I cant abide conflict.
I dont mean troll-flaming, or even a heated dispute… What I cant handle is outright hostility. When someones feelings get hurt, that kind of thing.
Ever since I can remember, I have avoided conflict and confrontation, to the point that it has interfered in the living of my life.
Since we got the news about mom, the good news, I have totally fallen apart. I mean train-wreck. Once the cancer was not FEAR#1, that all present, all consuming presence, I had nothing to hold me up.
My oldest son is very messed up, I mean future Daumer type messed up. Shitboy pops in to see them every couple of months, ignoring xmas and birthdays, never calling etc. Ted has alot of anger toward him, which he cannot express to someone he misses and loves, but only sees rarely, so I get the brunt of it…me and little frankie. 
I have constant headaches, I havnt been sleeping, and when I do, graphic sexual dreams of shitboy chase me until dawn, leaving me feeling dirty to an extreme.When I try to get up in the morning, I cant, I have been late for work for weeks (just by minutes). The dreams were triggered by a call from Shitboy demanding that I send my 9 &4 years old messed up little boys across the country for 2 weeks to stay with him and whoever he is seeing at the time. I said “no”, causing him to berate me furiously (conflict - see the problem here?).
This was about the time Ted got suspended (in-school, this time) and I had to go meet with all the important folks at his school. Dad came with me thank God, or I might not have been able to go through with it (more confrontation - see a pattern?)
In the months leading up to all this was Opals problem, so publicly played out in the pit. Hurtful things were said, not to or about me, but I felt them just the same (conflict again), then there was the horrible love triangle business that nobody speaks about which appears to have cost the board 3 posters, 2 of whom we saw daily, then the Melin thing…
I dont care who was right or who was wrong, thats not really what bothered me. It was the way everyone ripped into everyone else (again conflict).
I needed to distance myself as much as I could from all things upsetting, I had to start taking care of myself and my family, because I didnt have this : “well Mom’s dying, so nothing else matters” excuse anymore.
So I went to the doctor and I am back on anti-depressants after almost 3 years. I cant say I feel better, but I dont have the horrible death fantasies that I had before. Ted is going to go to a child shrink, and we are both going to get some counselling. There isnt anything I can do about the Shitboy stuff…sadly my hands are tied. I have no legal recourse at this time that wouldnt literally take years. So I have resolved to contain any discussion of the children to letters. That way, I dont get yelled at, and he has to have an address - (good for future legal stuff. So far, I still have no address for him.)
I was going to give up my internet connection all together, but Angie talked me into keeping it, “for chat” she insisted. I think she knew when I was a bit better I would come back. She knows me pretty well.
So I came back. I am still not myself, I dont know who I am, but it will get better. I cant say I wont split again if things get ugly again though, I get plenty of ugliness in ‘real life’. I prefer my recreation to be of the non-uglyness type.
I hope this makes sense.
I dont always make sense lately. Its the medication I think. Sometimes I forget my train of thought, and sometimes I react innapropriately to given situations.
Gotta tell ya, it fun to watch!
“cant find my glasses” - watch her cry.
“that kid is gonna tip his shopping cart over!” - watch her giggle.
I will be fine though, and I am very glad to be back. You have all been so gracious about it. I love you guys.
Tee Hee, Micheal Masterson is on Snopes now.
I laughed my fucking ass off! Is that an innappropriate reaction? It is funny right? I mean they were bothered by our mundane stuff, and now MM is there…
Someone tell me they think its funny…
I’m not crazy…the voices said it was funny!