What's all this "true love" crap? He's a sperm donor!

The BBQ Pit
1

They say a cynic is nothing but a romantic who’s been disappointed once too often – could be.

Just got back from the wedding of a former underling. A very big, very splashy, very expensive wedding. There was a room where we nibbled on all kinds of expensive appetizers (sushi and lamb and scallops and veal and I don’t know what all) while availing ourselves of the open bar – before the sitdown luncheon for all 150 of us happy revelers. (Well, 149 happy revelers and yours truly – I didn’t know a fucking soul there. Well, one woman I’d met a couple of years ago – I went up and introduced myself and explained where we’d met – she looked down her nose at me and said, “yeah, you look a little familiar” – her boyfriend then came up and looked down his nose at me and said “nope, no recollection of that at all.” Well fuck you two very much.)

Didn’t know a soul – the band (which wasn’t bad, as wedding bands go) was playing loudly enough you had to shout to talk to anyone further away than the person immediately next to you – I sat next to a guy who was seriously cruising for Ms. Right, so he kept popping up and disappearing to go hit on someone else – apparently traumatized that his old friend (the groom) had beaten him to the altar.

But it was important to the bride that I be there, and I was there.

Okay – here’s the thing. The bride is in her early 30s, and her biological clock ain’t just a-tickin’, it is tolling with deep, loud, resonant “bongs” that can be heard from three counties over. About two years ago, she set out to find a husband so she could proceed to start having kids. She did the online dating thing, and eventually found this guy, who, according to the best man’s toast, didn’t go on his first date till he was in his 30s. (He’s now, I don’t know, mid to late 30s.)

So we’re at this big fancy wedding, with ice sculptures and white-gloved servers who would come and refold your napkin if you left it at your plate for more than 30 seconds, the bride stuffed into her white gown and the groom and best man wearing fucking tail coats, and a serious shitload of money is being spent, and the rituals are being observed, and she’s being welcomed into his family, and he’s being welcomed into hers – and all I can think is, “What is this crap? He’s just the fucking sperm donor.”

BTW – I’m pretty damn sure I couldn’t have been the only Doper there. Geeks out the wazoo – some with more social skills than others. I spent about five minutes amusing myself with the fantasy of going to each of the three tables where the happy couples’ friends had been placed (and I’m as nerdy as the rest of them and belonged equally in this ghetto of geekdom) and saying, “Do the words ‘Hi Opal’ mean anything to anyone?” If you were there – I was wearing the blue flowered dress and the pink sweater.

Hope this is pitular enought – I don’t usually even read in the Pit, and this is my first thread here.

2

Now now, you’re neglecting the all-important “wallet” aspect…

3

Now THERE’S an icebreaker…I love it!

4

I hate to sound cynical, but I’ve always distrusted big splashy weddings where it’s apparent that the bride is looking to be a mommy. I’ve had a couple of friends who did just that. One married the first guy who asked her. When pressed, she admitted that she liked him very much, but didn’t love him. She just wanted a baby so she could stop working FT. Fast forward 15 years later. She has 4 kids, and is with her husband only because of the kids. Otherwise she would’ve left him ages ago.

My other friend divorced her husband after the baby was 2 or 3 years old. She got pregnant immediately after the wedding. No hard feelings on either side. Her reason? “It’s more socially acceptable to be married first then get pregnant than to just get pregnant.”

You know, I might’ve been able to hold my tongue and chalk it up to immaturity if they both had been in, say their early 20s. But no, they were both in their late 20s/early 30s! Making big bucks! Successful! OK, obviously that wasn’t their deepest heart’s desire. But to marry just to get pregnant and not work? And not even love the man? WTF?!?

I broke my friendship with both these women ages ago, not solely because of this marriage/pregnancy thing, but for other reasons. After all these years, it still boggles my mind. How the hell could they live with themselves, never mind with somebody else? Don’t they have any self-respect? And, more important, what about the kids? Can you imagine how they’ve been raised?

Just thinking about it makes me speechless :eek:

5

You just never know. This could be among the most successful marriages you’ll see. They may each be getting exactly what they want.

Certainly better than some of the train wrecks I’ve witnessed that started out lovey-dovey.
You just never know…

6

The only thing I have to add is : I wonder what his stud fee is?:smiley:

7

Doesn’t anyone marry for money anymore?

8

Are you proposing, lieu? Because I most happily accept.

9

Sorry, I’m confused here. Maybe you can clarify. I’m a little slow.

So a couple of lonely people get together, find something in each other than makes them happy on some level, even if it doesn’t meet your standard of an ideal relationship, so they get married, and invite you to the ceremony. And this damages you how exactly?

10

Good point, Smeghead. Obviously, it doesn’t really have anything to do with me, actually.

I think what I was so freaked out about was the conspicuousness of the consumption, which is something that bothers me in whatever form it takes. (My Quaker upbringing, perhaps?) I think I would have been equally appalled by a wedding that I’m guessing cost in the $20-$25K range, regardless of who the celebrants were. That point was definitely lost in the OP – as I said, I’m new at this whole Pit thing.

So any over-the-top wedding would have bothered me – the fact that it was about the bringing to heel of the sperm donor merely added insult to the injury (to my sensibilities).

11

twickster, I don’t know what the prices are like in Philly, but it is very easy to spend $20-25K on a wedding that is not at all fancy or lavish. Our wedding last month was hardly extravagant (fewer than 100 guests, morning ceremony with brunch/lunch reception), but cost around that much, possibly even a little more.

12

Oh god stop scaring me jeevmon! My honey and I are planning a wedding similar to yours, and we both make minimum wage and have curdled credit.
:frowning: sniff We’ll never be able to afford a wedding, will we. NEVER!

13

I’m not too keen on attending a wedding that appears to be an arranged convenience for whatever the reason but if it’s for love then heck, let them spend whatever they want. Weddings don’t have to be pricey to be lovely but IF they’ve got it and want to celebrate in that manner then heck yeah, I’ll be more than happy to try cavier for the first time.

I wonder if the general snobbery of the two you talked to and not knowing anyone else made the celebration less festive for you? They’re definately one event where the more people you know, the better of a time you’re probably going to have.

14

Their money. They get to spend it their way. Sorry, don’t see the problem with “conspicuous consumption,” Quaker upbringing notwithstanding.

As long as they didn’t ask you to write a check to cover their outlandish expenses, I fail to see how it’s your concern.

15

Yikes, jeevmon, you’re freaking me out even more. This was up in North Jersey (Bergen County – NYC ‘burbs), so it was probably even more that that. Name brands at the open bar, fuckin’ sushi chef… I was just guessing $150/head, but maybe it was more…

shudders

16

Oh, Lola, of course you can afford a wedding. It might not be that kind of wedding, but you will be able to afford a wedding. DrJ and I got married for less than $3000, and we had a kickass wedding with dinner at a really great French Quarter restaurant. It just requires some flexibility and creativity. If you want a breakdown or any advice or suggestions, feel free to email me.

17

It was probably more. But really - who gives a shit? You weren’t paying. This woman invited you to enjoy a day on her tab - why would you complain.

I dunno, it kinda sounds like a case of sour grapes to me. “Look how much they spent on their wedding - and they don’t even love each other nearly as much as me and my sweety do!!”

18

I’m sorry, I just don’t even get what you’re complaining about.

Your friend has found someone she feels strongly enough about to marry, wants to have a child w/ etc, they decided to through a huge party to celebrate it, invite you to it, and you’ve decided that all your friend cares about is the guy’s sperm??

did she tell you this? or are you assuming 'cause she’d said before she wants to have a kid, they met on line, he’s a ‘late bloomer’ etc etc?

19

[hijack]kung fu lola, there’s a book out there you should get called “Bridal Bargains” - can’t remember who wrote it, but if you’ll give me a chance to get home tonight, I’ll find out. It’s EXCELLENT - gives a great way to save money. And feel free to email me - I’m in full wedding-planning mode and it’s a fun discussion for me:).[/hijack]

And twickster, I’m getting married next year in September and we’ve calculated our wedding to come out at around $20K. This is with trying to cut costs as much as I can various places. I’m pretty proud of myself for keeping it that low for the number of people we’re planning to have (180) because I know friends who’ve spent upward of $30-40K in this area on their weddings recently - and mine will have just as many lovely touches that theirs had:).

As far as your OP goes, I see no indication that the bride is NOT in love with the groom. Has she told you that she’s only marrying to have children? Or are you just making an assumption based on what you’ve seen? Sometimes, there’s a lot more to these things than meets the eye.

Ava

20

This sort of thing used to bug me too. Not just with Weddings, but with any sort of snooty extravagent “do”.

Then my mom made a good point. She said something to the effect of:

Well yes, the people throwing these things are all spending money on intangible things (other than the photo album I guess), but the people who are working for them, such as the caterers, the musicians, the Tux Shop/Bridal Boutique, the florists, and so on…

Well those people are able to make a living because of extravagent folks like the ones throwing all the fancy “dos”.

That made it a little more palatable to me. I still wouldn’t do it myself, (I’d MUCH rather save that kind of money for a downpayment on a decent house, or anything that’s concrete and will go toward our lives together), but whenever I see something like that going on now I think "well, I bet those people were the answer to some struggling florist’s, caterer’s, musician’s (insert business of your choice here) prayers!