Appropos of absolutely nothing.
A tortoise. No contest.
I’d agree. From here, the speed of a giant tortoise is given as 0.17 miles per hour, and that of a garden snail as 0.03 mph.
Unless the snail is driving an “S” car go 
Have you ever actually seen a snail move? It’s like they stand still, relative to the earth, and wait for continental drift to kick in.
It’s at this point that I really wish I had a video to share of a couple of our male tortoise pets in Spain, solving their territorial disputes. Boy, do they RUN!
What if the snail was on the tortoise’s back… and they were both on a treadmill.
What if you drop them both in a vacuum?
“Wheeee!”
OK, so it’s the tortoise.
How about relative to their size? Snails may be slower, but they’re also much smaller.
I think it’d still be the tortoise by some margin. We get baby tortoises sometimes, they’re about snail-sized, and they march at a fair pace. Snails only ooze from A to B.
My wife has a theory that a small or baby version of a thing is cute, even if the regular sized version isn’t, except for inherently disgusting things like cockroaches. So does this hold true for baby tortoises?
Tortoises run?
Territorial disputes?
Surely you jest
I believe the 0.03 mph represents the maximum speed of a speckled garden snail, as opposed to a common or garden garden snail which moves along at a far more leisurely pace.
A couple of factors which may slow down the tortoise and speed up the snail are the weather and underfoot conditions. I would anticipate an improved performance from the snail if the prevailing weather was wet. Snails are soft ground specialists and are known to dislike firm going. In fact, if race day was hot and sunny I don’t think the snail would even turn up for the start.
You should see a Turtle hurtle.
I jest not, unfortunately my google-fu is weak right now. Besides, there’s no proof like a youtube video. I’m going to Spain in a couple of weeks, so I’ll see what I can do!
I don’t know if it’s technically ‘running’, I guess that implies a different gait from walking, and as far as I can tell, they only have the one manner of locomotion. They just walk very very fast. Which is even funnier I guess. 
Over long distances, it’s the snail, because the tortoise gets complacent and goes to sleep under a bush - allowing the slower but more patient snail to cross the finish line first.
Yes it does, in so far as baby tortoises are excruciatingly adorable. Whilst their adult counterparts are merely terrifyingly so.
This time I have photo evidence.
Top pic is a few babies. (oh alright, ‘hatchlings’)
Adult photo on wiki page. hee hee i said adult photo
ETA: Nice one Mangetout! Now all we need is “The Parable of the Snail and the Continental Landmass”.
Oddly enough, the snail would win that one. The tortoise wouldn’t even fit through the hose.
Assuming the snail isn’t trampled to death by a rampaging hare