What would you do (philanthropically) if you had Oprah Money?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Oprah’s recent building of a $40 million school in South Africa (as well as tens of millions in other donations) and Bill Cosby’s building of tens of millions of dollars worth of university libraries and other buildings and scholarship endowments and the millions given by other megamillionaire celebrities has me wondering: if you had their fortunes (assume- let’s say- a quarter billion or thereabouts, and you’ve already set yourself up so you can live as lavishly as you want for the rest of your life and so can your big heirs)- what would you do with it to “give back”?

A charity my mother asked her kids to form if any of us ever became that caliber rich (to date my siblings are moderately rich but not enough to do anything like that while my money is tied up in staying middle class) is the first that comes to mind for me: due to her own experiences with ageism when she had to re-enter the work force after a health related hiatus, she wanted a fund specifically geared to assist women “over a certain age” (let’s say- 45 or thereabouts- old enough to encounter ageism but far too young to think about retirement) pay their basic living expenses for up to 2 years while they returned to school to update/upgrade skills and or get a masters in order to be more competetive. She was extremely frustrated that she and many she knew (who through widowhood or divorce were suddenly single and behind the professional times) had to take humiliating salaries and or jobs because while they might be eligible for scholarships they couldn’t afford to pay their mortgage or rent while returning to school. I’d love to endow that charity with $100 million or so and name it in her honor (though the 80 foot tall statues would be of me).

I couldn’t care much less about endowing a professorship, though I’d have an unspectacular general scholarship fund for non-trad undergrads.

I’d buy College Bowl and make it a MAJOR deal with $100,000 prizes to each member of the Annual All-Star team and assistance with travel to unfunded teams (with embarassingly loud announcements that “XYZ UNIVERSITY’S PLAYERS ARE FUNDED BY THE SAMPIRO’S COLLEGE BOWL & 80 FOOT STATUES FUND AS XYZ UNIVERSITY CARES A HELL OF A LOT MORE ABOUT A SOCCER TEAM FILLED WITH FOREIGN BORN MEMBERS LIKE SAMPIRO’S COLLEGE DID AND COULDN’T CARE LESS ABOUT ACADEMIC COMPETITION, AND IN OTHER NEWS THE THING ON MY BACK POPPED. FOR A QUICK TEN POINTS…”. I love things that reward the kids (of any age) at any college who enjoy knowledge for its own sake- not enough is done for them- and one of my favorite moments in college was when my CB team (of which I was captain and lead player) whipped both Harvard and Princeton in Philadelphia (funded by a private grant from The Southern Company; the school newspaper had a front page article about the soccer team nobody gave a damn about but relegated us to a 1 paragraph pictureless blip on a back page).

I’d also spread this to high school students (called “Scholar’s Bowl” I think) and especially promote it in “non first-tier schools” (inner-city, rural, etc.). It’s been said that a lot of black kids eschew knowledge/learning because they’re ridiculed as “acting white”, but speaking as a former white kid it’s not a race thing: most white kids, at least in the schools I went to, make fun of other white kids who can name the wives of Henry VIII or tell you when Brigham Young was born just because they enjoy knowing it. Lots of kids of all races hide their lights under bushels in order to fit in (embarassed to admit that they like medeival literature or other academic subjects) and this is a way of rewarding them, and by putting money with it (top prizes: travel + full scholarship + $5,000 spending money or whatever) it would really help glamourize knowledge or at least make the snotty ignorant in-kids jealous.

I’d also, as I mentioned somewhere else, and just for vindictiveness, put aside a few mil just to pay the legal fees of anybody who is sued by Fred Phelps and his clan OR who wishes to sue them for a legitimate reason but can’t afford to; basically bankrupt the bastards by hoisting them on their own petards. And on the subject of vindictiveness, I’d pay a couple of full-time investigators to pull up dirt on all morals police or pundits I disliked and send the cream to all tabloids and news networks (not that there’s much difference) “free gratis”.

And I’d probably fund repertory theaters in cities that didn’t have them. Unfortunately the problem there is that it’s such an ongoing expense.

What would you do?

2

I’d create a low-income housing center that includes an education center, rehab, job center and other things to help people improve their standard of living. People living there would be required to get an education and learn a skill, and then get a job. There would be a time limit as to how long they could stay, since otherwise people would stay forever and no new people could take advantage of the place.

It would be a nice place, with lots of amenities, a place people would really enjoy living in and wouldn’t otherwise be able to afford.

3

A very cool idea. I never thought of anything like it.

I’m quite partial to Heifer Project International. It’s a little because it was a pet (har har) project of my dad’s, but also because they take animals and trees to people, and then teach them how to care for them and, possibly, develop a herd*. You can spend $500 on a heifer, or $30 on a beehive, and all the purchases include training for the recipients. Instead of sending a meal or a week’s worth of meals, you can send something that might help sustain a family for a long while. I’d probably give HPI a whole bunch of money. I’m sure I’d think of other stuff, but that’s the main one that comes to mind.

*Herd, of course, does not apply to the trees, as I’m sure someone will be along to point out.

4

Apparently, you’ve never been on a walnut ranch.

“Boy, those walnuts are really going through the hay.”

5

I’d like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony.

6

I abhor garbage in the streets and it is everywhere!!!

My little “when I win the lottery” idea is paying people good money to pick up litter…I don’t care about having a profit-making company doing this–I just want the trash picked up!! It would be a never-ending endeavor so I would have to set up some sort of annuity type account to keep it funded.

7

A “micro charity” is one that brings in less than $1 million per year.

(Yeah, really.)

Most nonprofits bring in substantially less than that, but do good and necessary work none the less.

Therefore, if I had the money, I’d set up a foundation that would help small nonprofits with loans and grants for marketing plans, equipment, staff, printing, fundrasing and all the other things that hamper them from doing the good work they do.

The most recent winner of the Nobel Prize, Muhammad Yunus, won it for making small loans to tiny businesses and individuals who want to start a business. The loans were for a few hundred dollars or less–often less than a hundred bucks. This points to the need for such loans in charity work. Yunus is an amazing success story.

The majority of charities are very, very small, but they are often on the front lines of very big needs, and can use all the help they can get.

And maybe I’d give an award for charities doing an extra good job, or tackling a problem that needs greater attention.

The people that do this kind of work get much praise from their stakeholders, but maybe a cash award would be possible as well. These unsung heroes work long hours and make great personal sacrifices we never hear about.

The big charities have no trouble blowing their own horns and spend too much on such self-promotion. We should look for such small charities locally and support them, too.

8

Stuff Like That, you missed the very best part about heifer.

Not only do they provide a breeding pair (ducks, geese, goats, cows - whatever), to build a herd, to third world women, (vastly improving the diet of their families and bringing in money).

Most importantly of all, and the reason they’d be on the top of my list too, is part of the deal is that once the heard is established the women are obligated to provide a breeding pair to another woman in need in their community. Your, no matter how meagre (they do bees!) donation never ends!

Truly, I cannot see how dollars could go further.

But if I had Oprah money I’d set up my own scholarships, free university educations for entire classes, if need be. To get the scholarship they need only come up with a workable creative solution for any of our problems. (I just can’t believe the answers to society’s ills will come from overfed, middle-aged, white, male, lawyers, if recent history is any indication.) Teenagers are wily and clever, and it seems like every other month a science fair student comes up with something or other the PHD’s didn’t even think of. Imagine what they might come up with given a whole term, a little direction and the promise of a free education!

9

While you guys are doing that, I’ll work on housing rehab. No-interest loans or grants to middle and low-income homeowners so they can repair roofs, install insulation, energy-saving windows, siding, update furnaces, etc.

I’d like to couple that with high school classes in the construction trades – electrical, carpentry, plumbing, etc.

I’d pay high school kids to help the elderly with home and yard maintenance, and I’d have workshops for homeowners so they can learn how to take care of their property.

Not sure what I’d do with slumlords though. Maybe try to get their properties condemned and then fix them up, if possible.

It just breaks my heart to see some of the places that people have to call home.

10

I would setup a scholarship fund for gay and lesbian students.

11

I’d put a lot of money towards music education in schools, starting with the poorest schools and all the way through to the most affluent.

I went to school in a squarely middle-class suburban school system and other than our sheet music library and wonderful teachers, our music education resources were crappy (crappy facilities, crappy instruments, crappy stands, crappy uniforms). I can only imagine how bad - or non-existent - it is for poorer schools.

Music education changed and enriched my life (I did not go on to do anything with music professionally, even), and I want every kid to be able to have the same opportunity.

I would also spend a lot of money helping out puppies and kitties. I am very interested in rescue-to-working-dogs programs.

12

Stop Female Genital Mutilation in various African countries by bribing 'em out of it. $500 to every woman over 15, at her marriage, if she’s not cut. This also has the nice side effect of getting a lot of money into the hands of women living in poor African countries, which can never be a bad thing.

Also, endow a foundation to investigate dowry deaths and “honour” killings and press for prosecutions in cases where the local authorities are unaccountably slack.

If I’ve got any money left after that I might use some of the rest on the traditional passtime of buying-I-mean-lobbying-for legislation that I like to be passed through parliament. Meeting our international obligations on global warming and refugees might be a good start

13

I’d study what kinds of college students typically matriculate on an athletic scholarship, and then I’d tailor a non-athletic scholarship. My goal would be to offer the opportunity but change the obligation from “win the Champeenship for Wattsamatta U” to “spend a reasonable amount of time studying for a meaningful non-athletic life.”

14

Myself, that’s a wonderful idea.

Starting with the programs in my area and spreading outward, I’d give mega-bucks to the pre-schools, public schools, and after-school programs that serve low-income children. I’d make them as well-funded and welcoming as the toniest Montessori school in the wealthiest neighborhood in town. The teachers would be well-paid and well-trained; they wouldn’t lack for any material resources; they’d have money for art and music projects; there would be a very low student-to-teacher ratios. They’d also all have gardens where the kids could grow their own vegetables and fruits.

15

I’d do the same thing with theater programs for schools and for communities. Neither of my high schools had one, and even some public colleges are letting go of their theater departments.

16

You’re nicer than me. I was just going to give them a Coke.

17

I would fund a scholarship program to get incoming freshmen out of the abysmal public high schools in my county and into private school. Through much scrimping and sacrificing, we have graduated one child from private school and have another three years to go with Ivygirl. It’s been rough, but I truly believe it was the best thing we could have done for their education. I would want to make the opportunity to rescue other children available, starting out with one boy and one girl heading into each public high school in the county and maybe branching out to more kids.

18

I would create the most spectacular wasteful display of bright shiny stuff EVER.

I’d buy 2 747 cargo planes, fit them out for remote control, and pack them to the gills with explosives, fuels, and all kinds of stuff that burns real pretty. I would also pack in a bunch of remote cameras. Them I would smack them together at full speed about 30 thousand feet over a desert where the bits could fall to earth relatively harmlessly.

With the remaining money I would eliminate world hunger.

19

Pretty much every decent parent I know well in Montgomery (the “decent” and “I know” parts are very important) of any age/race/educational attainment/etc. for whom it is even possibly an option (and sometimes it unfortunately just isn’t) sends their kids to private school. These aren’t rich people: sometimes it means working second jobs, going without tons of things, borrowing money from grandparents, 10 year old-200,000 miles cars, etc., but the public schools here are that &@#$ing bad academically and so underfunded that at the beginning of each year kids are given lists asking any kid who is able to bring in copy paper, napkins (both lunchroom & sanitary variety, incidentally), toilet tissue, liquid soap for restrooms, etc.- something this state and this city should be totally ashamed of and all politicians mention fixing but it never gets done.

When I was in private school in Montgomery my family, even though we were not poor at the time- my parents were teachers so we were middle class- pretty much took the average income down for the entire class we were in. The school was fairly expensive but my mother got discounts for

1- being a teacher there (as many other Dopers probably know, it’s just w-o-n-d-e-r-f-u-l to be a student where your mom teaches [that’s sarcasm]

2- having 3 kids enrolled

3- my brother and sister’s straight A GPA (both graduated valedictorians; I’d have been valedictorian as well except I was failing)

The other kids though were children of very wealthy and or politically influential people as those were the only sorts who sent their kids to private schools (save for Cathoic school and the little Holyroller High Fundie schools) at the time. Today it’s a completely different story: the same private school class may have the children of millionaires but also has multiple kids from working-class homes whose parents are struggling to send them/keep them there. It’s really sad (and they should get much bigger tax breaks for the tuition but don’t). I majorly respect parents who do this and feel much sympathy for those who want to but just can’t.

The odd part is that for most of the people I know who do this each step of their kid’s education becomes cheaper. Daycare is more expensive than private school and private school is more expensive than (public) college.

*There have been several attempts to have an education lottery here but they’ve all flopped due largely to major opposition by the churches. I support the lottery but having lived in Georgia (the state it’s usually to be modelled on) I don’t see it as the panacea. In Georgia it’s created a whole other set of problems, mostly because most of the money goes into free college tuition for any kid with a halfway decent GPA (which would have left me out). Biggest problems include:

1- Even though these are not public monies and poor people buy more tickets than rich people, middle class and upper class folks benefit from the free college tuition much more than the poor folk do

2- The free college scholarships have resulted in upper-middle/middle class families spending a lot more than they’d otherwise pay for their kids college apartments which makes for gentrification of apartments near campus that drives kids from middle/lower class homes way the hell into the sticks away from campus and creates an even bigger have/have-not dichotomy and visibility than was there before.

3- The fact more kids are going to college than ever creates major grade inflation.

4- (The most irritating to anybody who’s ever been a faculty member in a public university in Georgia)- the HOPE scholarships create a sickening sense of entitlement and “But I’ll lose my HOPE if I don’t get a B in this class” [especially makes you want to slap the little doe-eyed stupid Debbie-debs or dumbass Beamer driving good ol’ boys in training) and make for major sadistic joy to professors who might otherwise be willing to raise that 78 to 82 otherwise.

So while I’m still in favor of a lottery in principal, I think it should be earmarked mostly to raise up poorer public schools and put them on par with private schools and any college tuition contingents should be NEED-BASED FIRST. (Again, this is not money from tax revenue- poorer people pay the most and need it most.)

Sorry for the hijack, but yeah: I think it would be great to use Oprah money to create scholarships to private schools for parents in need who care about education, AND to hire lobbyists and pay for physical improvements to put public schools back on par with private.

20

Well, I’m all for getting the government out of the education business altogether. Competition would drive the tuition down, and there could be scholarships and choice for the poorer children.

I agree about the HOPE scholarship…here in Florida, the lovely state legislature has taken the amount the lottery brings in and instead of adding it to the education budget, merely takes money out of the education budget and applies it somewhere else. In other words, if there’s a $50 million dollar budget for education and the lottery brings in another $25 million*, the schools don’t have $75 million to play with. Tallahassee says, “Ooh, shiny! We have $25 million to put over in the new stadium for the ice hockey team down in Miami!”

*I have no idea how much Florida’s education budget is. Numbers freely pulled out of my ass.