We were in the “entertainment/tv” section of the Smithsonian. It was a slow day and my parents, my brother and me were the only people in this particular room. My dad, spying Bert and Ernie, yelled, “What are THOSE two guys doing in a museum.” Two guys had just walked into the room and they immediately ran out.
My wife and I reenact scenes from Everybody Loves Raymond several times a week unintentionally. Luckily she is gorgeous and a spectacular lay otherwise it could be an issue.
My freshman year in college I lived in a co-ed dorm. One morning I went to take a shower wearing nothing but a towel, and when I got back to my room I found that my roommate had locked the door. Of course, I didn’t bring my keys with me to the shower because my roommate never locked the door.
It seemed that just about everyone on my floor had left for the morning, except for the two really hot girls across the hall. So I knocked on their door (still dripping wet and wearing only a towel) to ask to use their phone to call campus security. They graciously allowed me to do so, and we got to chatting about how amusing this amusing situation was.
The campus cops came up to let me in my room, and the two girls and I continued chatting and making fun of myself in the hall outside my door. The security goon used his master key to open my door, and then, in full view of me, the rent-a-cops, and the two hot girls, was my roommate, sitting spread-eagle in his chair, furiously masturbating like a motherfuck to porn on his computer.
He moved to another dorm the next week.
I don’t think I have any. Everything in my life seems to be a joke so it all runs together.
I do remember when I was trying to get my son ready so I could go to class and he shit right through is diaper. So I had to dunk him in the tub - where he pooped again as I was about to pull him out. So I got him out and was going to get him dressed before I picked up that mess and he peed on the floor and on his clothes.
I was 40 minutes late to class. I think I said something like, “I’m sorry; Judah pooped, then peed, then he was…” and my professor cut me off with the palm of his hand and just handed me my midterm wordlessly.
But again, stuff like that seems to happen to me all the time. 
One night a coworker and I were working late. We were taking a break, and started talking about the boss and his brother, who also worked there. Before long we were doing impressions of them both, including hopping onto a table and doing chimp impressions (the boss’s brother acted like a chimp).
Then the coworker had to use the men’s room, and noticed that the boss had come in, silently, and was working on something right around the corner from where we were. He must have heard everything we said. To his credit, he never brought it up.
I stepped on a rake once…
She’s still my cleaning woman, still haven’t asked her out. (She’s been married twice, and divorced once, since I wrote this OP.)
Me, Bob and his girlfriend Sue were sitting around the table having a few beers. Sue wondered why Dave had moved out so suddenly.
Me: “I upset him. One night stand. Don’t want to talk about it.”
Sue: “Why would *you *sleep with Dave? Had to be a pity fuck.”
Me, nodding shamefully: “He said this thing, so sweet, I had to.”
Bob: “What thing? Was it {never making that line public, protecting the guilty}?”
Me: “How did you know?”
Bob, proudly: “I gave him that line!”
Me: “You bastard, why?”
Bob: “Poor bugger had been trying to get you into bed for six months and you hadn’t noticed. If I’d known that line would work on you, I’d have used it myself.”
Sue: “Hey!”
Me: “I’d have known it was just a line if *you’d *said it, you’ll fuck anything.”
Sue: “Hah! … Hey!”
Poor Dave, crap in bed and reduced to the buildup in a double-take punchline. The late 80’s weren’t kind years.
friedo, that was an episode of Happy Days, wasn’t it?
Same as what happened - not to me - to a cousin.
She had her then 5 year old in tow - they drove into Glasgow City Center to do some shopping - stood at the bus stop with the kid saying Mum… Mum… - she kep on telling him to be quiet as she was talking to someone else at the stop - he kept it up all the way home - Mum… MUM… she though he was in a strop because she was ignoring him to chat to the other woman on the bus.
They got home and her husband asked how she liked her new car - oops…
‘But Mum I tried to tell you we did not get the bus to town’ - not only that she forgot where she parked it and they drove around for hours looking for it.
and that was almost 30 years ago - her son brings it up if she has a go at him if he cant find keys or looses anything.
The only thing that happened to me was nothing I ever saw but could see in the future.
I was cleaning the windows to my flat (1 up in a tenement) I had done the inside and was standing on the outside ledge cleaning the top window – I was holding on to the bottom part of the frame with the bottom window half up down. To clean the top of the bottom window I nudged the bottom window down with my foot to allow me to get the gap.
The bottom window slipped down all the way locking me outside – with the tips of my fingers stuck between the frame of both windows – I noticed my upstairs neighbour and asked him if he come up and kick in my door – it was on a Yale lock - and open my window.
When he did he told me not to let go of the window frame when the bottom one slid up – he said he could see me shaking both my hands and blowing on my fingertips as I took a step back of the window ledge.
He used to call me fingers for the few years I stayed in the flat every time he saw me.
“…and an extra $20 if you can beat him to where’s he’s going by five minutes!”
On my 21st birthday, two girl-friends that I hung out with wanted to take me out to dinner, movie, whatever I wanted. I had to work until about 6:30, but was running late, so I didn’t want them to worry. I called one’s house, and her mom said she was at the other girl’s house. Calling there, her step-mom said she was out. Then she stopped and said, “Oh, here’s a note: ‘Going to surprise birthday party. Be home late.’”
So then when my dates arrived at my office, they asked where I wanted to go. I suggested that before a movie we stop by Bob’s house where we usually gathered for Monday Night Football. (I figured out that that was where the party was.) They tried to dissuade me, saying that they were on the outs with Bob.
It was fun listening to them trying to convince me to go elsewhere, when it was exactly where they wanted me to go.
One of my great aunts lived into her late 90s. When she died, my father and I went to the funeral to represent our branch of the family. We hadn’t seen anyone from that side of the family for a good 10 years or so. When we got to the crematorium there was a bunch of people hanging around in the lobby and even though we didn’t recognise any of them, we went over and started making funeral small talk. After 10 minutes or so the aunts son taps us on the shoulder and points to the other side of the lobby where the rest of the family are. Turns out that the crematorium was a multiplex with 3 chapels and we’d joined the wrong funeral party. Ouch!
A similar situation occurred in an episode of ‘Only fools and horses’ a few years later and I did not find it funny.
My best friend and I joined a karate class, when we were in our late 20s (and non-parents).
Other than a couple of parents who would show up every once in a while, we were the only adults alongside a bunch of kids who were about 3-13 years old.
Just like Kramer!
“But you were all on the same skill level!”
Here’s another one:
One day, when I was living with my ex in NYC, he came home, and realized that he had left his gloves somewhere, in a very public place. He was thinking about going back for them, but I convinced him that so many people go through that area, that surely someone would have taken them by now. But for the rest of that day, and night, he couldn’t stop thinking about his gloves. The following morning he was still thinking about his gloves, and still thinking of going back to see if they were still there. Just to shut him up, I agreed to accompany him on this obviously fruitless search.
So we got to the place where he had left his gloves, and lo and behold, they were exactly where he had left them, in spite of all the thousands of people who had passed them by. And not only did he prove me wrong, but on the way home he found a $20 bill.
My mum had a bad habit of forgetting to pick me up after work when I was a teenager. I’d be left hanging about back alleys after she night class and my late shift until she got home, was asked where I was and she’d sheepishly send my brother out to get me.
Fast forward to when I was a new mum myself and visiting home. Mum wanted to give me a nap break and take the baby shopping.
I reminded her of all the times I’d been left behind and warned her not to forget the baby.
An hour later she gets home, very proud of herself and presenting my child. “See, I didn’t forget her!”
“That’s great mum. Where’s the shopping?”
Only to another dorm? Something like that calls for at least moving to another state! :o
My Uncle was late to his own funeral … they sent the coffin to the wrong cemetery :smack: