What the hell is Voodoo Queen Cleo thinking?

I’ll answer the title question before my rant. She’s thinking “How can I make as much much money as I can if I have no scruples?”

See, I was watching the Food Network and they kept playing Psychic Friends-esque commercials with more or less the following dialogue (I’m conflating two commercials into one rant)

(For full effect, you must read Voodoo Queen Cleo’s lines with a bad, fake, spooky Jamacian accent that she keeps losing (hence the “Voodoo Queen” nickname I’ve given her. She sounds like a bad comic-book villain), both the bimbos (who I have joined into one composite character) have incredulous, yet husky tones connoting both horniness and incredible brainlessness)

Voodoo Queen Cleo: You be callin’ to find out something about your baby. Dat’s true, ain’t it.

Incredulous Bimbo: <gasp> How-did-you-know!?

Voodoo Queen Cleo: You need to know who de father of dat baby is.

Incredulous Bimbo: <gasp> THAT’S RIGHT!

Voodoo Queen Cleo: And you’ livin’ wit’ a guy who ain’t de baby’s papa. Ain’t dat right?

Incredulous Bimbo: <gasp!> My GOD. It’s like you are READING my MIND!!

Voodoo Queen Cleo: De man you be livin’ wit’. He got a violent temper, don’t he?

Incredulous Young Bimbo: <GASP> He IS violent a lot! You are SOOOOooo good!

Voodoo Queen Cleo: I don’t be likin’ you livin wit’ dat mon. I want to see you outta dat relationship in…four months.

Incredulous Young Bimbo: Oh thank you Voodoo Queen Cleo!

My rant:
FOUR MONTHS? With someone who’s “violent”? I don’t expect anything resembling honesty from a dial-up psychic, but simple human decency will prompt anyone to advise the Incredulous Young Bimbo to get out NOW if he’s violent. What the hell are they thinking? What kind of vile sleeze would shill for such a company?

Yes, I understand that the caller(s) are fictional, and that Phone Psychics are, at best, frauds or scam artists or worse. But my gripe is: what kind of scum advertises that she’ll tell battered women to stick it out longer? Yes, many battered women want to hear this message, but to advertise that you’ll give them that message is like a tavern advertising that they’ll accept Alcholics Anonymous tokens in lieu of payment.

This Cleo bitch (or whatever organization she’s the spokesthing for) is one of the most disgusting scum I’ve ever had the misfortune to see. I put her in the same catagory of shit-on-two-legs that I put a New Mexico lawyer who used to have TV advertisements that he could keep drunk drivers “out of jail and on the road”.

Truly disgusted,

Fenris

She is the worst of them all!
“I see the King of Cups in your tarot. You’re sleeping around on your man!”

“That’s right!”

WTF???
The worst thing is that she comes off as an “advisor”, rather then an entertainer (which I believe she is). She acts like a friend for $3.99 a minute. That’s $239 an hour!! Get a shrink for that kind of money! They’ll listen to your problems and offer some solutions. For that kind of cash, they’ll probobly help you make a voodoo doll if that’s really what you’re inclined to do.

Zette

I think she might be considered a little cartoonish and offensive to some, like Jamacians, but she’s funny. I love the commercial when she tells the girl to stay away from the short “mon” with no money in his pocket. Pretty good advice in my book.

Needs2know

Isn’t there one where she tells some skank who’s unsure who the father of her baby is, which guy it is?

Try to get that to stand up in Probate Court.

“Uh, no, Your Honor. We didn’t have paternity testing. The Voodoo Queen told me he was the father with tarot cards, over the phone.”

When I think that there are people out there who don’t do this for laughs, but who actually guide their life around what they are told in these sessions, chills run up and down my spine. With my luck, such people will be deciding my fate on a jury someday or something.

“I see the Four of Wands here. He’s guilty.”

This may just be a dirty rumor, but I’ve heard through the grape vine that my boss makes policy decisions based on what the tarot cards tell her. No wonder this place is going to hell in a handbasket.

You’ve got to remember one thing. The actual people who are going to use this ‘service’ are the same lot who have regular alien abductions. They need to be separated from their money, and for these folks, slipping out of a violent relationship within four months is something good. If you’re a rational person, like Fenris, its indefencable to give that advice.

‘Hey mon, ya shiny ship drop stra’ outta da sky, mon.’

I do tarot readings at an occult store in my area. I think Cleo and the rest of them on television are full of shit. They look at each card and instantaneously, they know something. It takes me a bit more time than that, but I also do a clearer reading. ALSO, I don’t just try to feel my way around with questions and reading body language.

I’ve seen and humiliated carny type psychics. I know many will think I’m a scam artist for the simple act of charging for tarot readings. But, none of my customers have been unhappy… they have come back and said that what I saw for them was accurate(with some small inaccuracies), and I get repeat business. I will say though, when they come to me and it is obvious they need a therapist, I do refer them to one.