There’s some minor disagreement in this thread over what kids should be taught about interaction with strangers.
Some think that the teaching of “stranger danger” makes kids’ lives poorer and may keep them from getting help when they need it (one post quotes an article where a kid lost in the woods hid from rescuers because he feared being abducted). Others counter that the danger is non-zero, even if it is rare, and that it’s irresponsible to just let your kids blindly trust some random dude on the street in a white van — that leads to tragedies like the subject of that thread’s OP.
Almost everyone that you encounter on a daily basis is a stranger. Those people at the grocery store? Strangers. Those kids at the park? Strangers. That cashier at Target? A stranger.
It is ridiculous to tell kids not to talk to strangers or not deal with them, as they have to all the time. I tell my kids to know how to interact with strangers, how to ask questions, have transactions, or get information. Talking with strangers is a good and necessary thing.
But… I also tell them not to go anywhere with anyone without getting my permission. We also talk about what information is okay to give out, and what is not. And of course we talk about good and bad touches, and to talk to me if anyone makes them feel uncomfortable.
But kids are the ‘free range’ type, and they are always going by themselves to the store, biking to soccer practice alone, etc. They interact with strangers daily and are well behaved, responsible kids. I hate that so many parents these days are over-protective of their kids, and don’t let them explore. The give their kids no responsibility, then complain they are irresponsible. Don’t teach them how to do things, then complain they can’t do things. Drives me nuts!
I teach my kid to ask permission before going off alone with anyone he doesn’t know, and if he is ever lost or otherwise needs help from a stranger, to choose a stranger to help them, rather than allow a stranger to choose them.
It’s okay to talk with strangers. It is not okay for them to touch you or for you to go outside or in a car with them.
One of my saddest memories was seeing a 3 or 4 year old boy all alone in the grocery, walking around obviously looking for someone and nobody stopping to help him. I went over and ask him if he needed help. “I’m here with my grandma and can’t find her.” I said “Come with me to the information desk and they’ll help you find her.” He walked with me and I explained to the person what was going on. They paged his grandmother, and all ended well.
Anyone could have taken that poor child out of the store cause people are too scared to help a lost kid.
Contrary to the “look for someone in a uniform” advice, I go with, “Look for a mommy with children.” A mom will treat a lost kiddo like one of her own and not leave until the job’s done.
Mom with kids is good, and certainly more commonly avaliable than a cop, but to my mind the key is that the kid actively chooses someone to help.
Chances of the kid randomly choosing a predator are significantly more minute than the (already minute) chances of a predator targeting the kid. Even if the kid just picks out some random dude.
Don’t go anywhere with a stranger.
Don’t take anything or give anything to a stranger.
Don’t do anything a stranger tells you to do.
Don’t tell a stranger any information about yourself.
Don’t be alone with a stranger.
Don’t believe anything a stranger tells you.
Tell me about any encounters you have with a stranger.
I think for the most part, you should teach your kids to treat strangers the same way you do. With minor modifications based on their size and strength and appeal as a victim.
I read this excellent book to my sort of stepdaughter. Through the eyes of a rather literal minded boy it explores the role of common sense in applying the rules about strangers. The first thing Joe does on hearing about stranger danger is to get into trouble for ignoring a visitor to his classroom and it goes on from there.
The one thing I don’t think anyone else in the thread has mentioned is watch out for people who are over friendly and seem to want to give you something for nothing, you don’t want to be under obligation.
I teach my kids that strangers are people, and some people are good and some people are bad, and that they (my kids) should trust their gut. Studies show that people’s instant judgements about other people’s trustworthiness are almost always correct. We might misjudge details, but we’re hard wired as social animals to get trust/don’t trust right. Where we tend to go wrong is not trusting in our ability to do so.
I teach them that they are welcome to blame me in any way that will help them get out of or avoid trouble, whether that’s with strangers or friends. “No, I can’t smoke dope, my mom is psycho and drug tests me every week.” (I don’t.) “No, I can’t go with you, my mom is in that store and she’ll be out any second.” “No, if I give you my address, my mom will be really mad.” “No thanks, I can’t smoke a cigarette, my mom’s allergic and can smell it a mile away.” Whatever. They are very welcome to lie and make me into a caricature of a mean mom if it will help them out.
My daughter and I recently watched one of those “What Will Your Kids Do?” specials where they used hidden cameras and an actor with a lost puppy story to try to lure kids away from the playground. She was appalled that any of the kids bought it; I haven’t specifically covered that scenario in the past, but apparently it was brought up in school. She said to me, “Why don’t they tell the man to ask a grown up to help him find his puppy?” I gave her a high five.
We do have a safe word so that if I do need to send an emergency friend or colleague she doesn’t know to pick her up from somewhere, she can trust them. It occurs to me that we should review that though, 'cause we haven’t talked about it in a while.
My talks about abduction and rape/molestation are separate talks, as it’s more likely that not-a-stranger will do those things than a stranger.
This is also what I tell my son. A mommy or daddy with children right there with them. I don’t want him to be afraid of people. I just tell him that a mommy or daddy will understand how scared we feel to not be able to find each other because they have kids of their own.
