Jane is nuts and is going to ruin this situation. She’s not just rude, she is wrong.
This is a recipe for disaster and ongoing family drama. Decision making by committee just isn’t going to work. Your dad, assuming he is competent to do so, should give one, or at most two, of you a power of attorney. Whoever gets it calls the shots. Period. If he isn’t competent, you may want to consider a conservatorship.
I just noticed a typo in my OP; Dad’s in his late SEVENTIES, not eighties.
Well that changes everything!
If this drama was happening at work, I’d be calling a conference call pronto.
Come up with an agenda and distribute it to everyone by email. Do not end the call until every issue has been resolved. Call it a family business meeting and treat it as seriously as you would an actual “business” meeting. Have a neutral party be the parlimentarian, if need be.
Because if ya’ll let Jane continue with this madness, she’s gonna fuck up the good thing you’ve got going. It would be one thing if she were in the position to take over if need be, but she doesn’t sound like she can. So she needs to be checked ASAP.
Let her make her noise during the meeting, but let her know that whatever the consensus is, that’s what ya’ll are going with. Have the group take a vote on each issue (SurveyMonkey is a good resource if you want to do it anonymously), with everyone agreeing beforehand that there’s no more debating after the vote. This strategy works when I have workplace disagreements, at least.
Perhaps by making the decision in the most formal, “business-like” way as possible, the more respectful she will be of the outcome. It can’t hurt at any rate.
Good luck, Skald.
Locks need to be changed to those special ones where the keys can’t easily be copied. (What are they called again? Fisher? [del]F-ing Jane resistant? [/del] Fichet? )
Jane needs to be left off the copy of key list for as long as Kat is there. Maybe longer, but you know her better than I do.
Janes visits now need to be supervised so she doesn’t screw up the family arrangement. Kat has been cool so far, but if her Jane-toxic-badge reaches critical levels, she’ll leave on you.
Maybe Janes visits can be limited to birthdays, holidays, and Hell Freezing Over.
I’m not sure how you’d word it but, “Sorry Jane, but you’re so severely anal you must crap in angstroms. You know how we tell the kids to use their indoor voices? Well, you need to start using your grown up brain.
Until you do… well Dad likes postcards. Why don’t you head out someplace & mail a few? Here’s 5 bucks for gas.” Works better if use an Adam Sandler voice.
Ok, so maybe that isn’t an attainable goal. All I really know is that b-tch-proofing the house of someone you love from toxic family is a lot harder than it sounds. Best of Luck, Skald.
If anything, you’re allowing the fact that she’s your sister to color your perspective and cut the bitch way more slack than she deserves. Jane needs to step the fuck off before she a) upsets your dad by running his great niece out of the house, b) costs you guys a fuck-ton of money, and c) gets this kid in a bind re: job and housing.
Agreed!
Agreed!
Agreed!
Jane is really stupid.
It already takes 6 members of your family to raise enough money to get a family member to do home care practically for free.
Take a look at full-time nursing care or the cost of nursing homes.
Then tell Jane to get stuffed.*
*As this isn’t the Pit, I can’t say what i really think of Jane…
We had our fair share of family drama when my father was ill. Most of my siblings don’t care much for our mother, so she is solely my responsibility. But man, everyone had an opinion and wanted to be heard with my father’s care plan. They were very stressful times, and brought out ugly behaviors and long “buried” grudges and petty grievances in all of us.
To give Jane the benefit of the doubt, maybe this extremely controlling behavior is how she copes with your father’s illness and increased helplessness. Perhaps her heart is in the right place. If you assume the best, it will help to guide you in how your family communicates with Jane.
Also, Oakminster’s suggestion about POA is a good one. The day is coming for that anyway. Perhaps a sibling vote is in order, with the appointed one approaching dad with the topic. It would probably help remove Jane’s level of toxicity, if Kat understands that she is empowered to grin and nod and then carry on exactly as she has been doing when Jane visits.
I have no idea what room & board costs in your area, but that is a powerful savings to Kat. Many private HHA’s here in MN earn from $9 to $13 per hour. If it is within realm of family budget, and you feel compelled, perhaps you can investigate prevailing market wage in your area, subtract a dollar or so an hour if Kat is unlicensed, and add to her wages the remuneration value of her room and board.
Or, just do your best to keep Kat happy, at the compensation she agreed to. She sounds like a peach.
Note though, that it is the father who must contact the attorney and provide instructions for the POA. The person or persons receiving the POA should not be the ones to contact the attorney, and should expect that the attorney will insist on meeting with the father privately to discuss his wishes…regardless of who pays the attorney fee.
Call a family meeting, having everyone arrive thirty minutes before Jane. When Jane arrives, everyone jump her and beat the crap outa her. Problem solved!
So you have an idea of what a wonderful deal you are getting…
My parents use a home care aide for 90 minutes in the morning, to help get Dad up in the morning. These ladies don’t have medical training. They aren’t allowed to do anything medical, even to the point of not being able to help my Dad put on one of the boot-type casts, when he had a cracked bone in his ankle. 90 minutes a day costs my parents $65/day.
Assume your cousin works that rent on a room is worth $600/month (which sounds rather high), and that netting a couple hundred a week = $250/week. $250x4wks + $600/month means she’s being paid about $1600/month.
My parents are paying that for 90 minutes a day, 6 days a week. You have a dream caretaker at a bargain basement price. If your cousin ever decides to move north, I’d sure be interested in hiring.
For those who don’t want to read my entire post: bitchslap Jane and kick her to the curb before she fucks up a good deal for your dad and the rest of the family.
Bullshit. Does Jane’s employer get access to her home to perform spot inspections? No? Then Kat’s employer shouldn’t either. Kat’s room is Kat’s home, it’s not “free” it’s in compensation for real work, and as long as it’s clutter and not filth/health hazard it’s none of Jane’s business.
The family members using Kat’s groceries is depleting her finances. Frankly, I think the mini-fridge solution is an excellent approach to the situation of the live-in help purchasing her own food. As noted, a mini-fridge uses a very small amount of utility power, and unless the family is also forcing Kat to pay her own utilities Jane will just have to suck it up.
Excuse me? You said Sunday is Kat’s day off but it sounds like it’s still a work day for her. Kat needs an ENTIRE day off. If that means hiring and aid for that one day so be it. It’s not fair to Kat, and it’s not mentally healthy for the caregiver.
Also, Jane is not permitted to coerce anyone into going into church, and if said person is an employee it’s even more problematic. Just because Kat is a relative doesn’t mean she’s not an employee as well, and if this will become a long term arrangement, especially given Jane’s interference, it might be a good idea to draw up a legal agreement to make Kat’s duties and times of work clear to all and to protect her from asshole relatives like Jane at the same time you work up a power of attorney for dad - and really need to have one, as well as clearly delineated medical directives. Approaching the parents about this can be difficult, but it should be done. Taking an approach of “dad, we really need to know this because if someone happens to you we want to be able to do what YOU want, and in the confusion of an emergency I’m not sure we’d remember as clearly as we’d like. Can we get this written down for us as well as you?” As noted, POA is NOT a committee! In my family we had a clear “line of succession” where sibling A had the POA unless A was unavailable/incapacitated, then sibling B, then sibling C (and Jane shouldn’t even be on the list if you ask me).
Dad needs to continue to do for himself whatever he can safely do. It’s not up to Jane to decide this. This is something to discuss with dad’s doctors, with the sibling having POA, dad, and Kat because Kat is the one who observes his driving and she’s the one sitting in the passenger seat when he drives. In other words, treat Kat like she has a brain and is a responsible human being. It doesn’t sound like dad is sneaking out in the middle of the night to go joy-riding and, if he relinquishes the wheel voluntarily to Kat then dad is more likely than not to behave himself.
Bottom line, if dad is able to drive safely then he should be allowed to drive. That he is fine with a companion/back up driver is fantastic.
You’re allowing the fact Jane is your sister to get in the way of logic here - but bravo for seeking outside opinions.
Jane is not treating Kat as an equal adult or an employee, she is treating Kat as a servant (almost a slave, but that is a loaded word). Frankly, Kat probably deserves a raise. She deserves a full day off every week.
Question: have you considered what you would do if something happened to Kat? If she became ill or something? You need to have a back-up plan. On top of that, Kat needs a way to have personal days off - she needs to take care of herself, get check-ups, go to the dentist, and take care of personal business that can’t be attended to on half a Sunday. Get something in place now, so if a substitute doesn’t show or doesn’t work out it’s not a disaster since you dad doesn’t need constant supervision, do this now before it gets to where he needs more care/supervision and the transition will go much more smoothly.
^ This. And whoever is chosen make it Not Jane.
Whatever happens, you want to keep Kat happy. If this is working out for both her and dad your family is so very, very fortunate.
WE pay our HHA’s $18 an hour, and we’re the greedy bloodsucking home health care agency. I forget what we (theoretically*) charge the patient.
*In reality, we don’t charge anyone anything, as we only take Medicare patients, and don’t charge anyone any copays or out of pocket. Medicare gives us a bit more money for a patient whose Activities of Daily Living are impaired enough to qualify for an HHA. Not enough to pay her wages, I don’t think, but we eat the rest as a cost of doing business.
I did my own POA with my mom here in MN. Is there some reason you would advis that OP hire an attorney, if all family members and most importantly, dad is in agreement about who that should be? Fairly standard forms available for free online.
If there is any sign of a disruptive relative (and in my mind Jane would qualify) then a brief consultation with an attorney to make sure all the paperwork is in order and incontestable would be worth the money. Having lived through the final years/months/weeks/days of relatives and, in some cases, the resulting attempt at feeding frenzy by the greedy having these things arranged and buttoned up in advance is worth so much I just can’t emphasize it enough.
Did you have a crazy control freak sister who didn’t like you?
Rhetorical question. Normally, I’d agree with you, but this sounds like one of those extra special occasions where dotting each i and crossing each t is super important, and could shorten a lengthy lawsuit latter.
I agree with you there, and have advised Kat to be gone all day Saturday and Sunday. She ignored that advice because Dad isn’t just her client; he’s her beloved great uncle. I don’t think she’s capable of leaving the house without checking that’s he’s all right first. And the only work she does that day is fill a bowl with Cheerios and cover it with a paper towel.
I’m also happy to report that Kat has excellent emotional self-defense skills. Ask her an unduly intrusive question and she’ll simply say, “I’m not answering that, sorry.” Ask why she’s not answering, she’ll say “Cause I don’t wanna.” Ask again and she’ll simply leave.
Point taken. Assuming sister really is an unreasonable control freak who will go against wishes of siblings and her father.
It’s great Kat is so devoted, however, I speak as someone who has provided primary care for an elderly relative more than once, including being the live in caretaker for a couple months.
Kat needs the full day off. That doesn’t mean she’s banned from the house, it means she gets a 24 hour break from caregiving. If she wants to have Sunday breakfast with Great Uncle that’s fine but she needs to do it as his niece, not as his caregiver.
My suggestion (which you are free to ignore, of course 
) is to approach it as a backup option: “Kat, you’re doing a fantastic job here, but I’m concerned that we need a Plan B just in case. We’ll have a home health aid here on your days off to do the necessary chores. You’re free to be gone the whole time, or to visit with Great Uncle as you choose, but we feel it’s important you have a genuine day of rest. And, oh yes, if you are home part of that time by all means give us feedback on how the HHA is with dad. We don’t think this is necessary now, but it might be in the future and we don’t want to have to cobble something together as an emergency measure.”
Keep in mind, too, that paying for a relief for one day a week will give you a MUCH better idea of Kat’s real worth here, and you can rub Jane’s face in it while you say “Don’t fuck up this arrangement you petty minded little busy-body bitch!”
Keep in mind, too - and by all means tell this to Jane - that if Niece Kat doesn’t get decent compensation and treatment during all this she has an option to challenge the estate later for compensation. That’s another reason for making this a formal arrangement, it protects the estate. Now, if dad/Great Uncle decides to give Kat a cut out of the goodness of his heart that’s his business, and Kat doesn’t sound predatory, but mentioning the possibility might help keep Jane under control and off Kat’s back.
Oh - and change the locks and do NOT give Jane the key! The only people who should have keys are 1) Dad, 2) Kat, and 3) the POA sibling(s) who, as I have mentioned, should not include Jane.