Freshman year of college… Man that was a bad year. My high school sweetheart still playing with my emotions (not on purpose, but he was gay and didn’t have the heart to tell me and let me know he wanted to be “friends” only). My roommate was a b*tch and was always making me feel bad about myself. I was hours and hours from my family and no car to go visit when I wanted. One night it finally got too much to bear and I grabbed a bottle of pills and ran to the bathroom. After taking about 4 of them, I stopped and cried for a bit and realized that I was not being rational.
I’ve had thoughts of it since then, even sometimes lately. I’ve learned that when I get to that point, I have to look deep inside myself and figure out what is causing all the pain. If I can figure that out, I try to work on improving that area of my life so it will go away and I have live again.
Freshman year of college… Man that was a bad year. My high school sweetheart still playing with my emotions (not on purpose, but he was gay and didn’t have the heart to tell me and let me know he wanted to be “friends” only). My roommate was a b*tch and was always making me feel bad about myself. I was hours and hours from my family and no car to go visit when I wanted. One night it finally got too much to bear and I grabbed a bottle of pills and ran to the bathroom. After taking about 4 of them, I stopped and cried for a bit and realized that I was not being rational.
I’ve had thoughts of it since then, even sometimes lately. I’ve learned that when I get to that point, I have to look deep inside myself and figure out what is causing all the pain. If I can figure that out, I try to work on improving that area of my life so it will go away and I have my life back again.
It’s sad to read everyone’s stories, but it’s also comforting to know that others have been though rough times like these.
Hmmm…sorry about the double post guys. These computers at work at something else. I can’t ever tell if they go through or not. Sorry. (Just another thing to hate at work I guess). Or else I’m clueless and can’t operate the computer.
I have tried several times, but, in all honesty, I’d have to say that only one of the attempts was a “true” attempt, meaning that the others were suicidal gestures and I wanted to be saved. I was livid, though, when anyone suggested that to me at the time, as it seemed to me that what they were really saying is, “You’re just looking for attention.”
But you know what? If someone is looking for attention, it’s because they need attention. There is some problem that needs attending to.
All this was many years ago. Things are so different now, that I look back on those times and it even seems like they happened to a different person.
Every once in a while, though, I remember that cold, soulless feeling of being so desperately depressed and alone and just knowing that I needed to end it, and it chills me to my core.
No one needs to feel that way. No one deserves to be alone with those feelings. Get help ASAP if that’s what your life is like now.
I don’t know if this is really all that close, but I had a deep depression after I found out I was pregnant in 2001. After being married 10 years and not wanting kids, it was hard to deal with. After she was born, I was extremely messed up in the head. hated her, loved her, hated her, loved her, hated her, was horrified somebody would take her away, wished somebody would. This was all compounded by the surgeon who performed the C-section informing hospital staff to keep an eye on me so I wouldn’t hurt the baby. Never crossed my mind to do that! So, I was convinced if I told anyone about my feelings, even my dh, she would be taken away. Was trying to nurse her, but hated the feeling of having her latched on to me and having my body exposed even a little. Eight weeks later emergency surgery for a gangrenous (sp?) appendix and more narcotics for pain. One morning, after baby had a particularly bad night, I felt convinced I was a bad mom, that the doc was right and I would probably lose control and hurt her, and I ligned up my four different bottles of narcotics and considered it - she would be better off without me, dh would, nobody would care. Then I heard her and checked on her and she was so soft and sweet and cuddly. I flushed all the narcotics down the toilet.
Since that day I have gotten over feeling sorry for myself for the most part, gone on meds, became Mother of the Year, and loved my daughter to pieces.
hey Bip. I was a little sad to read your story, you sound like such a chirpy chappie.
*preparation ain’t going so great. I havent bought any of my equiptment as yet. My money that I had raised alone has gone into the group fund, which I’m soooooo not happy about. The only thing I’m really prepared with is my vacinations. So far I’ve had my men A&C, typhoid, hep A&B and Rabies. All I have to buy is the malaria tablets. So far it’s cost me £350 for those. I’m supposed to get a yellow fever shot but I’m allergic to it because its grown in egg cell, some pish like that anyhoo. Thanks for asking luv *
At a friend’s house for the weekend, I decided that a half a bottle of Jack Daniels and a whole bottle of his mom’s tranqs would be just the thing to end it all.
I woke up in the hospital, my friend having driven me there and saved my life, and spent the next few days there - it took me a while to convince them that this was just a “dumb kid” stunt and not a suicide attempt ('cause if I’d told the truth, I would have ended up in the rubber room ward for roughly two months…)
That’s the only time I’ve actually ever taken action on the impulse. I will confess to occasional dark thoughts while driving fast down the highway and seeing a big truck coming the other way - it woould only take a very, very slight move of the steering wheel or handlebars and SMACK!
But, life is good and I can wait until I’m very, very old to die, thanks.
I was suicidal a couple of years ago. I had made a torquinette out of a rope & screwdriver, tightened it and put the screwdriver handle under my chin to hold it and almost passed out, but loosened it before i passed out.
Nice to know i’m not the only one who has had enough bad life experiences to make an act like that seem like a good idea.
is it suicidial to intentionally put yourself in a life threatining somewhat unknown situation but with the full intention to overcome it?
If so I have done exactly that many times, a lot of times on skis but in other situations too. One time that comes to mind was a steep and icy accent on a narrow raviene about 500 vertical ft carrying skis and polls. The reveine was about 30 ft wide and not a straight shot down. the sides have melted away from the rock creating about a 30 - 50 ft deep 'gutter ’ (think bowling). Once started going down was more dangeruos then going up and you couldn’t mount skis unill you got to a flat section which was assumed to be the top. - Did I mention this was in ski boots and no crampons or ice ax.
About 1/2 way up the icy slope started to get really hard but there was a 3 ft fracture in it that created a small flat section which I easily could have skied down from, but I continued up knowing it would only get harder and steeper.
I briefly observed a water tower, late one night, after a bad break-up, and thought that I could climb and throw myself from it.
That was about all it took. In my misery, I realized it was a stupid idea and went home.
It seems stupid now, but when I was in college (freshman year), I had decided not to attend certain classes because it was much more amusing to dabble with marijuana and LSD all day. As a result of my absences from my classes, I was dropped from the rolls of three or four classes (can’t remember).
In order to stay in campus housing, I had to maintain a certain number–9, I think–of credit hours that I was enrolled in. I was scared to death to tell my dad that I was being kicked out of my dorm. He wasn’t abusive or anything…I was just afraid to disappoint him.
I sat in my dorm room alone listening to depressing music, wrote a “will” and proceeded to ingest 40 aspirin tablets. I then went to sleep hoping to die. When I woke up about 45 minutes later, my ears were ringing (as I am told aspirin will affect a person) and I was incredibly weak. I walked across the building to the other wing and found a friend who forced me to go to the hospital.
The hospital called my dad–I had expressly told them not to–who came to get me and take me home. He was angry at me for it. It was his anger I had been trying to avoid by killing myself, and I ended up enduring it anyway. We have never spoken of it since.
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