Dig a hole in the garden and bury it.
What?
There are thieves around y’know
Off to IMHO.
I’d get cracking on the tasks in my new daily planner:
Thursday: Pay a British peer to step aside and give me his title.
Friday: Morning, steal a child. Afternoon, build an orphanage.
Saturday: Morning, rob a bank. Afternoon, endow a bishophric.
Sunday: Morning, carry off the town’s most eligible lady. Afternoon, fund a cathedral.
Monday: Morning, ruin my older brother’s wedding, by encouraging his best friend to betray him. Afternoon, conduct penny readings.
(Oh wait, wrong opera.)
1 Billion huh?
Buy 1 log house on 50 acres, set up 2 education plans for the kids and dump 150,000 on the united Way.
OK now what to do with 999 Million?
Well friends and family need say 5 million each…ok down to 949 Million> What can I say, I’m remarkably outgoing. 
49 Million set aside and my family lives off 5% (2.5 Million a year)
The rest 900 Million get setup as a trust for the Grey Science Foundation. I’ll provide funding for 9-10 scientific proposals for a period of 2 years, with the chance of only 1 renewal. That’s 9 million/year for each grant. The Grey Science Foundation’s aims would be similar to the Breakthrough Propulsion Physics department within NASA. Take unknown areas of physics, biology and chemistry and poke around for interesting stuff. 
Spend, Spend, Spend…
One can only dream…
Right now my biggest “want” is a house. I want a stucco house with a red roof. But not one of those HUGE ones. I want a small 2-3 bedroom one. There is no need for me to live in a mansion. However, I do want lots of land. My dream is to run a rescue shelter for kitties. Lots and lots of kitties. And maybe I can hire Vern from Trading Spaces to decorate my house.
My current kitties really need a new deluxe scratch post / perch. Maybe then they would stay off the ironing board.
New cars for everyone in the family. Houses if they want new ones.
And I could quit work while I get my masters degree. Then I can have my own library. Yay!
Man…it would take a long time to spend all that money.
Not enough to buy the Scifi channel and fire the programming staff.
Not enough to buy or build a new News media to tell the truth instead of the pablum and propoganda they spew these days.
Not enough to fund my own one way colony trip to Mars.
Not enough to buy a small island nation and become it’s King.
Not quite enough to become a SuperVillain. (inflation, ya know)
So…
I guess I’d just buy a few houses, cars and other toys.
Buy some of those “profitable, but not profitable enough” companies and factories that keep getting shut down to send the jobs to China and India, and keep them open.
I’d start and fund some really obtuse counter-organizations with misleading names.
Fund a huge anti-Pharmaceutical Industry ad campaign, asking why they can sell drugs at lower prices in other countries, but buy congressmen to keep their profits high here.
Fund a major Marijuana Legalization drive.
Totally ignore the media and refuse to be photographed or interviewed.
Oh, and I guess I could squeeze in a small flock of beautiful women (gold-diggers) to keep me occupied on a daily basis.
With a billion dollars, I figure I could get the finest damn counterfeiting operation in the world going. Then I could be a trillionaire!
After that, lots and lots of gumballs.
Tithe it, take care of my family, pay off all my debts, become a philanthropist and go to college for the rest of my life.
And I would still shop at Wal-Mart.
I’d Supersize those fries AND drink!
She told me she loved me like a brother. She was from Arkansas, hence the Joy!
$1,000,000,000/40,000(Dopers) = $25,000 per doper.
Much more if I stick to those who post regularly.
Then maybe you’ll post to my threads damnit!!
Pay off all of my debts.
Put money away for my childrens’ education.
Pay off the debts of my family members.
Put away money for my neices and nephews’ educations.
Make sure I had enough to live comfortably on for the rest of my life.
Give the rest to charity.
Well, of course I’d give millions to family and friends. The bulk, however, say 900 million, I’d just donate to various well selected charities, both those that exist to help the poor and and those that exist for cultural ends, such as museums. Speaking of which: I would try to develop a plan to bring the Gilbert collections of decorative arts back to L.A. on a yearly basis, part time, rotating with its their new home in London.
…and Mastema jumps out to an early lead in the Who’s Your Favorite Doper? thread…
First off i’d start bank accounts for all my family with college funds for me and my siblings. Buy a new vehicle for me, my brother, my 2 cousins and uncle and aunt. Donate some to charities, shop a little. I’d give some to my grandparents and then i’d give the rest to my parents.
Build a private, secluded, semi-underground mansion in the Colorado rockies. I’d call it the “Fox Den.”
Start financing films…I’d see if I could get Don Bluth and Tim Burton to work together.
I’d finally have the time to finish my book(s).
Buy a Tu-160 for my local neighborhood air museum.
Spend quite a few days just sitting on the beach, dozing.
Leave a few $10,000 dollar tips at restaraunts.
Three words: Private movie theater.
Buy a house in Marin county.
On second thought…that last one might be too pricey.
And finally, after letting my fortune build up for a few decades, I’d secretly arrange to buy Tibet from China. The public story would be that I “mediated a peace plan,” or something. Then I’d get a Nobel Peace Price.
Then, when I pass away, I’ll arrange to have my body buried…at the North Pole.
Of the Moon.
Rancloth sort of took my housing idea - I want something huge, with plenty of confusing and underground tunnels. Why? I’m eccentric. I don’t like windows. It’ll be surrounded by forest, but only fifteen minutes from a sizeable city. I’ll have a permanent staff to clean, upkeep, cook, and garden. I’ll invest a couple hundred million to pay for that kinda lifestyle indefinitely.
What else? I’ll drop out of college and hire private tutors - PhDs - to come and teach me everything I want to know. Economics, philosophy, mathematics, physics, biology, literature, history. Then I’ll buy a giant schnauzer, name him Gordon, and spend the rest of my life playing with him and reading.
Hookers and fire trucks, dude. Right through the center of town.
Hmm… so many things, so little time.
Invest enough so that I can live in quiet decadence off the interest for the rest of my life.
Buy the top floor of Roppongi Hills Tower. That’s my place now.
Books. Lots and lots of books.
Become a full-time student.
Hire demolition and waste disposal crew to deal with all the donation requests I’ll get.
Provide running water, electricity, schools and hospitals to the places that need them. Or at least make a small dent in that problem.
Make the banker who wouldn’t give me a housing loan because I’d had cancer be my dancing clown bitch.
Invest in the world’s best divorce attorney. Times two.
Find a fiscally conservative, low risk investment opportunity.
That or build a floating city and populate it with my favorite people.