That’s because Zeno’s punches never touched him. You see, in order to connect, they first had to go half the distance . . . .
Not so much a drinking contest as an excess of decorum. He was (supposedly) at a banquet (in one version of the story, the King was present) and didn’t feel it proper to get up to relieve himself.
Descartes’ death was not so much funny as ironic.
Descartes: I think, therefore I am.
Barkeep: Would you like another drink?
Descartes: I think not.