My 9YO daughter got into a discussion last night with her 18YO sister. They were talking about a date older sister has tonight. 9YO says:
“Joshua’s in love with you!”
Her sister says: “No, not in love with me; he just really likes me”
“Well, are you in love with him?”
“No, I just really like him”
“So what’s the difference?”
“Mom?!?!? She wants to know what being in love is!”
So I used the traditional parental dodge of telling her it was past her bedtime (which it was), and we can discuss it after school tomorrow, which would be today.
Now, my youngest is kind of a geek. She likes to analyze things scientifically. So I’d like to approach this from angles of what exactly happens to your brain chemistry when you are in love. However, any other advice would also be greatly appreciated! The conversation is only about six hours away!
If psychology is science-y enough, look up Sternberg’s triangular theory of love. I agree with it at least, that “true” or consummate love involves passion, intimacy, and commitment. 18 year olds that like each other and go on dates are probably lacking the commitment part.
I’m copying this next part from Wikipedia because I’m too lazy to find my neuroscience textbook:
when people fall in love, the brain consistently releases a certain set of chemicals, including pheromones, dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin, which act in a manner similar to amphetamines, stimulating the brain’s pleasure center and leading to side effects such as increased heart rate, loss of appetite and sleep, and an intense feeling of excitement. Research has indicated that this stage generally lasts from one and a half to three years.
But honestly, I think love can’t be viewed only from a scientific standpoint. All the components of love are scientific or psychological but to me it can’t be explained just by talking about chemicals and whatnot.
I actually agree with this, and if the “scientific” answer doesn’t satisfy her curiosity for now, we’ll delve deeper into such territory as “crushes”, “romance” and what have you. But I know that the science is what she’ll want first, 'cause she’s her father’s daughter!
“It’s what happens when you eat chocolate. Now, Big Sis doesn’t love Josh yet, so if I offered her chocolate if she would agree to stop dating him, she’d take the chocolate. When she’s in love, she’ll turn it down.”
See, I’m the mean mom. In my house, I don’t give answers for stuff like this, I give them leads, make them figure it out and tell me their conclusions. What is love? Well, science has some stuff to say about it: go google!
What is love? What does Shakespeare have to say about that? What does Milton think? How 'bout Eleanor of Aquitaine? L’il Kim?
What is love? Plato had a few thoughts on the topic. So did Machiavelli.
What is love? Closer to home, Dinsdalehas some ideas on whether or not dogs feel love. What does Mom and Dad’s love look like? What does her love for her sister feel like? What does it mean when the newspapers gush over the Obama’s “obvious” love for each other? Is loving a person the same as loving a television show or loving pizza?
What is love? Man, I could get a whole semester of homeschooling out of that topic!
Just out of curiosity, I googled What Is Love? Got some music, some movies, a Time magazine article about the science of love and “How To Tell When You’re In Love” for teens. Nothing NSFW on the first page, at least.
Well, it’s really nice out this afternoon, plus she’s been busy catching her snake who escaped a few days ago, but we found him in the laundry room. . .
So, so far, the topic hasn’t come up. I’m expecting it any time now, though.
I was once told by a friend that love is a chemical that fills our hearts, and once something goes awry, it “breaks” and it leaks away.
At the time…I thought he was absolutely off his rocker, but reflecting on certain incidences, this is absolutely correct, romantic, shallowly based in science (though not really), and he was absolutely correct.
This may or may not be the way to go, but I really like said sentiment, as it is quite all-encompassing.
