I believe it was a pun… I suppose you could see it coming, with the dude’s name being Shield and all…
I seen it all the way. The inflection in his voice gave it away.
(did I miss something?)
Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who likes to water-ski?
A: Skip
Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs at your front door?
A: Matt
From my mother’s high school year book (1935, about):
Little Audrey’s father told her about the biggest bed he had ever seen, 10 feet long by 10 feet wide. Little Audrey just laughed and laughed, because she knew that was a lot of bunk!
Right. Old, but not funny.
Q: What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other?
A: Eileen
Silly Sally was walking in the woods and a squirrel ran up her skirt. Silly Sally just laughed and laughed, because she knew she didn’t have any nuts.
AHunter3,
Bwah ha ha! That’s rich.
Here’s a goodie, and even older:
“κἀγὼ δέ σοι λέγω ὅτι σὺ εἶ Πέτρος, καὶ ἐπὶ ταύτῃ τῇ πέτρᾳ οἰκοδομήσω μου τὴν ἐκκλησίαν, καὶ πύλαι ἅ|δου οὐ κατισχύσουσιν αὐτῆς.”
Matt. 16:18. Hey, Rocky!
A drunk calls for the bartender. “Do lemons have feathers?” he slurs.
The bartender shakes his head.
“Well, then, I think I just squeezed your canary into my drink.”
The Parson has come to call so Johnny’s parents chase him out to watch the barnyard animals.
He rushes in a few minutes later and shouts, " The black bull is screwing the red heifer!"
Mother grimaces and guides Johnny back outside.
A little while later he bursts in hollering, “The black bull is screwing the white heifer!”
Mother grabs him by the ear and leads him to the kitchen. “We don’t use the word ‘screw’ in polite conversation. Instead why don’t you say that the bull ‘surprised’ the heifer?”
Johnny goes outside, but before too long he’s back inside yelling, “The black bull surprised the white heifer!”
Indulging him, the Parson asks, “How did her surprise her, John?”
“He’s screwing the red heifer again!”
Adam to Eve after being kicked out of the Garden of Eden:
“What the fuck do we do now?”
Oh, the “shut up, kid” jokes ( as we knew 'em)
“But Mommy, I hate little brother!”
“Shut up kid, you’ll eat what I cook.”
“Mommy, mommy! Daddy’s on fire!”
“Quick! Get the marshmallows!”
Or, as I learned it:
“Mommy, mommy I can’t stand Grandma’s guts!”
“Leave them on the side of the plate, then.”
Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs lying in a ditch?
A: Phil
Once he lost his pants, Miss Janie was very impressed with Shorty’s ummmm… hidden attributes.
The oldest joke I know is one which was written in the margins of one of Leonardo Da Vinci’s notebooks:
Not exactly a knee-slapper today, but I’m sure they must have found it funny at the time.
Well, these are the oldest jokes I remember…
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on it. (pronounced as 'you (s)'neak up on it)
Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: Tame way, unique up on it.
Q: What is a wok?
A: It’s a fing you fwow at a wabbit.
A joke kids just love:
Q: What’s green and hangs from jungle trees?
A: Elephant snot.
And my favourite joke as a youngling:
Q: What sits in a tree and smokes?
A: A stove.
Q: A stove?
A: It’s my stove, and I’ll do what I like with it!
Plus, while we’re on the theme…
Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
A: Russell.
Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep?
A: Matt.
Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep, ringing your doorbell?
A: Dick.
What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs in a cash register?
Penny.
Did you hear about the guy who named his legless dog “Cigarette”?"
Every now and then, he’d take him for a drag.
Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: Doesn’t matter, he ain’t coming to you.
Where’s the best place to build a dress store?
On the outskirts of town.
I tell, ya I still keep 'em rolling in the aisles with that one.
The first joke I remember hearing is so old, I thought it was a bedtime story that my dad would tell me.
Foot, Foot-Foot, and Foot-Foot-Foot were walking through the cemetery one dark night. Foot fell into an open grave, and Foot-Foot and Foot-Foot-Foot didn’t know what happened to him.
Foot-Foot wants to run so that they can get out of the cemetery as quickly as possible. Foot-Foot-Foot tells him they’d better be careful. ‘We’ve got one Foot in the grave already!’