People say that marriage or commited relationships are “a lot of hard work”.
“Hard work” is an expression I use when I’ve been sweating, crunching numbers, endured something (extreme cold, heat, hunger etc).
If you were to say “a marriage is hard work”, what are you refering to exactly? Sacrifice? Making concious decisions against your better judgement or natural reactions?
For me it’s finding that middle ground on any given issue in which BOTH parties involved can be happy.
It’s a hit and miss process. Kind of like pinning the tail on the donkey.
I agree that marriage and committed relationships are hard work - it’s work you want to do, though, and work that benefits you both. The “hard work” of relationships for me is not being a bitch when I want to, because my partner doesn’t deserve that kind of treatment. It means talking about something when I don’t want to, because things don’t get resolved if we don’t. It means visiting his family when I don’t want to, because we haven’t seen them in three months and it’s time to go. It basically means forcing myself to be a better person than I would be if left to my own devices, and the benefit is that I have a happy, healthy relationship.
This kind of looks like being in a healthy relationship is all about forcing yourself to do stuff you don’t want to all the time; that’s partially correct, but it’s the kind of forcing you do to floss every night and get exercise every day - if you want something good, you have to work for it.
Being a committee rather than an individual can be very wearying. If I was married to a man who needed to talk about every little decision (as one of my friends is) I would have opened my wrists years ago. Having compatible decision-making processes may be more important than sex in the long run.
I would and do say this once in a while. I’d say “making conscious decisions against my natural reactions” is close, while “against my better judgment” is not. “Making decisions based on what, on reflection, seems best for both of us in the long run, rather than what seems easiest or most interesting to me right this minute” is closer still. Remembering to do that is the hardest part.
I think I consider marriage to be “hard work” in a good way – as opposed to it being like the romantic notion of “falling in love,” which is often perceived to be as easy as, well, falling. That is, effort and will are involved.