up), flying insects (only the ones with stingers, but honeybees are alright), and the ocean (at night, should I be in the water alone more than 10 feet off the shore).
I’m scared of a lot of things, but my greatest fear is probably prolonged torture. I used to spend way too much time imagining what it was like for all the poor souls of the inquisition and other horrible fates. I can’t see a movie with people suffering horribly and remain detached from it–even stupid movies like The Cell. I think about all the real people who have suffered horribly, and how any one of us, including me, could suffer, and it freaks me right the fuck out.
Last night we attempted to be in a Halloween mood by watching a countdown of scariest moments. They showed that scene in Misery where she slams a sledgehammer into his ankles. The fact that there are people on this earth that have endured things like that, and worse than that, scares the everloving shit out of me. I jump from Misery to Jack the Ripper and the Holocaust and Guantanamo Bay. I am deeply affected by it and it makes me feel physically ill.
I used to get really worked up about it and lose sleep, but I’ve learned to cope. I deal with my fear by trying not to think about it, and reminding myself that the statistical odds of me being tortured are really low. I avoid shows that feature pain and agony. I watch mostly comedies. (When I realized this countdown wasn’t fun at all, we switched the channel to The Soup. I felt better by bedtime.)
Organization. Wha?! Yes, organization. Let me explain.
When the left half of my brain has to cooperate with the right half and impose order on a messy situation - and that can be anything from drafting a report to putting away freshly washed clothing - it’s liable to choke. Just shut down in a kind of cognitive panic attack, leaving the right brain clueless and spinning wildly.
Even if I know the task can be done, I suddenly will have no idea how it should be done. Prior knowledge suddenly makes no sense; every task is uniquely complex. At that point I begin flipping out - sweats, agitation, compulsive carbo-loading/drinking/fidgeting, or just pulling all the wires and going down for a stress nap.
Unfortunately, the only real relief I find is in procrastination, which rewards not addressing the behavior, just running away at full speed, and ensures that I will still be mostly choked when time runs out and I finally kick into crisis mode and get working.
