What's the oldest joke you know?

Here’s a couple from my family.

The police were called to the scene of a domestic dispute. The husband was lying on the floor unconcious, and they were questioning the wife.

Police: “Mam, can you tell us what happened here?”

Wife: “He called me a 2 bit whore, so I hit him.”

Police: “What did you hit him with?”

Wife: “A bag of quarters.”
A woman named Tootie Green, was at church. She stood up to take communion, and fell on her ass, which caused her dress to fly up.

The preacher said to one of the deacons, “Is that Tootie Green?”

Deacon: “No, It’s just the reflection from the stained glass window.”

My dad used to tell this one all the time when I was really little. About five years ago, something reminded me of it, and I finally got it.

What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair.

Caveman #1: Knock knock.

Caveman #2: Heh heh heh.

In small town Illinois, kids had a sick sense of humor. A few I can remember from when I was about 8 years old:

“Can Johnny come out to play?”
“You know Johnny doesn’t have any arms or legs.”
“I know. We want to use him for third base.”

“Mommy, why I am walking in circles.”
“Shut up or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor.”
(I can’t believe I still remember these little morbid jokes, but they were big hits with my neighborhood buddies back then. I remember a few more, but they are probably too gross to be repeated here, lest you all think I grew up in Jeffrey Dahlmer’s neighborhood.)

This is the only joke I can ever remember (I know, sad, isn’t it?):

What do you call an adolescent rabbit?

a pubic hair

Dmark you must remember this one, too:

“Mommy, Mommy, what’s a Vampire?”

“Shut up and eat your soup before it clots.”

“Mommy Mommy, hurry up and give me a spoon.
Daddy threw up and Junior’s getting all the big chuncks.”

Q: How do you get down from an elephant?

A: You don’t. You get down from a duck.

The first joke I ever learned, and fuond hilarious (age 4 or 5, I think):

Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Mickey Mouse’s underwear?

HA HA HA HA! Oh, the comedy! That joke has it all.

My grammy would tell this joke. I didn’t get it until high school.

Shorty and Dapper Dan were arguing over who would get to court Miss Janie. Now Shorty was a dirt farmer, with old torn clothes, just a little runt of a guy and quite ugly but Miss Janie didn’t want to hurt his feelings by choosing the much taller, and better dressed, Dapper Dan. So Miss Janie says that she’ll choose whichever man wins a footrace Sunday after service. (She was thinking that Dapper Dan would win 'cause he had much longer legs than Shorty.)

So, come Sunday, the men (in front of the whole congregation) decided to race around the church yard three times, whoever crossed the finish line first would win Miss Janie. So off they run. When Dapper Dan starts to take the lead, Miss Janie gets excited and starts yelling and jumping up and down, cheering him on. Well Shorty pushes for all he’s worth and is absolutely running out of his old torn clothes. About halfway through the last lap, Shorty’s pants just fall away and he’s running butt naked around the church yard. Seeing this, the congregation gets deathly quiet. And you hear Miss Janie start shouting, “Cut across, Shorty! Cut Across!”

Boardinghouse, circa 1890s. Landlady is bringing a chicken to the table.
Landlady: What piece do you want?
All Four Boarders: A leg!!!
Landlady: Gentlemen, a chicken is not a quadruped.

:rolleyes: :o

My grandpa always used to tell me this “joke:”

Why does a fireman wear red suspenders?
To get to the other side!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To keep his pants up!

Umm, sure, Grandpa.

And since DMark brought it up, What’s Dahmer’s favorite soda?

1st joke I learned.
Why does the Statue of Liberty stand in New York Harbor?

Because she can’t sit down.

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Old lady

Old lady who?

I didn’t know you could yodel!

Well, I’m well out of higfh school and I still don’t get it. :confused:

We used to tell this one when I was a kid, only we said little old lady.

And DeVena, I could just hear my aunt telling that joke way back when. Too cute!

Shorty wasn’t.

This one is really ancient and I’m paraphrasing big time because my memory’s so dim:

A single gent with a wooden eye attends the town dance wih some trepidation. His worst fears were being realized when no woman would dance with him. Finally, he realizes that the only other person not dancing is a woman with a rather unattractive hare-lip.

Resigning himself to his fate and getting up his nerve, he asks the woman if she’d like to dance.

She excitedly replied, “Would I ! Would I !”

Him: “Hare Lip! Hare lip!”

The joke didn’t have to be GOOD, just OLD…

Q. What animal has big ears, a tail, and a trunk?

A. A mouse on vacation.

Late 1970’s:

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs?
A: Chester

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who’s nailed to a wall?
A: Art

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who’s in a swimming pool?
A: Bob

My Scottish Born grandma would say:
“There’s woolsey under there!”
You were then supposed to say:
“Woolsey? Under where?”

Bout choked when a similar lyric showed up in a Barenaked Ladies song.

Q:What’s brown and sticky?

A:A stick!