I don’t know, but it wouldn’t necessarily be a bad idea for us to find out, just in case.
I think that suing her would send all the wrong messages. She’s already in a half-assed power struggle with you. Injecting an adversarial legal issue into will just cement in her mind that you and she are opponents and not family. And that’s exactly the wrong message to send.
Yes, you’re her parents and you get to make some decisions for her. But no, you’re not so keyed up on it that you’ll bring in the law on her. If it’s gotten that far you should tell her to get her own apartment and you wish her luck.
Again, talk to a professional counselor about this. She’s already what, 16? so you don’t have a lot of time to get her straightened out before it’s either off to college or off flipping burgers. And I’d much rather have her in college than not.
Another biploar person checking in.
Before we get into punishments, though, I’d like to mention that if she’s on any SSRIs (Prozac, Wellbutrin, and others) keep an eye on her. I stopped taking my medication years ago because it made me fat, and suddenly I wasn’t breaking things, punching my friends, or having violent outbursts anymore. Now the FDA’a saying SSRIs can do really horrible things to people. I wish they had told me I’d gain 50 pounds and start hitting people I liked before I started taking it. I’m much better now, IMO.
But punishments. There have been some good suggestions, but I would definitely reccommend tailoring them to your daughter. You say it seems like she doesn’t care about anything anymore, but she probably does. Does she just veg out in her room all day? Then she’s probably doing something else besides laying on her bed (I hope- if she isn’t, I’d seriously consider changing her medication) like watching TV, reading, or listening to music. Watch her for a couple of days and figure out what she spends most of her time doing. Grounding was never a very effective punishment for me unless there was something going on that I was missing out on- a concert, a party, whatever. If there wasn’t anything particularly exciting going on, I didn’t really care, because I had my books, music, and TV in my room. If my parents had taken away my books and CD player I’d be begging for forgiveness by nightfall.
And I’d also like to stress the fact that you need to be there for her. Let her know that you are willing to listen. Shit, a couple family counseling sessions (if you don’t already go) might be a really good punishment, because she’ll hate it, but at the same time you’re letting her know you care. My parents never showed affection, never really spoke to me (I just heard about how this wasn’t good enough or I needed to do that) and when I was diagnosed at 16 they just bought me the medication and drove me to therapy (and then didn’t listen to the therapist’s suggestions) and expected me to get better. Ooh it makes me mad, and I really hate my mother, but I think most of my behavioral and emotional problems would have been either averted or much easier to deal with had I gotten support from my parents. So whatever punishment you choose, make sure you let her know that you love her. I can’t remember my parents saying that until I was in high school (to this day, my father’s only said it once) and I really resent them for that. I see my friends saying “I love you” to their family when they get off the phone or leave the house, and I’m really jealous. So tell her. She’ll probably roll her eyes at you, but the alternative is raising a kid like me who harbors this rage towards her mother and doesn’t know why.
The “Hanging out with interesting people and forget/don’t bother to go to class” thing is a fairly common problem at community colleges, even among non-problem students. I got some not-so-great grades for the semester or two it took me to get over that (am currently a straight-A student at a major university). She needs to realize that the people will probably still be there when she gets out of class, and if they’re not, they’ll be there tomorrow.
One suggestion I have, should she continue at the community college, is to get yourself copies of the class syllabi. Either have her pick up an extra for you, or Xerox her copy, or request one from the teacher, or whatever. This way you will have an idea of what the workload of the class is, and what assignments are due when, as well as (usually) the teacher’s name and contact information.
We had a few problems with our daughter not doing her work at about this age. Our circumstances were not very similar, but I do have a few suggestions…
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Take the door to her room off its hinges. Put the door in the hallway where she can see it every time she passes by. She can change her clothes in the bathroom. This is of course assuming that she has decent nightwear to wear. Teenage girls LIVE for privacy from their parents. Your reason for doing this is so that you can keep an eye on her.
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Rethink the decision about allowing her to work. This will punish you as well as her, but her FIRST priority is to get her attitude straightened out. Her second priority has to be getting her schooling done. If you do allow her to work, I’d take a hefty portion of her paycheck (personally, I’d take about 90% after taxes) which would go first to paying off that long distance bill, and then towards paying off the college debt, then into a car insurance fund.
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Write up a list of things that she can be grounded for. There’s the TV, CD player, computer, phone, etc. Grounding doesn’t have to be total…for instance, if she has a TV in her room, remove the plug (not very difficult) or move that TV into storage. However, she can still watch the family TV…but she doesn’t get to pick the programs. So, if she wants to watch Program A, she can only watch it if someone else wants to watch it, and she can only watch it in the family/living room. If other people want to watch Program B on the family TV, she’s out of luck. If you DO ground her, write down what she’s grounded from. Also write down the length of time or the circumstances which will lift the ground. For instance, she could be grounded from the TV for 2 months OR if she completes a self-study course before that she can have the grounding lifted. You can also make a grounding completely dependent upon fulfilling a condition, like the aforementioned study course. Expect major eyerolling here.
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Definitely look into the alternative schooling. Some of them have excellent programs, while others are not so great.
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<evil persona kicking in> Leave military school brochures lying around. I have no idea if there are such things as military schools for girls, but if there ARE, I might seriously consider such a school.</ep>
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My daughter joined the JROTC as a freshman in high school, and it was one of the best things that she could have chosen. I wasn’t too thrilled with this choice, but I allowed it, figuring it was better for her to learn what the military was all about before she enlisted or got a commission as an adult. The JROTC gave her a good deal of focus, and she simply worshipped her teacher. All through high school, we heard “Major Merriweather says…”, and that was not a bad thing. Major Merriweather had a lot of good sense, and he was a good role model for his students. Having a positive adult role model is ALWAYS a good thing for a teenager. It doesn’t have to be a JROTC officer, nearly any good teacher will do. I think that your daughter desperately needs someone to look up to, and someone who she wants to please. This could be an art director, or the choir teacher.
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If your family is at all religious, you might consider taking her to your place of worship to join the choir there.
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If you’re not already doing a family counselling thing, you might want to try that. It might be one of the conditions of lifting one of her groundings.
I wish you luck. The teenage years are hard enough on both parents and children without having bipolar disease to cope with, too. I’m glad to know that you’re at least trying to deal with the situation. So many people seem to give up on their kids. It’s great to see someone who is actively seeking ways to work things out.
I think that in 10 years or so, you and your daughter will be friends, even though that seems unlikely now.
Hi - former problem teen here. You’re on the right track, Mom. I was a problem to my mother and my daughter was a problem to me (I think it may be hereditary or it’s just my Mom’s curse “I hope you have children just like you!”). I went to boarding school for the structure I needed - it was the only way I got through high school. My daughter was much like me - she quit school at 17 (I should have sent her to boarding school!) and left home. Her problem, and mine as a teen, was drugs. Have you tested your daughter for the non-bipolar type drugs? I know nothing about bi-polar disease, but suspect your daughter may be experimenting (I also was moody and forgot about class when high, as did my daughter). Ask your doctor to test her, or you can purchase the drug tests at a pharmacy, although her prescriptions may distort the results.
A promising note: there is light at the end of the tunnel. She will not always be 16. We all grow up. I did. I am fine now (actually, I’m a lawyer - take that as you will), and my daughter is getting more fine all the time. She got a GED and is taking classes at a nearby college - on her own nickel. All it took was getting off those nasty drugs - which was a decision we each had to make on our own.
Good luck - and like my Mom always said to me, “This too shall pass!”
Wow! So much great input! It would take half the night to address each little point individually, as I would like to do; but I’m tired, so I’ll just touch on a few things.
Jonathan Chance, you have a good point about suing her; your point is definitely worth considering.
Seaworthy, getting her off meds is not an option right now. Without them (or even when she doesn’t take them properly), she is suicidal and self-mutilates. We do tell her we love her; we tell her a lot; we tell her even more when she doesn’t want to hear it. We are in family counseling, but it’s not very effective, because every time she feels like she’s being confronted, or she feels like she might actually have to work at something, she clams up completely. She won’t talk to anyone. She also has one-on-one therapy, and she consistently lies to her therapist.
Lynn Bodoni, taking the door off it’s hinges isn’t an option right now, because she shares a room with our 13-year-old, who also loves her privacy and hasn’t done a damned thing wrong. But, she doesn’t have a TV or stereo in her room (the most they have is a clock radio).
legalsnugs, it’s very helpful for me to hear from people who went through shit like this and came out the other side! Thank you for sharing! Oh, and as for the drugs, she has had a problem with them. She’s in NA and AA now, and we have her tested periodically.
When she came home this afternoon, I confronted her. She said she’d only missed a week of math, which I called bullshit on, because the letter was dated the 15th, which means he would have sent it out after her only missing two classes. When I pointed this out, she said she hasn’t been to class in “quite some time”. So, here’s what we’ve agreed on for now: hubby is going to call the board of ed tomorrow and see what alternative schooling is available. I don’t think boarding school is an option, cuz there’s no way in hell we could afford it; but alternative schooling might work. I don’t know, though, what provisions they have for the summer. So, until we get her into an appropriate alternative school environment, we are structuring her day. From the time she gets up, til the time she goes to bed, she will do what’s on the schedule. We will schedule time for her to use the phone and computer (supervised), and for her to socialize (also supervised). We explained to her that this is not a punishment. But she has proven to be either unwilling or unable to make good choices for herself, so we are going to deny her the opportunity to make her own choices. It’s that simple. She hates it, of course, and so do we. But our only other opetion would be to say “screw it; do what you want to do”, and we don’t see that as an option at all.
Thanks for all the advice, guys, I really appreciate it!
Two points from my own experience.
A) If the county has sufficient interest in your daughter their alternative boarding school will be free for you. And they keep them for summers and holidays if necessary and you approve.
B) I remember when I finally got the boom lowered on me it came as a relief.
You can’t sue any sort of minor in small claims court. They can’t legally enter into a contract therefore they can’t break a contract.
Haj
I think that the close supervision is really your best option, even though it will really be a burden on everyone involved. Let her know that you will consider revising the schedule if she needs more time for something you agree with. I have clinical depression, and a schedule certainly helps ME manage my illness when I’m having a bad spell.
I quite agree, taking the door off its hinges is not a good idea if she shares her room with a sibling.
I wish you luck in this. And again, I’m very glad to see a parent (both parents!) taking steps to correct bad behavior when it shows up. It WILL get better, especially since you’re taking matters in hand now.
I think there are some states that allow you to bring it before a family court judge, or a type of mediator though. I may be wrong, IANAL. Seems to me that a fellow student got taken to court by their parents over some bills, but they may have been 18 too.