The police were called to the scene of a domestic dispute. The husband was lying on the floor unconcious, and they were questioning the wife.
Police: “Mam, can you tell us what happened here?”
Wife: “He called me a 2 bit whore, so I hit him.”
Police: “What did you hit him with?”
Wife: “A bag of quarters.”
A woman named Tootie Green, was at church. She stood up to take communion, and fell on her ass, which caused her dress to fly up.
The preacher said to one of the deacons, “Is that Tootie Green?”
Deacon: “No, It’s just the reflection from the stained glass window.”
:dubious:
In small town Illinois, kids had a sick sense of humor. A few I can remember from when I was about 8 years old:
“Can Johnny come out to play?”
“You know Johnny doesn’t have any arms or legs.”
“I know. We want to use him for third base.”
“Mommy, why I am walking in circles.”
“Shut up or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor.”
(I can’t believe I still remember these little morbid jokes, but they were big hits with my neighborhood buddies back then. I remember a few more, but they are probably too gross to be repeated here, lest you all think I grew up in Jeffrey Dahlmer’s neighborhood.)
My grammy would tell this joke. I didn’t get it until high school.
Shorty and Dapper Dan were arguing over who would get to court Miss Janie. Now Shorty was a dirt farmer, with old torn clothes, just a little runt of a guy and quite ugly but Miss Janie didn’t want to hurt his feelings by choosing the much taller, and better dressed, Dapper Dan. So Miss Janie says that she’ll choose whichever man wins a footrace Sunday after service. (She was thinking that Dapper Dan would win 'cause he had much longer legs than Shorty.)
So, come Sunday, the men (in front of the whole congregation) decided to race around the church yard three times, whoever crossed the finish line first would win Miss Janie. So off they run. When Dapper Dan starts to take the lead, Miss Janie gets excited and starts yelling and jumping up and down, cheering him on. Well Shorty pushes for all he’s worth and is absolutely running out of his old torn clothes. About halfway through the last lap, Shorty’s pants just fall away and he’s running butt naked around the church yard. Seeing this, the congregation gets deathly quiet. And you hear Miss Janie start shouting, “Cut across, Shorty! Cut Across!”
Boardinghouse, circa 1890s. Landlady is bringing a chicken to the table. Landlady: What piece do you want? All Four Boarders:A leg!!! Landlady: Gentlemen, a chicken is not a quadruped.
This one is really ancient and I’m paraphrasing big time because my memory’s so dim:
A single gent with a wooden eye attends the town dance wih some trepidation. His worst fears were being realized when no woman would dance with him. Finally, he realizes that the only other person not dancing is a woman with a rather unattractive hare-lip.
Resigning himself to his fate and getting up his nerve, he asks the woman if she’d like to dance.
