“Get back, Slappyjack!”, to a sock as I was loading the dryer.
“Stay”, and then “Good box!” to a box I piled on top of another box this morning. It had already fallen off once because it was unbalanced. Just needed to be told, I guess.
I’ll still respect you in the morning.
Not the last, but one of my better ones …
My old microwave gave reminder beeps when someone left food inside after cooking. So it would beep when it was finished, then beep every minute thereafter until the door was opened.
Last year when I had the flu I decided to make a cup of tea. I wasn’t moving fast enough for the microwave, which started to beep. After the third reminder beep I rounded on the microwave and yelled “HEY! You work for me!”
In my fevered state I thought it was hilarious. 
to my car in the parking lot of Long John Silver
C’mon…
It was having problems staring.
i asked turtle (my incense holder which holds pencil shavings) if he’d be interested in going down to the city this weekend…
he’s a good friend of mine.
Hmm . . . I thanked my car for reminding me to remove my keys.
to make it look like someone was home. Came back at 7:00pm. Walked into the front door to see Bill Clintons huge head on my big screen TV staring me in the face.
“Bah! Get the #%K out of my house!”
click
I apologised to a wall after I walked into it. Must…sleep…more…often.
As has been my custom for many years upon returning home from a motorcycle ride. I pat the bike on the top of the headlight saying
“Good work. You did real well. Thanks”
“Come on…Mean old man won’t hurt you.” Said to my microwavable scented teddy bear just after my husband threw her across the room while he was preparing for bed.
I swore at an undergraduate paper that i was grading. The paper itself was not especially good or bad, it was just that i’ve graded quite a few today, i i’m fucking sick of it.
My most frequent conversations with an inanimate object generally involve swearing at my computer.
“Sweet God, I’m sorry!”
To my cell phone, after dropping it in a puddle.
“If you let me out I’ll never jump in you again” to the lift after an poorly planned gravity experiment this afternoon.